Lady-Snavely

Olruggio nods, needing no further explanation than that. "Feeling up for some food? Riche was by not too long ago to say that breakfast was ready."

For a long moment you just look at him and wonder again what you did to deserve a man as caring and understanding as him. "That sounds nice."

"I'll be back in a jiffy." He leans down to press the lightest of kisses to your temple before standing.

When Olruggio returns he not only has two plates in hand but you just make out a bag tucked under his arm too. He sits beside you and adjusts your pillows for you when you start to sit up before he places a plate in your lap.

You take a bit but it's slow, like you have stones tied to your wrists weighing them down. Olruggio is watching you carefully, you know he is because that's what he's always done. It's one of the many ways he shows you he cares.

He doesn't say anything when your hands inevitably drop to your lap in defeat and the tears start to fall. Instead he sets his plate aside, takes yours up and ensures you eat until you're full.

"I'm sorry," you tell him when he starts to dry your eyes.

"Don't start that. You know I don't mind." His voice is stern but kind when you start to protest. "No buts."

It was pointless to argue with him so you gave him a small smile - the most you could muster - and point a finger at the bag at his side. "You've finished something."

"Ah, yes, the snugstones! I made up a few for Qifrey and the girls." He pats the bag for emphasis.

"Show me." Even if Olruggio's excitement wasn't contagious, because it was, you felt as excited as he looked after being his test subject for weeks now. You turn a hand over and wiggle your fingers.

Warmth seeps into your waiting palm. "Oooh," you say with a sigh. Your heart swells with pride. "I do believe you've outdone yourself, my love."

"Think so?"

You nod and look at him. "You're a very talented witch, Olruggio."

Olruggio hides his smile against your shoulder. "Why don't you try to get some more sleep," he suggests. "I'll be nearby if you need anything."

The sleep you do get is mediocre at best. Every adjustment, every breath that was a little too deep, every attempt to get even a little bit comfortable was met with pain so deep it may as well have been embedded in your soul. If it wasn't such a constant in your life you'd probably scream - had screamed your frustrations a number of times - but it wasn't worth it.

The guilt was ever present though. You felt like a burden even though you knew you shouldn't. This wasn't something you could help; it was a part of who you are. Still, as you laid there staring at the ceiling, you wondered if Olruggio would be happier with someone else.

As quickly as the thought came though it was gone, banished from your mind with a blink. He'd throw some clever curses your way if he ever caught wind that you even had the thought no matter how fleeting it was.

"You're thinking too hard over there."

You drop your head to the side and see Olruggio looking over his shoulder at you. You almost laugh. "How do you do that?"

"Do what?"

"Know when I'm in my head."

"Come now love, we've been together for how long now? You really think I don't know your 'I'm too much' look or the "I just want to sleep' sigh?"

"Shut up." You do laugh this time, just a breath of one before groaning.

"Wanna know what my favorite look is?" Olruggio shuffles over so he can rest his arms on the edge of the bed and be level with you. He waits for you to nod and when you do he slips his hand under yours on the mattress. "It's the look you give me that makes me feel like I hung the moon just for you."

"You're a sap, Olly."

"Yeah, but you love me."

"I do, so very much."

Days later Olruggio wakes to an empty bed. Under another set of circumstances it may have upset him but it means you're having one of your rare good days and that's more than enough to bring a smile to his face.

He finds you in the main living space with two plates and a shy grin at being caught.

"I was going to surprise you with breakfast in bed," you tell him as he approaches.

"Shouldn't have gone to all the trouble." He kisses your cheek as he takes one of the plates. He wraps an arm around your waist, turning you away from the bedroom. "How do you feel about eating outside instead?"

"I won't say no if that's what you'd prefer." You're already moving towards the door because after days of being confined to your shared bed some fresh air and the sun on your face sounded too nice to pass up.

"What I prefer is to make this day about you and what you'd like to do. For now, why don't you go pick us a spot and I'll grab us a blanket and something to drink, hmm?"

After all this time he still manages to make you blush from the simplest words. "Okay."

You don't go far though so he finds you easily again. Sort of. You're airborne, twisting and spinning and gliding around in your sylph shoes. He lets you have your moment watching you be free from the confines of darkness and linen.

