hockey, cause I like pain

September 2005 

The best friendships start on the fourth grade playground.

State the source? Maddie Gallagher and Joe Burrow.

Confirmed? On a random Tuesday at Athens Elementary. 

At the far edge of the playground, Joe Burrow sits alone on a weathered wood plank, muted expression on his face. The buzzed blonde hair on his head attracts the afternoon sun rays and baggy clothes hang off his slim frame. Some sort of athletic shoes with stripes are on his feet as he kicks at a chunk of wood chips. Maddie notices him immediately. New kids stand out at their elementary school like fresh paint, and before she can think it through fully, she bounds over to him with her hidden pack of chocolate donuts.

A year prior, she was the new kid and she understands how hard it can be to make friends in a town as small as this. Everyone in Athens is seemingly born here, lifers, except for the handful of kids like her and now this kid, who got relocated here for their parents jobs. A lot of those kids move on after a few years, heading to bigger and better opportunities outside of Southeast Ohio. But maybe this kid will stick around.

“Hey.” Maddie reaches him, smiling with her greeting. Joe squints up, eyes barely open before he looks away again with a scrunched nose. For a moment, Maddie thinks she is bothering him. But then his quiet ‘hi’ reaches her and she exhales in relief. 

“Hungry?” Maddie asks, offering him the slightly squished packaging. Chocolate has smeared on the clear part, making the pastries look like remnants of an explosion.

“I’m not really allowed to eat donuts.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know. Sugar, I guess?” His small shoulders raise and drop like life is what it is. Donuts or no donuts. 

“Oh. Says who?”

“My mom.” Maddie’s mom is a nurse and tries to keep her eating gross things like broccoli, but she still lets her eat donuts.

“Well, she ain’t here.” Maddie thrusts the packaging closer to him, weaving it in front of his blue eyes. Joe looks down at the donuts, then at her, pausing to calculate her trustworthiness. She’s wearing her favorite pink shirt with printed white bows and a pair of jeans. Her chocolate hair is wildly falling out of the braid her mom twisted together in a rush this morning. She’s slightly scuffed and rumpled from running around with the before school program in the gym. But her eyes are kind and her smile is genuine, so Joe tentatively reaches for one.

“Your parents let you have sugar for breakfast?” He questions after his first bite.

“Only when we’re running late. It’s just my mom and me. Well, my dad’s around… kinda… but not really.” Maddie shrugs, eyes squinting as she plops down beside him. The donut pack is set between them for easy access. She licks her lips and wipes her chocolate hands down her thighs, not caring about the stains they leave behind. “You have a dad?”

“Yeah. He coaches football.”

“Oh. That’s why you moved here?” Maddie asks, nose scrunched. “Doubt you’ll be here to see high school then. None of the coaches kids stay long.” 

“Guess you want your donut back then?” Joe offers back his half eaten one. Maddie giggles and a corner of Joe’s lips lift in response to it. It’s bubbly and bright, approachable too, like the girl next to him.

“Nah. This way you’ll remember me when you move on.”

Joe shrugs, then pops the rest into his mouth.

Maddie and Joe work on the remaining donuts, sharing the odd number down to cutting one in half. As they eat, Maddie does a majority of the talking. Joe learns everything there is to know about her. Her parents are divorced, she was born in Minnesota, and she really, really likes soccer. Joe shares too, talking about his family including his much older brothers who live in Nebraska, proudly saying they live and die with their football teams, and he isn’t sure he likes living in Athens yet. When silence traps the conversation, Maddie easily maneuvers it with a question or a joke, creating a non-stop chatter Joe isn’t used to. When they’re done talking about sports, family, and tv they like, Maddie pivots to talking about ants, pointing to the ones scattering around their sneakers.

“What’s your favorite ant? You seem like the kinda kid that knows about ants.” Maddie squints as she studies him, lower lip slightly pouted as if she has him all figured out.

“You talk a lot.” Joe says it with a tone of disbelief. Like he hasn’t quite met someone who epitomizes a stuck radio the way she does.

“Yeah. Once I start I don’t really know how to stop. Drives my dad nuts. I think that’s why I don’t see him as much now.”

Silence.

“Does it bug you? That I talk?” Maddie asks, avoiding direct eye contact with him and instead picking at the worn knot in her sneaker laces.

“No.” 

“Cool.” She smiles, relaxing. Her finger reaches down, collecting a black ant onto the tip of her finger. The two kids bend their heads together, watching as it winds it’s way down her chipped, blue nail polish to the palm of her hand. 

“Fire ants. They’re my favorite.” Joe finally answers. “Cause they are the strongest and are known to survive floods.”

“Really?” Maddie quirks an eyebrow. “What else?”

Now it’s Joe’s turn to shine. He fills her in on everything there is to know about fire ants. How they can kill healthy crops in days. How they make living life rafts to survive rising water. How they can carry almost 20 times their body weight, and an entire colony attack can send humans into comas. 

“I was right about you, Joe Burrow.” Maddie smirks. “You’re a nerd. And I like that about you.”

“Yeah.” Joe laughs, bashful as he looks down at the ground, kicking a rock with his toe. Carefully, Maddie places the ant back on the ground, watching it scurry away to the hill by her left sneaker.

The teacher’s whistle shrieks out over the playground, making both kids jump. Recess went faster than usual today. Joe stands up first, extending his hand out to Maddie to help her up too. She hastily brushes the rocks off her jeans, then puts her hands on her hips.

“Well, do ya think you’d wanna do this again tomorrow?” Maddie asks, balancing on the outside edges of her shoes as she asks. Her vibrant blue-green eyes still squint against the sun, making a curious crinkle form above one nostril. 

“Sure.” Joe nods, face getting cool and serious as though making his first friend in his new town isn’t the biggest relief since he arrived this summer. He can’t wait to tell his older brothers, Jamie and Dan.

The next day, Maddie invites her neighbor, Drew, to join her and Joe for their donuts. She busted out two whole packages they have to hide behind their backs so the teachers don’t confiscate them. Drew and Joe are fast friends too and the three formed a recess pack for the rest of the year.

Over the following school years, Joe, Maddie and Drew became the welcoming committee to the new kids. Avery joined next, moving from Boston to Athens for her dad’s job at Ohio University. Then came Jaylen, who relocated from Missouri with his aunt and uncle. For a few years, the group stayed at 5, until they rounded things out with Sierra who relocated from California.

Along the way, Joe and Maddie became inseparable. Wherever one was, the other was too.

Joey and Maddie.

Maddie and Joey.

As their friendship grew, the one between their families did as well. Soon, Burrow family holidays included Maddie and her mom, Julie, without question. New Years, Memorial Day, Fourth of July, Thanksgiving, and even Christmas, they were regulars at the Burrow house, celebrating with the extended family. Together, the two families built a comfortable life together. The Burrows welcomed Maddie in on nights her mom had overnights at the hospital. She slept in the bottom bunk bed in Joe’s room like any other friend, and Robin would take them both to school in the morning before heading off to her own teaching job. 

In a small town, things are simpler. Understood. Easier. Quieter.

People look out for each other and found family becomes as important as blood.

For a group of transplants, that’s how Athens, Ohio became home.

= = = 

December 2012

Without saying a single word to each other, Joe and Maddie share an entire conversation from their seats in the living room. On the TV, American Idol is away for a commercial break. In the leather arm chair beside the couch, Robin sits in her chair, scribbling notes for her grocery list. At the top of the paper in capital letters is CANDLES, because although Joe’s 16th birthday is today, he didn’t get to make a wish over his Funfetti cake due to a lack of pyrotechnics. Robin was beside herself about forgetting to pick them up from the store on her way back from school.

After getting his license this morning, Joe couldn’t have cared less about birthday candles or cake. But neither teenager had the heart to disappoint his mom. She still thinks he is six years old, and cares about things like that, thus the delicate dance happening between the two high school students in the room with her.

Ask again! Maddie’s eyes say.

You ask. Joe snaps back, tilting his head towards his mom.

