#loadchaud

                        as lan ran off, he realized how stupid he was being. he invited enzan over, then just left him in the other room as he retreated into his own. he paced around the room, trying to calm down but to no avail. why was he so focused on all of this? why couldn’t he stop thinking about enzan’s blushing face and how his lips were right there and if he had just leaned in again--why was he thinking that? what was wrong with him? did he actually want to kiss enzan? the more he thought about it, the more he realized that was exactly it. and then everything hit him at once.

                           he liked enzan. he had for...who knows how long. but now he realized his feelings and he felt like his face was on fire. he liked enzan. he liked enzan. he liked enzan. what was he supposed to do about this? he felt like he was going to explode. 

                            he laid on his bed, burying his head in his pillow for a moment. this was too much. but he couldn’t just stay in here. he didn’t want enzan to leave. he had to go back out there... but first he had to make sure everything was okay. after all, he did kiss enzan (just a cheek kiss but still!). he pulled out his pet to compose a message to enzan.

TO: ENZAN                 SUBJECT: SORRY!!!!!

sorry for kissing you!!! and running off like that!!!!!! we can just forget that if you want! i know it was probably weird and stupid to you for me to kiss you like that so we can put that behind us! just don’t leave. i don’t want you to leave. i’m in my room i just. need a minute. please don’t go

                          did he sound weird? did he sound awkward or desperate? he was fretting over the details, but still sent megaman to deliver the email. he just hoped enzan would listen to him. until he got a response, he would have to sit with his thoughts again.

              he hated that he brought this up. he let words of doubt spill from his lips and he wanted to take them back. he wanted to change the subject before enzan replied. it wasn’t the first time he had been vulnerable in front of enzan, but apart of him still hated that he was like this. he didn’t want to show weakness. he wished he could hide it better. he could bury it for some time, but it all came to the surface eventually. 

                when enzan was responding, lan just nodded. he expected him to say that. it was just like him. he had lent him protoman... still, he doubted himself. protoman was strong on his own after all. even if lan had been operating him for a time, it didn’t change protoman’s strength. hub, too, was strong. but he didn’t consider himself very strong at all. he wasn’t strong enough. he wasn’t enough. he wasn’t enough to ever get his father’s attention, his praise, he barely got any recognition at all. he kept trying and trying, desperately hoping he would get something. for years he had been doing this, and he still hadn’t let up.

                as enzan continued to speak, he could feel himself choking up. he hadn’t expected such a sincere reply. he hadn’t thought enzan would say these things. “i-i...” he could feel tears close to falling, pricking at the corners of his eyes. “thank you...” he wiped his eyes, trying to stop any tears before they dared to fall. "j-just forget about what i said. it’s stupid. it’s nothing.”

you assault me every time you see me but go off

confess your sins

what

              “ENZAN!!!” lan couldn’t help but shout when he saw the familiar face in the distance, already running toward him. enzan periodically visited, but it had been quite some time since he had been here. he was so happy to see him again. he nearly tackle hugged him when he finally reached enzan’s side. “you’re back! and this time you’re not dressed as a drug dealer!” in retrospect, it was hard to believe he didn’t realize that was enzan. lan should have at least recognized his voice. oh well. 

                 “have you graduated yet?” lan still found asking such things strange. he had only just started high school, but enzan had been in college for the past 4 years. he still didn’t know how enzan managed to get into college at such a young age. “or did you and protoman miss me and hub that much?”