a la mierda

Written by Dionne Mahaffey

If airlines were boyfriends….

DELTA: Is the put together boyfriend. He went to Morehouse College and is a Harvard MBA. Has a good job. Good credit. Dresses nice. Owns his own home. All of his friends are equally put together. You can take him home to Mama and not be embarrassed. You like him because he’s the boyfriend you know you deserve. The only problem is sometimes you want him to chill and he doesn’t know how…..He hates that you like to wear yoga pants in public…. And you wish that he wouldn’t wear a blazer with his jeans on Saturdays at the mall. You want to build a future with him… you’re waiting on him to propose so you can give him 2 to 3 kids…..

AMERICAN: He’s the boyfriend you forgot you dated. He’s a nice guy though. Sometimes you call him to see how he’s doing but you never think to be committed to him. He’s reliable and there when you need him …for the most part. The truth of why you REALLY don’t want him is because his man-man is the size of a baby’s outie belly button.

SPIRIT: He’s 45 and still selling mixtapes. He wears a bluetooth around his neck at all times. He knows that the only reason you’re with him right now is because you’re not in a good place at the moment….and Delta isn’t returning your calls. His stuff is always broke down and he makes you pay for everything. You want to leave him but he is kinda smart, although things just never work out for him, career wise. He makes you laugh.

FRONTIER: A do-right man. He’s not the best, but he tries. He’s slightly different than Spirit but not by much. He carries himself a little better, and that makes all the difference. He’s still broke but he doesn’t make you feel THAT cheap. Even though he doesn’t require much he does realize he’s not Spirit and he doesn’t let you forget it.

SOUTHWEST: You got with him when folks loved to dismiss him. You saw his potential. But now, he’s come into his own and makes you pay for it. It’s like he forgot all the early times when neither of you had much but you were there for each other. Sure, he’s not bad now, but you wish it was the way it was before. He’s starting to act like a little bit like Delta, but with a better personality. Even though things have changed he still deals with your baggage when no one else will.

VIRGIN: He’s the boyfriend you talk about all of the time… but none of your friends (or very few) have ever been around him. But, the friends/family who have been around him like him for the most part although he can be a bit extra sometimes…

UNITED: He only treated you right that one time and never really again. He steals your stuff and tells you YOU lost it. He’s always late or never shows up at all. He roughs you up a bit..but then tells people you’re the crazy one for wanting better. You know you should leave but you’ve been with him so long– you don’t want to forfeit all of that hard work…

EMIRATES: Emirates wouldn’t even be your boyfriend for real. He only fools with you when he has time, which always seems to be like twice a year. And sometimes he’d make you bring a friend.

ETIHAD: …is Emirates’ best friend. Sometimes you guys mess around when Emirates is acting too good for you. You like him because he makes you feel like Emirates does but it’s not quite the same. He knows this, but doesn’t care at the moment. He wants you because Emirates wants you…sometimes…occasionally… almost never… You both realize that its only a matter of time before he starts acting completely brand new…