ladydeer in the headlights

I’m ready. To call off your ghost. 

It was the first time I could tangibly feel and see that I taught you something. That quiet little clap echoed loudly in my heart. It felt like a little round of applause for all the effort I put into being your mama. Thank you, sweet baby girl, for allowing me to be your mom and teach you many, many more things to come.  

I looked at her and realized she was becoming less of me. Every inch of my being seemed to sag in sadness. For so long we shared everything, even after she left my body I was still nourishing her with every piece of me. My blood and flesh her only survival. We thrived together this way. Symbiotic. And then slowly she started to develop likes and dislikes that were hers alone - not a reflection of mine. A will stronger than one I’ve ever owned took residence in her tiny body. In a hurry, she decided to DO things, and do them on her own. In astonishment, I watched as she took her first steps at eight months old. My heart ached with a pure happiness that was also the epitome of grief. Another step away from belonging to my body. Yet the ferociousness of motherhood will always course through my veins and I will forever feel her in my every nook and cranny. 

“And I sleep with both eyes open  Standing up, alone and holding off the rust I’m still living by my maiden name The name I came with The name I made And I’m barefaced at your masquerade Filled a flask up before I came”

FKA twigs is cray. This video disturbs me. I’m kinda obsessed with her though. 

#streetart #santamonica @thedaysgoneby

Gull Pond #americana #cape cod

Whenever something I write gets published (with my name on it) I get really embarrassed about it. Back when I was blogging a lot at www.acoupleabroad.com, I would freak out any time a post went live and just want to run and hide. It took me a long time to even start putting links to my posts on Facebook. It's silly too because my writing is published all the time through my job, but it usually doesn't have my name on it, which feels nice and safe. Lately I've begun submitting a few little things I've written over the years to various online publications. This one recently was published. If it gets 2k views, they'll feature it on their home page. But I'm too chicken shit to share it on FB, so I'll share it here where like two people will see this if I'm lucky. 

New obsession. 

I wish I wrote that. 

Bliss.