They’ve asked Robin five times so far tonight if they can go for a drive together. The second Joe walked out of the DMV with his new privileges, his parents slapped down terms and conditions. The first one? No driving after dark. It’s December in Ohio, so the sun set a long time ago, squashing the potential of an after school drive. Maddie is still 15 for almost 5 months and she’s planning on taking full advantage of her best friend’s license.

“Robin?” Maddie murmurs sweetly.

“No.” Robin says without looking up from her list.

Joe and Maddie release identical sighs, slumping in their respective seats. 

Now what? Joe asks with a popped eye brow.

We sneak out. Her eyes dash to the door.

No. Joe rolls his eyes.

Chicken.Maddie twitches hers.

Stakes are too high. Joe shakes his head. 

Robin and Jimmy wouldn’t hesitate to take away Joe’s driving privileges if he were to follow that plan. Joe breaks eye contact with Maddie, contemplating.

“Mom.” He speaks cautiously.

“Joe.” Robin says tiredly, stretching her head towards the ceiling as if to ask the Lord for his strength.

“What if we stay in the neighborhood? Like these four streets. It’ll be a loop.” Robin pauses, pen hovered over her grocery list. 

“I’ll think about it.” She finally says, grabbing her stack of coupons.

Joe’s eyes dart excitedly to Maddie who hides her mischievous grin in the collar of her soccer sweatshirt. 

It wasn’t a no. The teenagers are wearing her down.

“Do we have enough Gatorade for practice this week? For both of you?” Robin asks the room.

“I’ll check!” Maddie bounces up from the couch to be helpful. She walks into the kitchen, crouching down to the bottom shelf of the pantry and seeing only 6 Gatorades left. “Need more!” She calls out to Robin.

“Thank you, hon.” Robin says when Maddie returns, plopping back down on the couch. “Your homework is done?” Robin directs the question at both kids because Maddie is staying the night in the guest room. Her mom, Julie, is working an overnight nursing shift for some extra money so Maddie can keep playing indoor soccer through the winter in Columbus. Next year, when she can drive, Maddie will finally be allowed to stay home alone overnight.

“Yes.” Both teens respond immediately. Technically, Maddie has a few math problems to finish up, but Joe said he would help her in 1st period. 

“Nice night out there.” Maddie casually tosses out as she looks over her shoulder to see the quiet neighborhood out the window. “No traffic. Clear streets and skies….” Joe puts his laugh into his fist, turning towards the kitchen to avoid completely busting out. 

“Oh my god.” Robin mutters, tossing her list to the side and heading off in the direction of the office where Jimmy has disappeared to continue work. The door opens and shuts. Maddie and Joe don’t dare breathe, waiting for her to return. Robin rounds the wall again, tired and annoyed. “Okay, you can drive the neighborhood and ONLY the neighborhood.” Robin barely looks at Joe before her eyes are on Maddie, pinning her because honestly, she would be the one to get Joe off the rails.

“Yes ma’am.” Maddie and Joe repeat.

“Seatbelts. “ Robin moves her fingers between the two of them. “And you’re back here in 20 minutes. Then it’s time to get ready for bed. I have meetings tomorrow and need to get you to school early.”

“Mom, I can drive us tomorrow.” Joe insists.

“We aren’t there yet, honey.” Robin shakes her head. “We need to buy you a parking pass and discuss rules before we open those flood gates. Take what you can get.” She swirls her finger towards the front door. “20 minutes.”

“Thanks!” Maddie squeals, bolting up and grabbing her school bag. Joe follows quickly behind her to the front entry way where they hop and stumble, getting their shoes on fast.

“Jackets!” Robin yells to them when they try to leave without. 

“Oh my god.” Maddie complains under her breath.

“I know.” Joe grumbles.

But they both grab their winter coats and head out the door before Robin can change her mind again.

“Ah!!!!” Maddie squeals as she slides into the passenger side of his used Toyota Rav-4.

“Sweet, sweet freedom.” Joe grins excitedly, sticking his key in the car and turning the ignition. He moves the gear shift and the car lurches forward instead of backwards.

“Shit.” He looks at Maddie and they both laugh. He almost put the car through the garage door, but that will stay between them.

“Try going backwards this time.” Maddie smirks.

“Great idea, bubbles.” Joe snickers, using the longstanding nickname he adopted for her in 6th grade, in reference to the blue Powder Puff girl. ‘You’re mostly sweet, but when someone pushes your buttons you turn into a ball of rage. Like Bubbles.’ He wasn’t wrong. Still the truth today too.

Carefully, Joe puts the car in reverse and rolls out of the driveway. He turns the wheel to the right then begins a slow drive through the neighborhood. Dorky, happy smiles fill both their faces and they share an excited look. Joe’s right. The whole world has opened up for them now. 

“Okay.” Maddie says, looking over her shoulder to make sure the car can’t be seen from the Burrow house. “Pull over.”

“Okay?” Joe says with hesitation. He pulls the car close to the sloped curve then puts it into park.

“Now what?”

“One sec.” Maddie rummages through the brown messenger bag she uses as a backpack. “Ugh. Crap.” She mutters, realizing her big, metal water bottle squished the packaging some. “Close your eyes.” She tells Joe who does so without question. In the passenger seat, Maddie pulls out the small box of chocolate donuts, arranging them into a stack in her palm. Then she puts a long, pink candle into the middle, letting it rest on one of the rings so it stays mostly upright. She giggles silently to herself then lights the candle with a kitchen lighter from home. “Okay! Open!” Maddie exclaims.

Joe does, immediately seeing the flame. He grins. 

“What’s this?”

“Tradition.” She beams, “We became friends over donuts. Now we celebrate with donuts.” Joe nods, liking her explanation.

“So I do get a birthday wish this year.” 

“You do!” Maddie cheers. “Make it a good one.” She pops an eyebrow at him.

“All I wanted was to get my license.” Joe murmurs logically. “Now I have some actual freedom.”

“Tell your mom that.” Maddie snorts. 

“Eh.” Joe cringes. “I’m kinda her whole world. She can’t help it.”

“Kinda?” Maddie shakes her head, eyebrows twisted in disbelief. “Ow!” She exclaims as hot pink wax drips down the candle and drops into her palm. “Hurry! Make a wish!” Maddie wiggles uncomfortably.

“Oh my god. Hold it still.” Joe complains, reaching out to grab her wrist. His hand, callused from sports, scrapes against the soft skin of her pulse, making it quicken. His thumb stretches over the tendons and veins showing through her pale, Winter skin. He holds her steady, head slightly tilted as he takes the care and consideration for his wish.

Decidedly, Joe’s lips form an oval and he pushes out a smooth puff of air, successfully blowing the candle out. His eyes don’t move from hers and although the flame is gone, Maddie still detects warmth from a spark. Joe’s fingers linger on her wrist, brushing two swipes before it stills again. Then, before she can read anything into that, Joe leans forward and smashes his face into the donuts, gobbling them with his teeth, until donut crumbs explode all over her.

“Joey!” She yells, pulling her hands away from him and using her shoulder to keep him on his side of the car. “You’re an animal!” She shrieks as he continues to chomp at the air. Their laughter fills the car along with the sweet smells of chocolate and dough. “They’re ruined!” Maddie insists, holding up the dilapidated leftovers. “What am I gonna do with this?”

Joe holds his hands out and takes the crumbs from her. He leans back in the driver’s seat, immediately plopping the bigger chunks he can find into his mouth. Maddie leans over, picking a piece for herself off his palm. She tucks it through her lips and chews thoughtfully, wondering if she should keep her recent news to herself. Ultimately, she decides to share.

Her and Joe don’t keep secrets from each other. No reason to start now.

“Minnesota Soccer reached out. They want me to schedule a recruiting trip for the Spring, right after my birthday.” Maddie is a decorated and highly skilled soccer player at Athens. She’s worked hard the last few years to put herself in collegiate recruiting conversations. She’ll have several options to choose from, but if she’s honest, she kind of already has her heart set on Minnesota. They’re not the most premier program in the NCAA, but they would get her out of Ohio and back to the place she grew up. Her dad is still there and yeah he sucks, but Maddie still holds onto hope there could be a different relationship for them.

