Laila bint Al-Qalam

It’s a couple days till Halloween, and everyone’s caught in its spirit,

From dressing up to decorating- to watching horror movies till the next morning.

But I sit in the crisp air at dawn, realizing that in about 36 days it could have been two years for us.

It would have been.

Everyone’s getting their costumes ready for parties or to visit haunted houses,

But the only thing that will plague me for lifetimes to come are the what if’s and could’ve been’s of the life we would have had.

Beach picnics and movie nights don’t hold the same magic as it used to,

Gone were our plans for the holidays, and trips we talked about for when we’re apart, cause we could have made it worked.

I would have tried to make it work

And after us, I have accepted a long time ago that that wasn’t something you want, and isn’t it cruel that I still think of you?

And of all the things we used to do?

Out of habit, my fingers hover over your name by memory, wanting to call you to tell you about my day

In between my bathroom walls, the white light and a mirror too high to see my reddened eyes, my chest constricts, no air left for me to even let out a sob.

Breathe

Unexpectedly you came back, as well as the echoes of my past, tightened the hands I haven’t seen since middle school around my neck-

In, Out, In, Out

The drumming of my heart thuds against my head as I try to breathe, remember how to breathe.

Breat—

I remember to breathe.

Breathe in

My neck tender, my cold companion settles against my nape.

Alone.

Breathe out

You’ve grown taller than me, your thoughts are your own, we lived through different houses, yet in each one of them you made it a home.

We have the same hair, our eye colour is one, we share the same blood, and a similar pattern of love.

Our father’s rage passed down to us, as well as our mother’s mind,

You’re the only who can make me laugh so hard, and so easily can make me cry.

I’ve carried you in my arms when you were brought into this world,

I look up to the sky only to find clouds in your silhouette

And along the garden are flowers of your scent

I look away from the golden sun as it reminds me of you

I sit by the door, waiting, have you any clue

Of the memories and stories, you’ve left behind

Only to start a new one without me in your life

Light shades of grey or even dark

I would have endured all of the hues just to have your heart

You have engulfed mine, it stayed with you

I am empty, I am empty, I am empty

(Thanks Dad)

The loss of time with you is unexplainable, because we live in the same house.

Time goes by and you go with it; how can I rewind to when we were little?

Playing hop scotch, wearing matching shirts, running around the coffee table to see who gets caught first.

We went through the same hurt, the same pains, we’re from the same hearth.

Now, you’re mean, you’re cut off. I don’t know which is worse.

Reaching out never works; there’s a wall I’ve never seen built surrounds you. I wonder if you knew I had one too.

I know we have our differences, and our aches on our backs are distinct.

Even with this Sisyphean struggle, I still kept my hands out for you, in hopes we stay linked.

Forgiveness in my home comes in silence

There are no apologies, no defense, nothing of significance. My mother, she carries it on her shoulders, heavy with the faults of my father

Forgiveness comes in silence

I spent years learning how to grasp the tools my mother handmade from scratch. How to better understand my father’s mind, so that I could mold mine akin to his

But I look in the mirror, and I see no difference. I’ve carried; I carry her quiet and his wrath

Forgiveness comes in silence

Father, your wrath is in my veins. I echo your rage and mimic your face. I writhe and struggle from the confines of this box

I refuse to be another; I refuse you to be chained

I spent years trying to forgive someone like you

So, I look in the mirror and see the eyes of my mother, her smile, her mind, and her silence.

However long it takes, with either you at the back of my mind or at the bottom of my heart, anyway with how it goes-

In time, my forgiveness will come with significance.

Love is being drawn out to be cradled in its last embrace

To be known only for a little while then let go

Paths once believed to be intertwined has now gone astray

I have given my cup, my plate, and my cutlery

The stove is on and the table has been made

I have poured, plated, and waited

The candle blazing between I and an empty chair

Waiting as the food slowly goes stale

There’s wax all over the table

The burnt smell in the air

The food has gone cold

-

Office Distractions

Rip my ears out to cancel these noises,

Lips smacking,

Teeth sucking,

The slosh of food as they eat with their mouths open, loud and clear against the fluorescent white lights, I search for the momentary oasis of keyboards clicking every now and then-

But it goes away.

My scarf at my nape bothers me as it goes over my ears and under me, it aches, and it aches more when my hair slips out of my scarf like silk, like static-

My hands feel like pin pricks with the irritation clogging up my throat.

I will lay with you for all eternity

Nothing else is needed when your point of view is sufficient

A dent has been made in my soul with the shape only you can fill

I am from your rib, so feel the way your presence devours my thoughts

Regret may consume you for the way you’ve fallen

Devotion is me as I leapt into your arms

Sunflowers grew tranquil from below the cement Doves dropped branches of grief,

I stare into the sun hoping it simmers the rage inside of me,

And when it rains, it's a reminder of what was underneath the dirt you're covered in.