What the actual fuck is this?
I am fighting with myself about what I feel and how I feel and why.
I'm sick of being sick and of my body not doing what I want or need it to do. I feel helpless and frustrated. Hubby tries his best but his slap dash methods are different from mine and I'm in my feelings about it.
I'm jealous of his work partner. There. I said it. Admitting it is half of healing. I've heard him refer to me as his partner and her as his wife. He makes excuses and creates opportunities to see her outside of work. He gets physically sick when she isn't around. He gets in a bad mood when she hasn't texted. Living that is hurtful and exhausting and now it has entered my dreams.
I feel trapped in this existence of being blatantly told, without words, that I'm inadequate or unwanted. A place I worked to get away from but ended up anyway. I don't think he is being malicious. I think he is seeking love and nurturing from someone he can respect and have pure affection for. With me, it's about feeling up my boobs and pussy, licking and grinding on me. Like a porn casting couch introduction. Nothing else. I'm not an animal lover, who is trying to save the world. I'm so damn busy trying to keep everyone's needs met and run my home.
While I understand that someone else's emotions are their business, I will ask myself if I have a wall up that is emotionally starving my marriage. I know that in order to not lose my mind about the porn and rejecting me, I put my emotions away so that I could continue to exist. In choosing now to protect myself further my avoiding all this as much as possible, am I giving up before trying?
I feel raw and vulnerable right now. I also feel alone and emotionally unsafe. And with how physically sick I am, I have nothing but time to think about my feelings.
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