“Whoa.” Joe murmurs. “Are you considering?”

“Yeah.” Maddie nods, crushing her hands between her knees. Slowly, she turns to look at Joe. His expression is unreadable.

“That’s like… what, four states away?” 

“Yeah. Something like that.” Maddie shrugs. “I really think I might end up going there.”

“I’m proud of you.” Joe tells her quietly. Words like that matter from him. He doesn’t readily share praise or emotion; those reactions have to be justified. “You’ve worked hard for this. Earned it.”

“Thanks, Joey.” She nibbles her bottom lip. “I’m not dumb right? Like… to even consider?” It’s unspoken she is referencing her dad factoring into this decision.

“No. It’s okay to want things to be different and to do what you can to have an chance for that. Plus, being on scholarship there means your dad doesn’t have to pay for school. That’s what you want right? Maybe he will like that too.”

“I’m scared to want this. All he does is let me down.”

“Yeah, I mean, he sucks. But maybe things would be different if you were back there. It’s okay to hope for that.”

“Or it’s stupid.” Maddie points out. “I’ve had almost 16 years of experiences with him. People don’t change.”

“He does try sometimes. But he isn’t consistent about it. That’s the part that isn’t fair.” Joe shrugs, finishing off the last of the donuts. He wipes his hands outside the window, then puts the car back into drive. When they make the loop around the neighborhood, Robin is standing in the driveway looking less than pleased.

“Did you leave the neighborhood?!” She snaps, blonde hair flying in the night as she stands with her hip popped.

“No!” Maddie calls out as they drive by.

“Why haven’t you come around yet?” She stalks the driveway as the car keeps moving.

“He’s driving like a grandma!” Maddie bellows out gleefully. 

“Five more minutes!” Robin yells after them.

“Robin is going to come to college with you. No matter where you go.” Maddie jokes.

“Yeah, that’s why she’s thrilled with my only offer being OU.” Joe laughs, shaking his head. “She won’t have to move.”

“That’s going to change. You’ll get others.” 

“I don’t know. I feel like I stack up well with other QBs in our region, but then I go to camp and I suck. I gotta get better.”

“You will.” Maddie insists. “Nobody works harder than you.”

Joe loops onto his street again. Robin has disappeared back into the house.

The two friends look at each other in unspoken agreement for one more lap.

= = =

October 2014

It’s been a long time since Maddie scanned the stands for someone she knew she wouldn’t find. 

But tonight, on senior night for the graduating girls soccer players, she thought she was safe.

Earlier in the month, her dad, Duncan, insisted he would be here. 7 days ago he did too, hell even 48 hours prior, he confirmed for a third time. “Game is at 7? I’ll make it.”

But now the ceremony is about to start and only her mom, Julie, walks down with the other parents towards the field. Everyone else has two parents, except for Maddie. In a small town like Athens, her family stands out as bruised and broken as it is.

The hot pink headband in her hair squeezes her head too tight, making her temples throb. A large chunk of rock deposits into her throat, making it almost impossible to swallow down dry.

“Big day! Senior night!!” Her mom cheers, clapping her gloved hands and opening her arms up to Maddie for a hug. Julie is dressed in Athens colors including a sweatshirt, vest and hat. On the left side is this year’s picture pin complete with glittering tan and green ribbons flowing from the bottom curve. In the center, Maddie stands with the soccer ball on her hip, looking confident and competitive, proudly showcasing the C on the left side of her jersey. The pin gets crushed between their bodies as Julie hugs her daughter tight, already trying to smooth over the storm brewing. 

“So he isn’t here?” Maddie accuses, searching her mom’s blue eyes. Years of the same conversation has her mom’s face holding kind but neutral. 

“No. There was an emergency at work and he couldn’t… Yeah.” Julie trails off as Maddie scoffs, crossing her arms over her chest.

“Why doesn’t he just say no?!” She snaps.

“I know. I’m sorry.” Her mom frowns, shaking her head. What else is there to say?

Julie tries to change the conversation to lighter topics to lift Maddie’s spirits. Complimenting how she looked in warm ups, reminding her of the puppy chow waiting at home, pointing out where her friend, Avery, and the other cheerleaders are practicing their new routine in preparation for regional football championships.

“Look, hon. The Burrow’s are here.” Julie points out excitedly as they walk onto the field for the ceremony. “Jimmy too! He made it back in time!”

Maddie follows her mom’s point, seeing the Burrow’s huddled together. Robin stands, clapping excitedly before thrusting her hands into the air and yelling for Maddie. A smiling Jimmy sits bundled up beside Robin as does Joe sitting on a green, football tie blanket. His long legs stretched over the bleachers as he tosses a simple thumbs up at her. Maddie holds up an L to him, calling him a loser. She can see his grin clearly from the field. He is leading Athens to their first regional championship and is far from the dig.

The ceremony passes in a blur Maddie can barely participate in. She goes through the motions, waving at the crowd, taking pictures with her mom and handing off the bouquet of flowers all the mothers are getting. Julie squeezes Maddie tight, not quite able to believe her baby is a senior in high school. Soon, she’ll be off to the University of Minnesota on a full ride athletic scholarship and Julie will stay here, living the life she built from the smoldering world they left behind in Minnesota when Maddie was 7.

As Maddie stands on the sidelines with her teammates during the national anthem, all she can think about is her ugly history. 

Her parents got pregnant with her when they were 17, seniors in high school with bright futures painted on the horizon. Her dad, Duncan, came from a wealthy suburb and her mom had been from a poor, inter-city family with deeply religious roots. Those roots had her parents finding each other at a private, Catholic high school in Minneapolis where unsupervised time in the boy’s locker room led to Maddie. The reaction was awful, made even worse by two families who shamed their teenagers into getting married to right their wrongs in the eyes of God. 

Nothing was ever quite right in their family from the get go. Her dad resented being held back by a wife and child while Julie did everything she could to create a stable environment for Maddie. Sometimes things were good, usually around holidays when the magic of the season made her parents grateful for their life and each other. But that would naturally fade under the bright lights of reality and things would be bad again. Maddie’s last memories in Minnesota were full of fighting and tears- a lot of quiet dinners with only her mom in a tiny apartment while her dad worked hard at building his resume as a young, hot shot lawyer for his family’s international real-estate business. Now he’s a well-respected, corporate lawyer with loads of wealth to buy Maddie’s forgiveness. Or attempt to. 

Duncan’s success cost them all something though. When he should have been investing in his wife and child, he instead was schmoozing his father’s wealthy clients, negotiating acquisitions to purchase smaller companies, and spending every few days flying to new places across the globe. He was never home and when he was home, it wore on Julie.

After Maddie turned 6, her parents stopped trying and signed the paperwork, agreeing to end their marriage but co-parent amicably. Julie received full custody of Maddie with promises to Duncan of every other holiday and a few weeks together in the summer. With his work schedule, it just made sense. The problem with her dad was that he could be consistent everywhere else except with his daughter. This taught Maddie at a young age that all people do is let you down. 

Now, at 17, it’s like she is learning the lesson all over again. It’s humiliating.

Disinterested in the rest of the anthem, she glances over her shoulder to the stands. Joe is standing, hands in his pockets, body language sore and tired. The football team had practice right before the game, so he hasn’t been home since he left at 6:00am for weight lifting. Nothing could have kept him away from this game though. It means something to Maddie, so it’s matters to him too.

His eyes scan along the sidelines, catching hers with a cocked eyebrow. 

Good?, He mouths. Maddie scrunches her face into a scowl. Take it easy. He continues, face getting serious, hand bouncing over the ground in a settle down motion.

Maddie wouldn’t know how to do that if she tried. She’s a 0 or 100 kind of girl and her best friend knows that. 

Rage ignites Maddie into an outstanding performance. She nets two goals and assists on the third, all over the score sheet in the right ways. And the wrong ones too. 

A yellow card slid in front of her face after three other warnings from the ref for being too physical on the pitch. Coach ends up pulling Maddie in the last third of the game, patting her back with a ‘good job’ and a sigh of relief. 

