Violent Knight

- Being Mortal, Atul Gawande

today was absolutely fucking rough. on my way home, i wanted to fall asleep and crash. I wanted to turn into the wall so my car would blow up, but i couldn’t bear the thought of hurting someone else. recently in our neighborhood a girl was kidnapped from her driveway, i sat in my driveway hoping someone would be outside looking to murder someone. honestly i just wanted to die tonight, but instead i am writing about it. wanting to die is such a horrible and miserable feeling. i want nothing more than to just vanish. i can’t bear the person that i am today. a simple solution to being intolerable to my character would be changing it...work towards what i want to be instead of just giving up. i am so sad. a part of me wishes my career was stripped away from me and i end up as a secretary for some . i used to feel as if i was meant for greatness, today i feel as if i am not only worth nothing, but i am a burden on society. i have no patience, i have no drive, i am burnt out i am exhausted and i don’t know how i will be able to get up in the morning and do this all over again. this part of life is really hard...when you stoop this low and you’re completely alone. This is the part where I ask for help, and i’m ready.

...So when i crash landed....why do i feel feel like I’m burned

I think this was by far one of the hardest nights I’ve ever experienced in my entire career. I’ve never witnessed anything so ugly and horrible in my entire life. It is sickening what people do to carry out their own agenda. I am absolutely sickened and, to share this moment with such a stranger and then debrief about it on the phone with another complete stranger is just so absolutely foreign to me. It was such an emotionally charged night going in so many directions feeling scared enchanted nervous threatened loved hopeless and...even hopeful...today made me really think about what i really want for my future and where my family fits in. When you see what people think love is, and see it play out in the most disgusting way, it’s makes you reflect on the upbringing you had and...i fear for this patient’s life, i really do. Someone in this family has an alterior motive and this treatment wasn’t in their game plan. Get out, don’t make us watch you torture her. This is a sick fucking game that’s being played rn. I’m just sick, I’m absolutely fucking sick

I am so deeply in love with myself right now. And this love grows when i have these incredibly long and hard conversations. Every last nerve is pulled and every button is pushed to the point of exhaustion where you don’t want to even fight anymore. But i have nothing to lose, i love myself so much i have nothing to lose. Does any of this even make sense ? I feel like i have never been so honest and so real in my life, speaking for what i believe in and speaking honest fucking truths to those who I’ve never opened the door for. That’s self love to me because i am unapologetic for who i am and ffor what i feel is right.i am fucking exhausted but in the best possible way because i spent the day yelling and screaming for what i believe in and i learned so much and grew so much from it. Gratitude.

I love you

It started off okay, i thought a little exposure and a little desensitization would help but this ending just stripped me raw. Just when I thought I was riding along just fine something takes its arm and reaches inside of my pulling my insides from within like the foundation beneath me. I am raw, and vulnerable and exposed. There is so much pain weighing me down and as I pick away at it the pain is only becoming stronger. I will never become invincible I will never be fully strong. I will always have struggle just as everyone does. What I’ve been through doesn’t just go away, it doesn’t disappear. It is in me forever and it is up to me to choose how i respond to it when it resurfaces in my life. Life doesn’t end up ok. End of story. Life is life. It is going to be a constant struggle and the pain and the hurt will continue to re appear. I am broken, and I will never be repaired but I will lie the path out in front of me that can best accommodate my pieces. This is scary, but I know it’s scary because it’s so real because I have been down this path before and I am scared. The easiest option that I opt into is isolation. This time it’s going to be different. I’m not hiding from this anymore but I’m not denying the pain either. I’m confronting the pain given to me and I’m saying it’s not mine, that I no longer have pain to fear. I can face my hurt because it doesn’t get to affect my well being, it doesn’t get to hold me back anymore. I fear my pain is hiding in the silence so I feel the quiet with talk radio, politics, and story telling. The quiet cannot hurt me, an idea cannot hurt me, and when I let the quiet take hold of me I let myself go to the darkest place and see what’s really down there. And it’s nothing, the most fear I have is the moment up until and then once I actually face what I fear it’s nothing like the anticipation. I have been growing so much these past couple of weeks and I have also been avoiding a lot. I am going to face the pain now. I am not running away anymore. I am not allowing myself to be the prey of my own consciousness. I have reasons to live and I have reasons to love, but right now I have no reason to fear because I am safe and Life is worth it. Thank you

Because i have a couple friends who i fucking love