South Park kids as things my friends IRL have said
Cartman: “You grossly underestimate how much Mountain Dew I can guzzle in one sitting.” [leans forward and smiles menacingly] “And now you’re about to lose money on it.”
Kyle: “The satisfaction I get when someone, preferably after a lot of resistance, finally admits I’m right is honestly better than dating.”
Kenny: “I mean, my girlfriend and I? We’ve been together for two weeks, so it’s not THAT weird for me to have detailed and drawn out BDSM dreams involving her. Chill out.”
Stan: “You guys believe whatever you want to believe. You call it being picky; I call it ‘having evolved from being a fucking ape.’”
Butters: [sits down besides person and pats their back] “Aw, are you sure you’re really all right today, bitch?”
Tweek: “I don’t understand how ANYONE can hate coffee! It’s like, Adderall—but you don’t have to spend money and exaggeration skills until you convince a doctor to give you a prescription! It’s cheap, over-the-counter productivity!”
Craig: [after comfortingly hugging a friend who asked for advice] “You see? What did I tell you? This is why you end up miserable. You never keep a cap on the amount of free fucks you give until it’s too late and you’ve destabilized the fuck economy.”
Clyde: “Oh no, you got it wrong. I don’t actually GET anything from it, but it pisses my mom off, so it’s worth it in its own right!”
Token: [exasperated gestures] “Are we seriously wasting time letting him read off Merriam-Webster to tell me what "offensive” means?“
Jimmy: "Yeah, I tripped her with my crutches. She totally deserved it.”
Wendy: [while absently chewing on a french fry] “Sometimes I wonder how climate change skeptics manage to keep from crying themselves to sleep every night.”
Bebe: [pulls earphones out of friend’s ears] “Uh-uh. Breakup songs won’t help you THIS time.”
Heidi: “I’m sorry you got your hopes up, dude, but that just isn’t your girlfriend sexting you. Whoever he or she is got the emojis all wrong. I don’t think Cassie knows where the banana emoji even IS on her keyboard.”
Nichole: “It’s like in that one romcom. I think the girl’s line was, 'Why do all the nice, handsome guys already have boyfriends?’” [sighs] “I feel so stupid. The movie was good, though.”
Henrietta: “God, if you’re trying to be an edgelord, do it right at least!”
(BONUS - Randy: “What do you MEAN it’s not okay to make an analogy comparing the libtards at this university to termites? This is an EDITORIAL.”)
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