When the final whistle blows, Maddie jogs out to the handshake line before beelining off the field. She storms into the locker room, kicking her cleats off and slamming her locker shut. She’s gone the second coach releases them, stalking through the school towards the parking lot. Normally, the parents and other spectators hang around the track waiting to talk to the players. Her mom is probably there with the other parents, but Maddie doesn’t care. She needs to go. 

She hustles across the blacktop, fishing out her lanyard with the keys to her old silver Jeep Cherokee. Originally, her dad got her a new, fancy Jeep Wrangler but Julie nixed that immediately, instead they settled on an older, but reliable car. Headlights dash and disappear as cars peel out of the parking lot. The few cars surrounding Maddie’s earlier in the day have left, so she has an unobstructed view of Joe leaning against the hood of her car. His green letter jacket covers his body and a stark, white Ohio State hat makes his head practically glow in the dark. He doesn’t say anything as she approaches, but opens his hand palm up for the keys to her car. She drops them there without breaking a stride. 

After tossing her Nike bag in the backseat, Maddie climbs into the passenger side, feet squishing into empty Gatorade bottles and discarded soccer socks. Joe puts the key in the ignition, then flips the headlights on, immediately pulling out of the parking spot. Maddie doesn’t cry until they’re out of the city limits. Then it’s a raging storm at sea- wet, loud and intense. 

Joe keeps driving, not saying anything, letting the country radio station fill whatever silence there is between Maddie’s sobs. She doesn’t need him to say anything. It’s not like she didn’t see his skepticism all week when she was talking about the things she would do with her dad while he was visiting. He knows the cycle as well as she does now. 

Eventually, Joe pulls up to a lakeside parking lot in the regional park. The water is unmoving and inky, deep in a scary way that makes the world feel too vast in Maddie’s vulnerability. She reaches over, fumbling for Joe’s hand. He laces their fingers together like muscle memory. 

“You’re okay.” He says in a low tone. Although quiet, his voice is steady, sure, in a way Maddie always wants to be but can’t quite seem to figure out. 

“It doesn’t feel like I am. I’m…” She trails off, squeezing her hands into fists. Joe’s fingers get caught in the act, knuckles cracking from the force of her grip. “I’m gonna lose it. Like for real.”

Joe reaches for the lever below his seat to release it. The chair glides all the way back then stops when it reaches the last notch.

“C’mere.” He motions for her to climb over to him. For a moment, Maddie hesitates. 

“What?”

“Come here. Listen to something steady. It will help.” He pats his chest. 

A shiver rolls through Maddie as the cool Fall air seeps in through the car’s old windows. The cracked leather seats under her thighs remind her she didn’t grab her sweatpants. She is still in her soccer uniform instead of weather appropriate clothes. Beside her, Joe is warm and solid, someplace she can collapse into and not have to hold this alone. 

Dejected, she crawls across the console and deposits herself into his lap. It’s awkward at first, knees bumping, thighs catching, but eventually they find the right position to make it work. Maddie’s damp cheek hits Joe’s chest, feet falling back into the passenger seat she just vacated. The backs of her knees knock over her water bottle from practice yesterday. Every part of her touching Joe starts to warm up and relax. Her shoulders soften, tears slow and breathing regulates. He holds her loosely, arms encircling her, but not squeezing her to him, letting her set the pressure. 

“Maybe I should back out of my commitment to Minnesota.” Maddie says after a few moments. Shame pinches her re-opened wounds, thinking about moving closer to someone who doesn’t want her there. Maddie had been going back and forth between Minnesota and Ohio State, where Joe is going, but ultimately choose to close the distance with her dad. “He obviously doesn’t want me near him.”

“If that’s what you actually want, then I would support it.” Joe murmurs, chest rumbling beneath her ear. “But you should be sure before you do anything. You worked hard to get this full ride, bubbles. The last thing you want is to let it go because you’re mad.”

Mad. Yeah. She’s mad.

Not utterly destroyed by the same damn story playing out time after time for 17 years.

Somewhere during Joe’s quiet comfort, Maddie falls asleep, lulled by his steady and warm presence, exhausted from another trip around the cycle too. She dreams there of a different life, a complete family filled with love and kept promises. When Joe nudges her awake again, she’s delirious and sad.

“Hey. We should head back. It’s almost curfew.” 

Maddie nods, almost hungover from the emotional turmoil of the evening. Joe helps Maddie climb back over, one hand steadying on the back of her thigh, while the other protects her head from the dome light. She sighs when she gets back into her seat, putting her socked feet on the dashboard as Joe starts the drive back to school where his car waits. Pulling her phone out of her letter jacket, she sees the worried and frustrated texts from her mom. 

Are you coming out any time soon?

Never mind. Robin said you and Joe took off. Would have been nice to hear that from you before I waited 20 minutes. 

Also, be home by 11.

Madeline, answer me so I know you’re not dead in a ditch.

Maddie begins to type back, I’m not dead in a ditch.

You better be in this house in 12 minutes.

It’s going to be close which means Maddie’s hard night isn’t getting any easier.

“God, I don’t want to go home.” Maddie whines, putting her fingers to her forehead. She massages the tension headache there, brought on by too much vulnerability and not eating after the game. Joe scoffs quietly, shaking his head as if he’s annoyed by her.

“You just spent how long crying about how your dad doesn’t care enough? Now your mom is worried and that’s annoying? Pick a lane, Mads.”

“Two things can be true.” Maddie snips back. “Don’t act like your mom doesn’t drive you up the wall.”

“Yeah, but I also know I’m leaving soon. And when I come back it won’t be the same. Might help for you to figure that out sooner rather than later.” Maddie gasps.

“Why would you say that?!” She looks angrily across the dark car at him. “I can’t handle that shit tonight, Joe.” 

“Well.” He shrugs.

“And by the way, nothing’s going to change with us.” Maddie tells him, stubborn with her words and tone.

Joe says nothing.

He keeps driving back towards school in silence, letting Maddie live in her own world where in 9 months, they’ll both go off to college in different states and nothing, absolutely nothing, will change.

= = = 

January 2016

After 6 months off to college, Maddie finally sees Joe for the first time during winter break freshman year. It’s only then that she realizes maybe some things have changed. College football and heavy weights took Joey Burrow and made him into a man. Thick muscles cover his body, making him stocky and beefy. Maddie can’t stop looking at him across the booth at dinner, which annoys her best friend.

At least that hasn’t changed.

“Would ya stop?” Joe mumbles around the straw he chews on inside their hometown Buffalo Wild Wings. The forty TVs turned to different sporting events cast lights and shadows across their booth on a dead Tuesday night. Maddie recently returned to Athens for winter break after a stuffy Christmas with her dad’s family. Joe is back in town after OSU finished their bowl game the previous weekend. He was waiting in the driveway for her when her mom’s car pulled up.

“You’re like…” Maddie struggles to find the words to describe his transformation. Instead she blows her hands up between their faces with an accented flutter of her lips.

“Swol?” Joe winks, briefly looking up from his phone. A sideways grin shows off his boyishness which makes Maddie roll her eyes. His gaze immediately drops down to his phone so Maddie diverts her attention to the menu. She doesn’t want to try anything new, so she pushes the laminated square away, deciding on boneless BBQ wings and a side of fries. 

“So.” Maddie says to Joe who keeps typing on his phone. “Who are you texting?”

“No one.” He says once she asks, clicking the phone shut again and glancing at the menu. “I’m starving. What are you getting?” Before Maddie can, Joe answers, “boneless BBQ wings with fries and a side of ranch please.” His voice gets squeaky, mimicking the higher tone of her voice.

“If it ain’t broke.” She shrugs. 

“Mhm.” Joe answers, tapping his fingers on the table as he looks over his options. 

When the waiter comes, Joe orders twice as much food as her and they both ask for refills of their Sierra Mists. 

“So tell me everything.” Joe leans back in the booth, bringing both of his feet up on either side of Maddie, locking her legs in place.

“Can you not?”

“My legs are cramping from squatting earlier. I need them up.”

