oon tähtipoika

this all really sucks and I hate it. I’ve had to lower my standards so much that nowadays basic daily tasks like brushing my teeth or combing my hair are achievements that I’m proud of because, here it comes, the big one, the thing I’ve said about myself for years but that was just for attention and this time it’s real and diagnosed, I’m depressed.

I cried reading posts about Mikey and all the other friends I made on here. I miss them. I miss the community that we had here and all the joy it brought me. all good things come to an end, of course, but fuck man. Tumblr really changed my life and I’m not really ready to let go, which is why I haven’t deleted this blog yet.

I hope all of you guys are well and I really wish you the best. I’m actually happy when I come back on here, even if it’s just for a few moments, because I remember all the good things and people that came out of this place. Tumblr reminds me of the times when I was the happiest I have ever been and I just wish I could feel like that again.

I’m getting help. therapy is starting in the beginning of 2018 and I feel like I’m ready for it in every aspect. I’m also scared but that’s okay.

I’m sick. mentally and physically. most of it is due to stress, severe stress, and I’m not coping with it. I’m killing myself slowly by eating too much, sleeping too little and keeping myself completely and utterly inactive in all aspects of life. that’s my fault, for not getting my ass up and doing something, I did this to myself. I’m 40kg overweight because I have no self-control.

okay, feeling better already. doing good. I’m really fucking sad all the time. I hate myself. when I look in the mirror, I see a failure, someone disgusting and unworthy of life. why anyone bothers to keep in touch with me is a mystery, I see nothing there. I’m an empty shell, quietly destroying myself. and I like it. I like being mean to people I love, it makes me feel more powerful and strong. then half an hour later the guilt hits me and I hate myself all over again, for a reason too. I’m a bully. I went from being severely bullied to being a bully. and that’s on me too, because I can’t hold my tongue or think about what I’m gonna say next at all, because I don’t fucking care. I just don’t.

I stopped playing piano and singing about a month ago when school ended and, to my surprise, I want to go back to doing it. music. I listened to Coldplay’s new song for 2 hours on repeat today and realized how much it means to me, I can’t stop. I need more. but I’m lazy and don’t believe in myself. I can’t even do the things I love most because I’m so deep in the pit of self-pity that I think everything’s just impossible. I say no and I believe it.

my relationship with my sister is shit and I want to blame it all on her. she never has her shit together, doesn’t contact me or our parents, only calls when she needs money, is still hanging on to not one but two dead girlfriends, one of which was a psychopath, and she should let go. she should be normal, level-headed, healthy. I deserve a healthy sister. that’s my issue. but then I remember, I’m not healthy either because I think all these things and feel guilty and sorry for myself. I hate my sister because I think my steady life situation makes me a better person than her. I haven’t accepted anything.

I haven’t accepted anything. not my best friend leaving, not my other best friend leaving or any responsibilities that I might have or have had. everyone should just do everything for me. someone should lose all this weight for me and do all my schoolwork because I deserve it.

what? this is my narcissistic, sick side talking. hey. I feel completely different now than when I began writing this post. dude, I’m the best, but I’m also completely shit at everything and deserve to die. how’s that for a drag-me-down? love it. 

just dissociated there for a bit, thought I was being someone else. seriously felt like I was leaving my body and someone else was taking over. but hey, that’s normal right? I deserve a normal life. a normal mind. a normal family. so why do I have none of that? why do I have to keep comparing myself to everyone else and being so unhappy? why did all of this shit happen to me, to us? I deserve better. I deserve better. I deserve better. I deserve better.

that’s why I’m starting therapy in a few months. because I think all this shit and I’m only 16 and really, really shouldn’t. yes, diagnose me as an asshole all you want, I’ve done that more times than I can count, but this is beyond diagnoses. I don’t need pills or shock therapy. I need someone to talk to and vent all this shit out. it’s not healthy. it’s not fair to the people I love, to be this shitty. if not for me, I’m doing this for them.

I’m all over the place because I neglected my health for too long. it’s all on me. and I’m trying to fix it with the help of a trained professional, hopefully soon.