none happiness with left grief

A lot of other folks and myself have talked about Grace's development towards being a hero. Is he a coward when he refuses to go to space? I think coward is a pretty loaded word, and it's such a complex, not black and white story, it's hard to reduce him to that. (Much the same way you absolutely cannot condense Eva Stratt to being a villain of any kind.)

But for the purposes of talking about it, yeah, let's say he's a coward, if coward means he's not brave enough to give his life for others.

Survival is a deeply engrained human instinct. It's why not everyone in the world is jumping up and down to go into dangerous professions, and why very few people in the world actually want to be things like astronauts. I don't think Grace's refusal is even that simple, however, and I think it hinges on two other things.

One, I think he's deeply neurodivergent, and the worst possible thing Stratt could have done was surprised him with the news. The reaction of someone who has volunteered to die because they already feel they have the requisite bravery, and has had years to prepare for that kind of mission, is not at all the same as someone who's just been pulled aside by his friend and told "sorry, you're our last hope; off to space you go," and their brain is not wired to handle change of any kind.

More coming on the above point in the future.

But the second thing is what I really want to talk about here, and I think it not only colours his reaction and refusal to go on the Hail Mary, but also is the key to the unlocking of his bravery that occurs in the later chronology of the story.

Humans carry emotional and psychological baggage. Some of us quite a bit more than others. Some of us feel the baggage is a lot heavier than it should be and don't know why (see, point #1 above).

And I would argue that of all the things Grace carries with him, what he carries the most is a deep aversion to failure. Because, he believes he's a failure, except for perhaps in the classroom where he receives positive feedback from his students.

He's not even really bitter about past failures. He doesn't want to talk about them. He's initially hesitant to talk to Stratt and take on the astrophage research even when she tells him it could redeem his research. When he finds out astrophage is water-based, it only emphasizes what he already believes: he's not good at a lot of things.

Heck, Rocky is way angrier to hear about the "now she's with Mark" story than Grace is to talk about it. It's just a thing that happened to Grace. It's another thing he didn't do right, regardless of why it happened. It's fine. Right?

We don't really hear anything about Grace's far past, and I can only guess how he was as a child. But failure makes him quit, partially from discomfort, and partially because I genuinely think he doesn't want to disappoint people. There's a terrible pain in rejection and disappointment, and Grace has gone out of his way to minimize his exposure to it.

He's hesitant to walk into a room of experts and talk to them. His jokes get shot down most of the time. He's repeatedly, with a few exceptions, expected to be a somewhat muted version of himself. Why would he try, except when it becomes an expectation, not a choice?

"I can't do it!"

That's what he screams when they're holding him down and sedating him.

Not, you're murdering me, as he says in the book. (I think the movie does a much more coherent job of structuring Grace's change over time based on this section.)

"I can't do it" speaks multitudes. Those are the words of someone who has failed. Who knows what failure looks like. Who oddly enough, isn't afraid to admit he can't. Or, at least that he feels he can't.

He doesn't want to go to space because he doesn't want to die, but he also doesn't think he'll be able to complete the mission if he does go.

Can you imagine the failure, for him? Who wants to stay on Earth, teach his school kids, because he's good at that, and he knows he can contribute that small amount?

He doesn't want to do, and he can't in any world envision a future where he can be brave and strong enough to be the hero everyone wants him to be. Could he, objectively? Probably, but this is a dude with decades of emotional baggage weighing him down, experience telling him otherwise, and humans build our decisions around those types of experiences.

Except, there is that world out there.

Yeah. There's a world where the baggage is gone.

Objectively, Grace is a brilliant scientist. He's a natural problem solver who looks at things from odd angles and figures them out. His brain thinks about random shit. It thinks about 3 different types of random shit at the same time. He's a textbook of random teacher facts. He arts and crafts his way through the entire story. He knows how to use almost every piece of scientific equipment in a bio lab.

He just doesn't believe any of that matters.

But, what happens if you take away all the baggage? If you take away the emotional flashbacks, the memory and consequent sick feeling in your stomach of failure, all the times you tried and it didn't work and you just don't feel you have it in you anymore?

You have someone. He doesn't even know his name. But all those tremendous skills are still there, locked away in a different part of his brain that isn't susceptible to the drug amnesia.

Ryland Grace without his memories is free.

"AM I SMART?"

Look at him. He's already asking that question, having just woken up, with barely any memories in his head. That's how heavy that baggage is. That doubt still pops up.

But he has undeniable evidence that he is. That he knows things. That he cares for people. And when combined with the (false) belief that he chose to go on the mission, he builds it into a new cognitive framework based on a Ryland Grace that didn't fail.

The memories come back, yes. But as they do, so also does his competency and belief in himself grow. He's in a precarious position, and he is succeeding in figuring it out.

By the time Rocky pops up, he's meeting a Ryland Grace with a few ounces of faith in himself. He's meeting the real, unabashed Grace who is doing all the things he loves.

He wears his funny science shirts.

He teaches Rocky.

He does bio science.

He makes incredible discoveries.

He believes he can save Earth.

He believes he can save Rocky.

And, he does.

~Don't believe in the Hail Mary; believe in Ryland Grace.~

And by the time all the memory pieces comes together ... it doesn't matter. You see the emotions collide in him. And you see that new framework slowly, painfully, crush the old one, because Grace has been given a chance to do things over.

The Hail Mary only carries so much baggage. And much of what is packed for Grace is good. His favorite clothes. His hacky sack. A surprising amount of hand-crafted knitting. Coffee just the way he likes it. Good luck pictures from his students.

Stratt packed him the essence of his soul. And he takes grab of it all and refuses to let go.

It's carry-on baggage only, and what Grace brings is the goodness of his soul, the sharpness of his mind, and the bravery of someone who was broken, once, but is no longer.

So many doors that were closed are now open.

Would Grace be afraid to let Rocky in, emotionally? Like he's done with others in the past? He's not. He cries for him. He's willing to die for him. There are no masks. No walls. They dance. They sing. They survive.

Because Grace is finally free to be himself. He believes in himself. And Rocky believes in him just as he is.