“Your shoes are wet. Stop being a slob.” Maddie slaps his ankle. Joe begrudgingly puts them back down. His elbows hit the table top and he cups his cheeks in both hands, staring at her.

“I heard something from Jaylen.” He wiggles his eyebrows at her, speaking of their mutual, childhood friend.

“Okay.”

“About you having a guy.” 

“Yeah. There’s a guy.” Maddie answers, blushing a tad. Joe smirks at her response, popping an eyebrow.

“Do I get to meet him?”

“No. You’ll tell him all my worst secrets and he’ll run.” 

“Oh. So you actually like this one?” Joe quirks, keeping things light even as he shifts so he is crossing his arms over his chest. Maddie studies his blue eyes, seeing a slight change in the coloring there. It’s less of a reaction than when she dated Tyler, who was a rival quarterback, through junior year. Progress.

“I do like Brent.” 

“Brent?” Joe’s eyes widen and his lips curl with disgust. “That’s barely better than some dude named Chad.” Maddie glares at him, knocking her foot into his shin. “Ow.”

“He isn’t a Chad.” Maddie insists. “He’s smart, going to school for finance and he plays hockey.”

“Yeah. He’s a douchebag.” Joe declares, eyes rolling in exasperation. “Hockey? Yuck. All the hockey players at OSU are tools.”

“That’s probably why your team sucks.” Maddie snaps back. “And I’m happy. Content even. So be happy for me.” This softens Joe. He exhales, big shoulders dropping as he slumps down in the booth more.

“That’s good, bubbles. I’m glad.” Joe responds, mostly genuine. “He better treat you right though. Got some guns here that can take care of him if he doesn’t.” He poses with his biceps curled up showing off the muscle tone. Maddie snorts, wrinkling her nose. 

“Don’t.” 

Joe anxiously rubs a hand over his face and hair, not meeting her gaze anymore, instead opting for the NBA game playing on the TV over her head. 

“What about you?” Maddie asks.

“I’m a love ‘em for a night kinda guy right now.” 

“Getting a lot of ass as the back up quarterback?”

“Actually, yeah.” Joe grins, cocky and clearly proud to tell her so. Maddie’s stomach twists and she glowers.

“That’s so gross, Joe. You need to act right.” 

“Why do you care? They’re fine with it. I’m fine with it. It’s part of college. Just because you want boring, monogamous sex doesn’t mean the rest of us do.”

“It’s not boring!” She snaps immediately. Joe simply looks at her. “He plays hockey. He knows what he is doing.”

“Bare minimum.” Joe points out. 

“Okay. Pivoting. Why is Jaylen talking to you about my business?” Maddie wonders, tilting her head.

“The boys were together earlier. He mentioned it because I said we were meeting up for dinner.” 

“He needs to understand that because he is dating Avery, he is privy to information the rest of the group doesn’t need to know.”

“Okay, so what? I’m the only one who doesn’t need to know?” Joe rolls his eyes. “Because Ave knew. Sierra definitely knew. Drew and Jaylen knew as well. So I’m the only one in the dark here.”

“How did Drew know?” Maddie asks, sneering in disgust. He’s still such a little weasel.

“You drunk Snapped him.”

“Oh.” She frowns. “I don’t remember that.” But it certainly sounds like something she would do after a night at the hockey house.

“So why you keeping your boyfriend a secret from me, bubbles?” Joe drawls slightly, leaning back in the booth again. His arms cross over his chest, making him look twice as big and… different. 

“I’m not.” Maddie frowns deeper, eyebrows furrowing. “I was planning on telling you tonight. I wasn’t sure this was going to turn into anything. Now it’s something.” 

“Something.” Joe rolls his eyes again, but attempts to hide it by dragging his attention back to the TV. The tightness in his jaw has Maddie rocking her cup across the table in front of her. Joe is being more confrontational than she expected. She pauses when a realization floats to the surface.

“Wait. Are you mad?” Maddie asks, surprised. He gets annoyed with her from time to time, sure, but never mad.

“No.” Joe responds immediately. “No. I just.” He tugs at his ear lobe then traces his jaw with his thumb. “You’re important to me. And I miss you. That’s it. If you’re happy, I’m happy.”

“Joey.” Maddie sighs, reaching for his hand. He doesn’t take the offering. 

“I don’t want us to change.” Joe states bluntly. “You said we weren’t doing that, remember?”

“Nothing has changed.”

“Maddie.” Joe scoffs. His sarcastic look slowly melts off his face into something looking more like despondence before he wipes his face clean of any expression at all. “You’re so far away now.” He says it factually.

This is a weird admission for Joe, so blunt and honest, and Maddie locks in immediately.

“Is everything okay?”

“Yeah. Everything is fine.” Joe repeats dutifully.

Their meals comes, halting any response from Maddie. Joe immediately starts shoveling food into his mouth, eyes floating back to the Cavaliers game and completely away from Maddie. It’s the first time Maddie hasn’t known exactly what to say to him. Usually tough conversations come easy to them. But distance and new dynamics have shifted their friendship in a way Maddie wasn’t anticipating. Joe either.

Nothing has changed, she repeats to herself this time. 

But now, the words sound as insincere as ever.

The buzzing didn’t let up and as he rolled over to fumble for his phone, his foot brushed her leg. Even that small contact felt right.

It was a FaceTime call from his mom. It stopped ringing, the lock screen melting back to show three missed call notifications from her.

Just as he moved to put it back on the table, it began to ring again.

Flopping onto his back, his eyes squinted against the bright morning light as he answered the call. They’d forgotten to close his blinds.

“What's wrong?” he asked quietly.

“Timo?” his mom asked, “did I wake you?”

“Is everything okay? You called three times.”

Lauren, who had been fighting the call to wake, rolled onto her back.

Robbed of the sexy, sleepy wake up he'd been imagining for so long, Timo felt a flair of annoyance at his mother.

Soon, he consoled himself. It would happen sometime soon. This wouldn’t be their last night together. The truth of that statement leaped excitedly in his stomach.

“I’m calling to see how things went last night.”

Lauren flipped her hair up and over the pillow and some of it spilled into frame, the auburn color a bright contrast against his navy sheets.

“Ay!" his mom yelled so loud he winced, “is she there? Did she spend the night?”

Turning his head to look at her, Timo was rendered momentarily speechless. Even with puffy morning eyes and the bruise on her cheek, now nearly faded, she was still so beautiful.

“Who is that?” Lauren whispered when he failed to explain.

He crashed back into his own head and remembered what was happening. He needed to get off the phone. “My mom,” he whispered.

Her eyes widened and she scrambled back to guarantee she wasn't in frame. “Your mom?” she hissed.

“She called three times, I thought maybe it was an emergency.”

“And is it?”

“Timo! Timo!” His mom’s voice was a harsh whisper as if she were trying to stamp it down, but couldn’t quite manage it.

“Mama,” he interrupted. “Mama, I need to go.”

“Can I talk to her?”

“Mama, she just woke up,” he said in English, wanting to clue Lauren into the fact that they were, indeed, talking about her, that he was trying to save her.

“I just want to talk,” she said in English this time. “I want to tell her how excited we are.”

Timo glanced over at Lauren to find her cheeks tinged pink. She was huddled in the top corner of his bed, blanket pulled up to her chin, which he thought was funny. She was wearing one of his shirts. It wasn’t like his mom would see anything. It wasn’t like he would let her.

“Mama, I have to go. We just woke up.”

“Okay,” she sighed. “You'll call me later?"

He promised he would, they said goodbye and he hung up the phone.

“I'm sorry,” he said. “I wouldn’t have answered, but she called three times. I thought maybe something was wrong.”

The attentiveness tucked into the corners of that statement made Lauren’s heart flutter. “It’s okay,” she said, her shoulders relaxing. “She seems…” Lauren trailed off. She actually didn’t know how his mother seemed. Most of their conversation had been in Swiss and she had only understood a few words. What she heard in English sounded sweet and eagerly genuine.

“She's really excited to get to know you,” Timo said, sliding the phone back onto the bedside table.