You either don't see him or ignore him when you alight next to where you set your breakfast. He doesn't mind either way because he's still watching you with your body silhouetted against the rising sun and your face turned up to the sky. He's close enough that he can just make out the smile on your face. The first full smile you've worn in some time. A slight breeze pulls at your clothes though not enough to be bothersome.

“Fine! Just fine. I’ve got it. Go back to bed, Qifrey.” You’re smart enough to know he won’t but hope lingers that he will, just this once.

“Did you drop something? I can help-”

“No you can’t.” You bite back and dry your tears with the back of your hand before standing. “The doctor said time would tell how bad it is and the magic’s forbidden.”

“I meant-”

You limp off before he can say more, the only evidence you’d been in the kitchen at all was the towel you left on the ground and the empty cup on the counter.

Olruggio finds you under a tree near the atelier that afternoon with your head buried in your knees and takes a seat next to you. “I snapped at Qifrey earlier,” you admit when he doesn’t speak first.

“He’s not upset about it, if that’s what you’re worried about, love.”

“Of course he’s not.” You raise your head to look over at him. “He’s much too kind for his own good sometimes.”

“Would you like to talk about what happened?” Olruggio murmurs.

“Not really,” you sigh. “But I will.”

You tell him about all of it, missing the cup, spilling the water, burning yourself. He starts inspecting your foot when you let it slip that you hadn’t even bothered to do that much. You tell him about the anger that bubbled up so suddenly and the immediate guilt that followed.

“You just need to find a new normal until your eye gets better,” he tells you when you’ve finished. By now your foot is properly tended to and wrapped. No doubt he already knew you needed it looked at when he came out to find you.

“What if it doesn’t?” You ask as you lay your head in his lap. “Get better I mean. What if it doesn’t? What if the shadows get darker until they’re not just shadows anymore?”

You watch him as he leans back on his hands. His brow pinches with thought. “Then we’ll help you figure out new techniques.”

“You really think I could adapt to a change as drastic as that?”

Olruggio looks down at you with a small smile. “You’re stronger and smarter than you’re giving yourself credit for, love.”

Some things were easier to adapt to than others. Like taking corners wide in the atelier or only going around tables and chairs on the right, both of which you started only after bumping into everything more times than you wanted to admit. It had only taken a few days of accumulated bruises on the right side of your body taunting you in the mirror to make that adjustment. 

You started putting a finger on the lip of your cups as a guide when you pour drinks for yourself. That had been Agott’s suggestion and one you were eternally grateful for.

Everyone starts to adapt with you. It starts slow, with Olruggio showing them rather than telling them how he only approaches you from the left. Your spot at the table changes so when you’re all sat down together you no longer have to turn your head completely in order to see the girls.

You’re all back in Kalhn for supplies a month later. When Qifrey heads off towards Mr. Nolnoa’s shop with the apprentices in tow you grip Olruggio’s hand. “You’re shaking, love,” he notes quickly.

“I’m nervous,” you admit without hesitation. “I want - I need to go back to the hospital. If only to ease my mind since we’re here.”

“I’ll come with you.”

You’re shaking your head before he even finishes the thought. “It’s okay. No sense in delaying your shopping when we can split up and take care of everything at once.”

Olruggio gives you a look that tells you he isn’t convinced. “You haven’t been back here since getting injured. Are you sure you’ll be alright on your own?”

“I have to get used to it somehow,” you shrug. “Trial by fire, right?”

“I’m not so su-”

“Olly,” you take his hand and kiss his knuckles. “Sweetheart, I’ll be okay on my own. Trust me, please.”

“It - it’s not that -” he huffs when he can’t get the words out. His cheeks are flaming. “You do that on purpose.”

“What can I say, you’re exceptionally cute when you blush.” You kiss his cheek before continuing. “I know you trust me, that’s not what I meant. I need to do this on my own though, okay?”

He sighs. “Okay.”

You clutch at your cloak when the same doctor that took care of you before enters the room. She’s a little thing but commanding. “Tell it to me straight. How have things progressed?”

“I’m not sure they have at all,” you tell her honestly. She makes a noise as she examines your eye so you continue. “The shadows are still there. Some days they’re harder to see through than others.”

“How do you mean?”

“I mean that some days, when the apprentices are excited and they come up on that side I don’t see them until they’re right on top of me and others I see them coming.”

