✦𝗦𝗲𝗿𝗶𝗮𝗹 𝗥𝗼mantic

☾ 𝑇𝑎𝑘𝑒 𝑎 𝑏𝑟𝑒𝑎𝑘 𝑓𝑟𝑜𝑚 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝑏𝑢𝑠𝑦 𝑤𝑜𝑟𝑑 𝑎𝑛𝑑 𝑡𝑎𝑘𝑒 𝑟𝑒𝑓𝑢𝑔𝑒 𝑖𝑛 𝑤𝑜𝑟𝑑𝑠, 𝑠𝑜𝑛𝑔, 𝑎𝑛𝑑 𝑖𝑚𝑎𝑔𝑒𝑟𝑦.

≻──── ⋆✩⋆ ───≺𝖯𝖺𝗀𝖾 1≻─── ⋆✩⋆ ────≺

October 9

I hate that my life is being put on hold. It shouldnt be, it should be starting now. I should be living!

I feel like everything I want is far away from me. All I get to do is watch everyone else get what they wished for and I’m stuck as a supporter character. It kills me inside, thinking about what couldve been…

… for me.

Do you know what it’s like to be only half of yourself?

May, 22, 2025

I’m at the restaurant, and the man sitting across from me was going to be my sister’s husband. A very tall man with a lazed smile and a demeanor my parents said was ‘super cool.’ She had told me before in confidence, that she considers dying too when he passes away in the far future. I thought, how special it is to have someone that makes you feel like that.

I also wondered when she thought it, and when it became true. I admit those questions are a bit arbitrary but I wonder if there would ever be an answer fitting for these types of questions.

Back to the point, I was a bit cautious this time around, I wanted to make an effort to approach it in my personal way. He came from a background, that was very foreign compared to my own. White, heavily religious, deeply American, lived in the states all his life. Much older than my sister. I wondered if he was also a person like I am. I had my reservations, he was pretty much some older white guy. But I liked to think, person first, stereotypes later.

I held back my judgments and got the stones churning. “What did you do in the military?”

“I was an armed guard for the chaplains…” and then something about using artillery, big guns and such. I’m not much of a military and war intellectual. Don’t have much conceptual knowledge in that area, maybe that’s why I fear it a bit.

We talked about the military for a bit, and he mentioned that he doesn’t think much about those days now. He said he did it out of tradition. Maybe everyone in the family told you to pursue this and you did, and even though, in the corner of your mind you knew you wanted something different, a kid is no fighter against a lineage. He previously mentioned that his father was a hunter, hunted deer a lot. He said he couldn’t do it, it wasn’t for him.

A piece of my heart sighed in relief, that my sister was marrying a gentle person. The last thing I wanted for her was to marry someone who thought violence was normal, or necessary. With everything that I thought I knew about him, he could’ve easily been a man just like that, a passed down tradition.

But somehow he made it out. This 6 feet tall, white ass dude, respected his own litte dog better than my dad knows how to.

Still, I sometimes thinks he carries that little white duster of a dog, like a rifle.

I’ve been feeling like a lover,

Lover of life and lover of people,

You can’t kill the lover in me,

Because I’ll forever tend flames,

If I’m loving the other, my lover is still alive.

So love when and love not, does not matter.

Just let me love, god please hear

And I’ll forever be alive