“Oh,” Lauren said.

As her posture softened even more, the comforter slipped down, revealing the red 28 on her shoulder. Timo’s heartbeat picked up, thudding in his ears. She was here. Not only that, she was in his clothes. She was in his bed. He wanted to live in this moment — this feeling of having finally found her — forever.

Want stirred in his belly and without giving it much thought, he reached for her.

She came willingly, sliding beside him with ease. The borrowed shirt, caught against the sheets and stopped by his hands on her waist, gathered around her middle.

Intuition guided his next actions, scooting close enough to feel her body heat and brush his nose over her cheek.

Their lips grazed. Thoughts of unbrushed teeth and morning breath fled from her mind, replaced by a small thrill in her stomach and a feeling of peace like she'd never known.

Met with no resistance, Timo kissed her, his hands crawling under the folds of his shirt until they could slide up her bare back.

Lauren fully expected the shirt to be stripped off. Instead, Timo’s fingertips curled into her flesh, pulling her the slightest bit closer. Their bare stomachs pressed together, gentle sparks igniting between them.

As her hands slid up his chest, pushing gently until he rolled onto his back, a small noise escaped his mouth, sounding something like a hum of pleasure mixed with a whine of longing.

Despite chasing her mouth when she pulled away, their lips still parted achingly slowly.

As she looked down at him, her hair falling around them, tickling his skin, a phrase he’d daydreamed of saying to her rose to his lips like second nature. No wonder he used to think about them all the time. They were true, and he was meant to tell her. “Du hesch mi verzaubert.”

Her brows pulled together, the sweetest look of confusion in her eyes.

Pushing up on one elbow, he lifted his lips to her ear and translated, “You have enchanted me.”

It was something he always wanted to feel about her, something he always wanted to be able to say. Having it come true was another testament of just how meant to be they were.

“Oh,” she breathed.

Staring down into his face, Lauren’s mind raced, desperately searching for the perfect response. How could she possibly respond to ‘you have enchanted me?’ Did she say thank you? That seemed supremely lame.

Her first thought was to say, ‘I love you,’ but that was insane. Sure, they were soulmates, but they'd only just met the day before. She couldn’t go declaring her love for him, no matter how much she felt it.

But she needed to say something.

She was enchanted, too, she thought as her eyes caught on the soft smile tugging at the corners of his mouth, on the perfect bow of his bottom lip. Suddenly, without much thinking it over, her mind was made. Instead of words, she would respond with actions. That was romantic, right?

Flipping her hair to one side, she gathered it together before taking his face in her hands and leaning down to kiss him. She started with a peck to the lips before moving on to his cheeks, now appled by a full smile. She kissed each eyelid, each temple and his forehead.

A giggle fluttered in Timo’s throat, threatening to escape. It's not that he found it funny, quite the opposite, but he never imagined anyone doing this to him, never imagined being the recipient of soft, loving kisses all over his face. Not since he was a boy, at least. Hockey, where he was so used to being the tank: a big body that defended and enforced, took up so much of his life that receiving tenderness like this felt foreign. It was a nice change of pace to feel so cared for.

Pressing a soft kiss to the tip of his nose, she finally went back to his mouth.

As lips and then tongues caressed, he couldn't hold back the moan that reverberated in his chest. God, she was so perfect.

His hand, warm and heavy, slid around her rib cage to cup her breast. He didn’t squeeze or fondle, seemingly content to just hold her

She made a soft sound and her hips ground down against his. He responded in kind, hips rolling, matching her rhythm.

Pleasure sparked through her and she chased it — pressing a little closer, seeking more of those grunted, almost wounded noises he let out as they made love the night before.

It shouldn’t have surprised him, how good they were together, but it did. He knew how soulmated couples worked, how they were perfect for each other in every way. Hell, his parents often had sex at least once a day. Even now that he was an adult, it was commonplace to hear their bed squeaking in the morning.

Having it happen to him, though, made this whole thing feel real. Before he met her, Lauren felt like a kind of dream he might be able to catch if he tried hard enough. He knew she was there, but he’d been so long without her that it felt like she might be a figment of his imagination, despite the bruises on his shins.

He’d been with his fair share of women and none of them slotted into his life this easily. None of them kissed at his same pace from the get go. None of them seemed to enjoy the build up to making love, taking the time to tease and savor like Lauren was.

This slow morning was showing him that this —the effortless flow between them: feeling her rock and roll against his hard cock as their mouths met and parted — was what he had been waiting for all along.

Anticipation was shivering over his skin and he couldn’t get enough.

His phone went off again, buzzing insistently on the bedside table.

The reality of morning slapped Lauren in the face and she tore herself away.

“What?” he gasped, startled by her sudden movement.

“My cats.”

“Cats?” he repeated, confused.

“I didn't leave any food out for them.”

“Oh,” he breathed, collapsing back against the pillows.

Something they talked about as they were leaving the arena the night before came back to him. “Wait, so you didn't drive because you thought we'd leave together, but you didn't plan for your cats?”

It struck him as unlike her somehow. She didn’t seem the type to leave plans only half thought out.

“I kind of thought we'd end up at my place,” she admitted, feeling her cheeks flush.

“Why didn't you ask? I could have picked something up or,” his heart ached just to say it, “taken you home.”

“I was a little distracted,” she said, expression gone soft as she brushed her thumb over his cheekbone. When she’d left the night before, she hadn’t even considered that sleeping at his house might be an option. As soon as they’d met, she’d forgotten all about her plans, wanting only to spend as much time with him as she could.

Just like that, he felt his insides turn gooey.

Even though the thought of leaving the bed, of driving her home before they had the chance to fulfill the promise she’d been teasing and building up to, made him want to cry, he still offered, “do I need to take you home?”

Biting her lip, Lauren glanced around for a clock. “What time is it?”

Keeping one hand on her hip, Timo reached for his phone. He couldn’t reach it without dislodging her. “Can you?” he asked, straining.

She plucked the device from the beside table and set it in his palm. Glancing at the table on her side of the bed, she wondered where her own phone was. Probably in the kitchen, she decided. Likely, she left it in there when they first started kissing. Maybe it was still tucked into her bag on his couch.

“Seven fifteen,” he said.

“Wow, your mom’s an early bird,” she mused. It was much too early to be awake on a Sunday, especially when they’d been up until two making out and making love.

“She’s in Switzerland,” he explained, setting the phone on the bed. “It’s the afternoon there.”

Gazing down at him, her expression turned soft and caring. “You’re so far away from your family,” she said, tracing her fingers through his hair. “I bet you miss them a lot.”

“I do,” he agreed, reaching up to cup her jaw, “but I’ve got you now.”

People always talked about meeting someone and instantly feeling like they’d known them for their whole lives. It had even happened a few times before Lauren. Nico was one of those people. He and Timo understood each other in a comfortable, natural way. Now he understood that feeling of knowing someone had been incomplete when he’d felt it before.

Meeting Lauren felt simultaneously like meeting someone new and finding a piece of himself he hadn’t known was missing. He didn’t know her, not really. He didn’t know her favorite color, or her best friend, or where she worked, or how she spent her free time, but he felt like he knew the parts of her that went beyond that. Her soul, maybe? It was cheesy, but it was true. There was an inherent comfort in her presence that he’d never felt with another person.

The smile that lifted the corners of her mouth somehow told him she was thinking the same thing — how improbable a soulmate was and how glad she was to finally find hers.

Leaning down to kiss him, her hips began to rock again.

“Do I…” his words fell away as her mouth drifted to his neck. Fuck, how was he supposed to make sure she was okay when she was kissing and rocking against him like that?

“Do you?” she asked, lips brushing the shell of his ear.

“Do I need to take you home?”

She pulled back then, studying him intently. “Do you want me to go home?” she asked, contrasting the question with a rock of her hips. Minx.

“Fuck no,” he groaned. “But you said…” her hands slid down his chest, dangerously close to the waistband of his boxers, “your cats?”

