My Scattered Mind Placed Conveniently Online

PSA I’m moving all of my recent posts from this blog to a newer version @whatthefuckmichaela so that I can keep my newer thoughts separate. I’ll be posting on there from now on. That is all.

The guys that are always calling me a slut are the same guys that have sexually assaulted me and my friends. I. Am. Confused.

I haven’t slept well at all this past week because I can’t stop having stress dreams about Matt’s ex. She’s really sad right now, and I don’t think she’s getting the support that she needs from her friends, and I really want to help her and be there for her and tell her that everything is going to be okay and that it gets better, but I know that she wants nothing to do with me, and I get it. That’s completely understandable, but like.. I have a hard time watching people be sad. Just let me be there for you😭

I know that I’m always the first person to say that comparative suffering does not exist because it doesn’t, but there’s a companion statement that I always forget that goes along with that, and it’s, “no one’s suffering is any more or less valid.” I’m super quick to acknowledge that there is no scale, no chart, no way to quantify someone’s suffering, but I often forget that second part. I catch myself victim blaming and saying that someone is choosing to suffer, and, in my mind, I’ll start to invalidate their suffering, but that needs to stop. Whether or not someone is choosing to suffer has no effect on whether or not they are actually suffering. Even if someone is putting themselves in a position where they are the victim, they are still suffering, and they still feel pain (even if they are self inflicting it), and their suffering is still valid. I may not agree with what they are doing or how they are handling things, but I don’t have the right to invalidate anyone else’s feelings. This has been a PSA to myself.

I have no idea what just happened, but a bunch of my group texts started blowing up at the same time, and I just got really overwhelmed and started crying??? I have no idea why that happened, but now I’m mega stressed about literally nothing???

When I start dating someone, I make a blog where I basically just write things to them that are either too sappy or too embarrassing to say to them in person. Then I do this dumb thing where I tell them about it, and later on I do this dumber thing where I show it to them. I’m not crazy. You’re crazy

Oh man. This sucks. I literally just woke up in Matt’s bed crying, and all I can think is like I wanna die. These past few days have been really bad for no reason. I don’t like this

2depressy2getdressy, so I’m literally just not crashing any Monday classes😭

My dudes, there was this girl who joined my sorority, and from day one I didn’t think she was cute. A bunch of girls were /obsessed/ with her, and I was always like wtf she’s so bland. Anyway, she ended up absolutely hating me because I started dating her ex (but tbh that was a self fulfilling prophesy because I don’t think we would have hung out as often if she didn’t make such a big deal about it the first time she found out we met up at a concert, but whatever). So anyway she spent the last nine months or so talking shit about me on her finsta and Twitter and bad mouthing me to anybody who would listen, and at that point I was like my dude you are so not cute at this point. Like I didn’t find you attractive before, but now it’s even worse. You know that Roald Dahl quote? It’s like, “If a person has ugly thoughts, it begins to show on the face. And when that person has ugly thoughts every day, every week, every year, the face gets uglier and uglier until you can hardly bear to look at it.” Yeah. That’s true af. Specifically in this scenario. But I think more than that, it was my distaste for her that made me feel like she was unattractive. So I spent the last 3/4 of a year feeling like his girl was the worst, but I decided that this year it didn’t matter. It’s 2018. I forgave her for everything even though she doesn’t even think she has anything to be sorry for. And let me tell you, I immediately thought she was attractive after that. I literally look at her now, and all I can think is that she’s beautiful, and I hope she does well in life. And wow. Brains are crazy. That’s all.

I’m sitting here thinking about how happy I am with myself, my progress, my life, my friends, etc. but also.. I have this super strong feeling of wanting to die. So like.. I’m really happy rn, but also I wish I was dead, and it that’s not THE paradox of my everyday life, then idk what is.

Wtf I just went from “oh my god my life is the best” to “I want to die” for absolutely no reason in .04 seconds. Why???

When my dad gets really mad he starts playing with his guns, and if that’s not the most terrifying thing ever, then idk what is. Like the fact that he’s even allowed to own guns is so beyond me. @America wtf are you doing?

Oh my god I literally just had an anxiety attack in my bedroom because I can hear my dad talking on the phone to a customer service rep. Wow all of a sudden I remember why I was so anxious all the time in high school. I want to go back to SF. SOS. SOS. SOS.

Completely unrelated to things I usually post on here: I love daisies. I definitely don’t like flowers as gifts still because being responsible for another living thing that will inevitably die within the week is something I’m not interested in, but I love daisies. When I was growing up there used to be this beautiful daisy bush(?) in my backyard, and I loved it so so so much. I remember it seeming so absurdly large at the time, but now when I look at the space that it used to occupy, I realize that it wasn’t all that massive. So I guess I grew up, but seeing daisies still reminds me of carefree springs that turned into lazy summers, and they remind me of home.

My two best friends in SF keep asking me for advice on how to take xans. Like yeah lemme just give you a comprehensive guide on how I spent half of my freshman year trying to accidentally on purpose kill myself because I was so depressed. Please direct your questions elsewhere.

Guys, I don't know what I'm doing. I maybe (?) like this guy that I've been hooking up with for nearly seven months now, but I shouldn't date him. We aren't even in a relationship, and he's showing a lot of signs of being abusive already. And I guess when I say signs, I'm really downplaying it. He literally choked me in a grocery store about a week ago. But I don't know how to get out. I mean, I do. I know I can just walk away, but I am really struggling to get myself to do this. For someone who claims to have as much self respect as I do, I can't do this. And I don't know if it's because he reminds me of Tony in some weird way or if it's because I've started to believe him when he tells me that nobody else would ever be willing to put up with me, but there's something that's keeping me here. And I'm scared. And I need help. But I'm also scared to ask for help because it doesn't make sense for me to say that I know this is wrong, and I know that I need to get out, and I know how to get out, but I can't. How do you even help someone who isn't willing to help themselves? How is it that I'm not willing to help myself?

I thought I was really tight with this kid, but then he got a girlfriend. Now I guess we aren't friends at all, and I normally don't care about this kind of thing because I sort of got used to it, but this time it kinda sucks. I'm genuinely hurt by this because I really thought this kid was cool. I really really just liked him as a person. I guess it's whatever now.