Laini Joy

I look at you and see all the ways a soul can bruise, and I wish I could sink my hands into your flesh and light lanterns along your spine so you know there’s nothing but light when I see you.

It’s so hard to understand what traveling does to your brain unless you’ve done it. It’s like a drug that completely opens your mind. You become addicted to the feeling of change and leaving your comfort zone. You learn so many new things about yourself and most importantly you become so aware of the beautiful and breathtaking world around you.

i tell him: here is where the fork goes, which paint looks best, what to wear to this, what to say in response to a gift, here is how to turn down food twice before accepting the third time, here is how to be nice to someone who is not nice to you, here is how you clear a table, here is how you clear someone else’s table, here is how you thank someone for dinner, for wine, for being there, here is how to state your opinion in a quiet and differential way so they will be more accepting, here is how to ask someone to do something and not be considered bossy, here is how to say “no” and not sound angry   i tell him: watch her bag, you’re in the way; go get the door for that woman, she’s carrying her baby; there’s a child behind you, don’t step back; you just cut in front of them, at least send them an apologetic look; please tell that man to shut up, i am too small to punch him and i might if he keeps talking; please tell that man to stop offering her drinks, she doesn’t want any and he’s not listening; please please please call your friends out when they make jokes that would poison me   he asks me how i keep everything straight, he says, “you’re always so polite, always looking out for everybody,” he asks me how i know how to run a house and a business and a party, how i know all of these small lessons in etiquette as if they were ingrained in me, how i weigh every situation i walk into in a fraction of an instant, how i always seem to know what to do   and i love him dearly but i would love to live in a world where i would not have to know these things, i would love to be like him and walk with my spine straight at a train station, i would love to leave messes wherever i went and expect that someone will clean them, to never worry that i’m drinking or eating or laughing or talking too much, i would love to be able to calm down at a bar and just talk instead of worrying that the girl next to me is too drunk to walk and the person talking to her isn’t letting her go home, i would love to be blind to the things that i know, i would love to be rude and loud and to take up the space that the mountain range in me wants to expand to   but i tell him: here is how i survive. it is all i know how to do.

i. when you smile  the world forgets to breathe and all the air  sets on fire.   ii. what i mean to say is that yesterday when you asked me how i was doing it was the one nice thing that happened all day, and i know you’re just kind like that but it made things a little bit okay.   iii. you are the heat of noon sun and the  slice of cake and the laughter of an erupting mountain. oceans turn still when you meet them. you’re a ribbon of bright red, you burn so bright that even rocks melt  beside you   iv.  i want to burn my mouth on you.   v. what i mean to say is  it’s okay if we’re going nowhere,  as long as i’m going with you.