The sweetness of his remembrance and his determination to make sure she was taken care of, despite the raging erection pressing insistently between her thighs, made her giddy. Timo Meier was unlike any other man she’d ever known. And he was all hers. The reality of it was the most intoxicating thing she’d ever experienced.

Timo felt his skin light up as she leaned closer.

“They’ll be okay for a little while longer.”

Her lips grazed his before she claimed his mouth in a kiss full of promise.

Thank god.

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Liv scans over the words again in her parked car. Deep in the innards of her apartment building, embarrassed tears sting her eyes. The words came in an email from her editor. Two weeks ago, she submitted the first quarter of her book and the outline for the remaining pages. It was not well received by anyone on her support team. Their recommendation? Start from scratch. As if Liv hadn’t spent over 200 hours curating the pages she sent in for review.

Deflated doesn’t even begin to describe how she feels. 

Liv received the feedback in the Whole Foods parking lot. She had been gathered groceries and was getting off the phone with Luca as the email came zipping into her inbox. Luca had to run to a flight for the start of his East Coast road trip. It is still six days before he comes to New York to round out his road trip with both teams. Those six days are going to crawl by. Liv is in desperate need of his comforting arms, to feel his heartbeat beneath her cheek so she can forget the failure clutching at her throat.

She feels numb and distraught all at the same time while she rides the elevator up to her floor. The doors open. Liv pauses in the steel doorway, seeing Ryder Hughes slumped against her front door. His back is against it, head resting back toward the ceiling. One leg is curled into a bend with his wrist hanging off his knee. The other leg stretches across the hallway, almost consuming the whole width of the space. 

Liv has not seen Ryder since their almost kiss in this very hallway three days ago. She has been avoiding him. He knows it, so does she. But now he is here and somehow, Liv is expected to have this interaction when she just got dealt the biggest blow of her short writer’s career. 

Ryder hears the ruffle of her bags and turns his face towards her. He pops up immediately, jogging down to grab her bags. 

“I can..” Liv stops because Ryder has already taken all of them from her. “Okay.” She adjusts her keys in her hand, shoving them into the lock and opening her apartment door. Ryder follows behind, then goes to the kitchen to put her bags down. He immediately begins unloading them for her. “Ry.” 

“If I’m being helpful, you can’t kick me out.” He jokes, grinning as he pulls out some Liquid IV. Liv stands in the living room, looking back at him with cautious eyes. “I’m sorry. I was really out of line on Saturday. I can’t even use the alcohol excuse either.” Ryder pauses with a big grapefruit in his hand. He studies her with intense blue eyes. “Are you okay?” 

As is standard anytime someone asks her that, Liv immediately begins to cry. Because no. Nothing about what she is feeling in her body is okay. Her slender fingers come to her eyes. She presses into her black eyelashes to gather her tears, shoulders quivering with her impending sobs. 

“Livy.” Ryder murmurs. His arms wrap around her whole body, hands resting on her back ribs. He pauses, feeling her shake harder. His hands rub up her back. Then he presses his nose into the strands of her brown hair. Liv sighs heavily, which pushes her deeper into his body. She moves her hands from her face, winding them around his back to fully accept his hug.

They stay like that for several minutes. Ryder sways them a few times, rocking to soothe her sobs. Eventually, Liv sniffs, pulling back to wipe at her face. 

“Sorry.” She mumbles with downcast eyes.

“Hey, no need to apologize.” He assures her. His hands slide down to her hips, waiting as she collects herself more. She wipes under her nose with her palm. 

“I’m not having a good day.”

“I’ve gathered.” He responds supportively. “Tell me what’s going on.” Liv sighs, sniffling again. Slowly, she moves her eyes up to his face. His concern is evident, eyebrows pulled low over blue eyes and creases are forming in the corners of his frown.

“I suck at writing.” Surprise fills his face.

“News to me?”

“I do.” Liv slumps her shoulders down, looking away. Ryder squeezes her hips to keep her in place. “I sent in what I have for my second book and they roasted it. They think I should scrap it and start over!” Her voice escalates the longer she talks. “I’ve worked so hard on this, Ry. For them to think it sucks kills me.”

“So tell them you’re not doing that.”

“What?”

“Tell them you’re not scraping it. That you believe in the direction of your work and you’re going to see that through.” 

“It isn’t that simple. They have a say in what I produce.”

“Fuck that, Livy. Your first book was all you. That is what your audience wants to read. Your voice. Not 10 people in a boardroom who have a different vision. Write it your way.” Liv tucks her bottom lip into her mouth, rolling her tongue against it.

“I don’t think I am brave enough to do that.”

“You are. You have already proven that. You are already a published author. That is the bravest thing I have ever seen. Creating and letting people consume it. You’ve got big balls.”

“Big balls?” She laughs, shaking her head. 

“Sorry, it was the quickest analogy that came to me.” He reaches up, smoothing her hair down the sides of her face while cupping her damp cheeks. “You are amazing. Your work matters. I’m really proud of you.”

Awareness of everything hits Liv at once. The smell of his cologne goes up her nose like the other night. His warm palms transfer heat into her cheeks. Their faces tilted inwards to each other. Conflict begins to writhe in Liv’s stomach. The push and pull of what she knows and has with Luca and the curiosity of Ryder. His gaze surveys her face, then with a heavy sigh, he steps back from her completely. Liv stays glued in place. Ryder returns to the counter, unpacking more of her groceries.

“Go change.” He says without looking at her. “I’ll keep doing this.” 

Liv nods, even though he doesn’t see, and walks to her bedroom. There, she pulls on loungewear- a plain t-shirt, her dad’s Swiss hockey sweatshirt along with a pair of Lio’s club team sweatpants he wanted to get rid of when they still lived in their home in Switzerland. The comfort of the familiar, worn cotton blankets her skin. She goes to scrub off her makeup, then presses a cool washcloth to her eyes and cheeks to relieve the redness from crying. 

She returns to the living room, finding Ryder watching TV on her couch. He has taken off his shoes and jacket, tossing them by her entryway bench. There are two cups of tea steeping on the coffee table. He greets her with a small smile. Liv goes to the other side of the couch, curling her feet up next to her butt. The movie on the screen is Barbie starring Margot Robbie. Liv smiles.

“Thought this would inspire you a bit.” He shrugs. He is right, it does. So much so that she decides she isn’t going to tell anyone else about the feedback. Because they’re wrong about what they said. Ryder is right- this is hers. She can create whatever she wants because she has already done this before. This is her creation, her baby, hers to flop or soar with. She will use her gift with words to tell her publishing team to shove it. 

The sunsets over the city. Barbie ends and they ordering big bowls of pasta to share for dinner along with tiramisu and garlic bread. They decide to watch another movie once they are finished eating. Ryder picks this time, some Netflix original that is supposed to be a thrilling and wicked twister.

Partially through the next movie, Ryder’s hand moves over to Liv’s foot. His thumb works deep presses into the arch of her foot then into the big pads below her toes. Finally, Liv surrenders both feet into his lap. He works them over until she is asleep next to him. Ryder finishes the movie, then clicks the TV off. Darkness absorbs Liv’s apartment. The moonlight splices across her cheek, nose, and slightly open mouth. She looks at peace for the first time since he saw her in the hallway. 

Gently, Ryder gathers her into his arms. She curls into him in her sleep, gripping his shirt and nuzzling her cheek into his shoulder. He puts Liv in the center of her unmade bed, another clue at how tumultuous she has been the last few days. She always makes her bed. Liv slides her feet under the covers. Ryder grabs the edge of the comforter, concealing Liv beneath it. Her hand reaches out for his wrist as he rubs her head goodnight.

“Stay.” She murmurs groggily. Ryder hesitates. The room gets so quiet that Liv wonders if he snuck out and she missed it in her sleepy haze. Her blue eyes open, seeing Ryder standing next to her bed, frozen with indecision. 

“Are you sure?”

“Mhm.” She sighs, flipping open the other side of the comforter. Ryder cautiously walks over to her dresser. He grabs a pair of sweatpants of hers that he knows he fits into because they used to be her brother’s. He changes fast, then maneuvers under the covers. Liv stays curled on her right side, but reaches her hand back. Ryder laces their fingers together. Quickly, Liv’s hand goes limp in his signaling she is asleep. 

Ryder is up for hours, watching and listening to her breathe next to him. He is just falling asleep when Liv rolls over in her slumber. She finds the warmth of his side, curling into him and sighing. Her hand comes to his stomach, anchoring there with a light grip, right above his belly button. 

He looks over at her. Dark brown hair splays across her pillow. Her breathing is light, lips perfectly plumped, and he becomes aware of exactly how fucked he is.

Because he is in love with Luca Fiala’s girlfriend.

And there is no way in hell she loves him back.

- - - 

The following morning, Ryder and Liv awaken around the same time because of trucks honking outside her bedroom window. Liv opens one eye first, taking in the sleepy hockey player as he wiggles himself awake. 

“Mmm, hi.” He mumbles, putting his nose on her bicep and sighing. “Don’t wanna get up.”

“Yeah.” Liv sighs, putting a lazy hand in his hair. For the next half hour, they doze in and out of sleep together, staying in the same position. Their legs are resting by each other. Their warm skin collects pink from each other’s body heat. Then, the reality of needing to join the world settles over them with Ryder’s daily practice alarm. 

“I gotta get moving.” He mutters, resentful of having to leave her bed. 

“Me too. I have class.” Liv yawns loudly, then rolls to her back, separating them completely.

She reaches for her phone, seeing a handful of texts from Luca. She glances at Ryder as he stretches at the side of the bed. His sweatshirt rides up considerably, showcasing his muscular body in the soft morning sun. A happy trail of dark hair disappears beneath the waistband of his clothes. Liv’s eyes drift down, seeing the maroon and gold M on his left thigh. 

Liv freezes, realizing he is wearing her boyfriend’s pants. Betrayal chokes her throat. What is she doing? This is so inappropriate. Everything about last night was inappropriate. God, she yelled at Luca for having another girl in his bed while he slept on the couch. She invited Ryder to sleep with her last night. Panicked, she slowly sits up, pulling out the rest of her disheveled ponytail. 

“Want to meet up for lunch on campus? I still dream about that Italian deli you took me to.”

“I can’t.” She says, keeping her back to him. She works her hair back into a fresh pony tail, raking her fingers through the ends for a quick brush.

“Oh okay.” He clears his throat. “Maybe later in the week.” 

“Luca is coming into town.” Liv stands, pulling her sweatshirt down so it covers her body completely. She folds her arms over her chest. 

“Yeah, I know. He is coming to play me.” He chuckles. “But that’s not for a few days.”

“Well, I have to get things done before he gets here so I can spend time with him.” A twitch flickers close to the hinge of his jaw. Ryder sighs, running a frustrated hand over his face.

“What is happening right now?” She shrugs back at him. Ryder’s hand falls, slapping the gold outlined M on his thigh.

“Can you take those off please.” Ryder looks down, seeing the same logo. In the morning light, it is clear these were not the pants he thought he grabbed. He thrust the waistband down, then strides to where his jeans are still pooled on the ground. He wrestles them up his thighs and his belt closed. 

“Liv, nothing happened last night.”

“It doesn’t feel that way to me.” She holds her throat, looking terrified back at him. 

“You invited me into bed.” He says slowly, resenting the way she looks at him. Like he crossed a line. 

“That was a mistake.” 

“We’ve been making a lot of mistakes lately…” He rambles off, putting his phone in his pocket. 

“This has to stop.” Liv practically begs.

“I don’t want it to.”

“Ry, please.” Liv closes her eyes, inhaling heavily as her nostrils flare from distress. 

“Livy, I’m in lo-”

“Stop!” Liv yells. Her heavy, terrified panting fills the room. “Don’t say it. You will ruin this.”

“It already is ruined. Because I love you.” 

Liv goes rigid except her quivering bottom lip. Because I love you, because I love you, because I love you. It plays in a loop over and over again, drowning out the city noise below, running through her brain like the ticker in Times Square.

“I wish you didn’t.” She hisses through gnashed teeth. 

“Me too.” He confesses, then walks out of her room. 

In his wake, he leaves Liv and her entire world lopsided.

- - - 

The ticking of the light blue clock on Liv’s desk fills the living room. Liv has been trying to work on her paper for two hours now, but her thoughts keep drifting to Ryder and earlier this morning. Guilt scratches and mars at her consciousness until it becomes impossible to make progress on her school work. For the fifth time in an hour, she tosses her pen from where she was trying to handwrite her outline. She looks over at her phone, seeing it light up with another text from Ryder. She swipes across his name, muting his notifications for the day. 

She doesn’t want to talk to him.

She needs to talk to Luca, but he is at morning skate in Buffalo. 

Worst case, she will tell him before his game against the Islanders. Liv knows this is less than ideal timing, but she owes him an explanation. From her, not anyone else. 

She opens her phone, texting Luca again to call her as soon as he can. 

Liv waits for his call the entire day, altering her plans with her brother to make sure she is home and ready for the difficult conversation they are going to have. But Luca’s never arrives. Not after practice, or after his pre-game nap, and now she watches him on the screen in Buffalo, again without a care in the world. 

How does he keep doing this with her? How does she line up last to everything in his world when he rules hers?

In frustration, she flips the game off after the second period. The Wild are down by one, but her mood is not in it for the night. Instead, she takes a self-care shower, smearing on her skin care, snuggling into bed to read her book, before tossing her phone on sleep mode.

He won’t call anyway, she lies to herself. 

The next morning, she has a handful of text messages from him and about thirty from Ryder.

Hi baby, I’m so sorry I didn’t call yesterday. Things have been crazy. I’ll tell you about it when I see you. I love you! Goodnight 😘

I wish you were here, baby, I can’t sleep without you. I’m having withdrawals. 

Heads up, I am on Amazon passing the time. Can’t sleep. Pray for my credit card. But, I needed a new screen protector for my phone. I ordered one to be delivered to your place tomorrow morning. Can you bring it with you to the game? Thank you! I hope this doesn’t wake you up 🙈

This furrows her eyebrows. Why wouldn’t she bring it to him tonight? When she sees him for dinner?

Good morning 🥱 Yes, I’ll grab the screen protector for you. But I thought I was seeing you tonight? 

Luca calls her immediately. She stretches, then clicks the button, murmuring a sleepy hello.

“Baby, I have bad news. Please don’t kill me.” 

“What?”

“I am not going to make dinner tonight. Mandatory team building. We are going to dinner and a concert at MSG. But maybe we can get coffee tomorrow morning?”

“I have classes.”

“Well, could you skip them?”

“No, Luca. I can’t. I have a group presentation and a test in the next class. Also, I don’t appreciate you asking me that. I don’t tell you to skip morning skate when I’m in town because I understand hockey is your job.”

“Whoa, okay. I was just asking.”

“Well, don’t. What I am doing is just as important as what you’re doing.”

“Baby, I never said it wasn’t.” He says defensively. 

“You literally…” Liv trails off, running an annoyed hand through her hair. “Whatever. It doesn’t matter.”

“I’m sorry.” He tries. “I didn’t mean it like that. I just miss you.” Misses her but won’t make time for her when they’re in the same city. It’s hard to swallow that right now, even as she tries to understand that there are some obligations he cannot miss. 

“I know.” She fills in. 

“This is shit timing, but we are about to get to the rink for practice.”

“You’re skating in the morning of a back to back?”

“Yeah. Did you watch last night?”

“Um, I fell asleep.” She admits sheepishly. 

“That’s okay. We did too.” He jokes. “It was bad and this punishment is well deserved. I gotta go, babe.”

“Hey, wait, I need to.. uh… talk to you about something.” She says, picking at a snag in the comforter with her blue nail. 

“Okay, can we talk after the game?” Liv hesitates. 

Future her would smack her in the face if she could. But present Liv doesn’t see the issue. 

So she agrees.

“Yes, that’s fine.”

“Okay, I love you baby.” He murmurs sweetly.

“I love you too.” She responds, having no idea what the next 48 hours will bring.