“It could take some more time for that to fade.”

“And if they don’t or they get worse?”

She levels a look at you but something, the worry that's so clearly eating at you perhaps, makes her shoulders sag. “Why don’t we go talk outside where it’s less stuffy?” 

Weeks have passed since then and you’re still struggling to land with your Sylph Shoes. The first time you try that afternoon you land so hard your teeth rattle. The next time you stumble around like a foal after letting the spell go too soon. Olruggio catches you about the waist and spins you around playing the mistake off as intentional by leading you straight into a dance.

The ease of it coupled with his quick thinking had turned the embarrassing moment into something fun. Guilt sours your stomach.

“Something’s going on in that head of yours,” Olruggio says as he spins you away from the others.

“I went back to Kalhn again yesterday.” You speak softly as if that’ll ease the blow coming his way.

His gaze flicks to yours. It’s sad but his smile stays in place. “Is it getting worse?”

“It wasn’t supposed to be like this,” you answer around the lump forming in your throat. “It was supposed to heal over time but it’s been months, Olly.”

You’re shaking now, from the fear, the hurt, or the anger you aren’t sure. “I did everything I was supposed to. I followed the doctor’s orders to the letter. So why -” your voice breaks and you cling to him when your knees threaten to buckle “why isn’t it getting better?”

“Girls,” Olruggio clears his throat. “Girls, why don’t you go back inside and see what’s taking Qifrey so long?”

When they’ve gone he gathers you in his arms as if you weigh nothing. Even with your face buried in the crook of his neck you can tell he’s taking you to the same tree where you first voiced your fears to him.

He sets you in his lap, your legs caging his so you have no real choice but to look him in the eye. You know you own him that much at least.

“It was always a possibility, we knew that from the start,” he reminds you.

“That doesn’t make it any easier to swallow, Olly.”

Olruggio doesn’t say anything and for a long moment the only sound around you is your stuttering breaths when you fight to keep the sobs at bay.

“How bad is it?” He finally asks.

“There’s no exact timeframe, but I’ll eventually lose the ability to see out of that eye entirely.”

“Does Qifrey know?”

“No one but you, me, and the doctor.” Olruggio dries your tears as you speak. “I think I’d like to keep it that way for now.”

“Whatever you need, love,” he nods and takes your face between his hands. He looks at you like you didn’t just spill your most soul crushing secret. “We’ll get through this.”

“Are you mad I didn’t tell you sooner?”

“Not mad, no. Never mad. I wish I could have helped carry the burden of the truth with you though.”

You didn’t deserve him or his kindness but you were thankful all the same. Looking at him now you see the crease in his brow and smile. “You’re scheming, my love.”

He stops you with firm hands on your arms. "You need rest."

You shoot him a look over your shoulder. "After I see them."

Olruggio gives you a hard look but nods and gestures for you to lead the way out of the room. You're nearly to the door when you hear the whisper of shifting fabric. Warmth falls over your shoulders. "Olly!" Your laugh dies quickly then you see the look on his face. "What is it?"

He's silent while he fastens the stay on his cloak and adjusts the material to lay just right over your body. "Shouldn't be walking around in nothing but your night clothes." He mumbles after meeting your gaze for a brief second.

Your smile falters but before you can say anything he's turning away. "The girls' room is this way," he says.

A couple of doors down the hall he leads you into a room with two beds along one wall. Your steps quicken when you make out the small bodies occupying the beds. Several minutes pass as you dote over them: tucking blankets and rearranging limbs dangling off the beds.

You stand between the foot of the beds afterwards, head turning back and forth to watch their sleeping forms. Your gaze lingers on Tetia noting the pinch of her brow.

"You're sure they're unharmed?" You ask softly.

Olruggio speaks just as quietly at your side. "They were looked at when we got here and were given clean bills of health. Qifrey too."

“I shouldn’t have tested the spell with them around,” you murmur, voice full of guilt.

“Maybe not,” he allows. “But you also protected them which counts for something, right?”

You look at him fully for the first time since waking. He stands to your left opposite your injury, a gesture that was no doubt intentional. While he always looked tired tonight he looks exceptionally worn, shoulders hunched, dark circles beneath his eyes, hair disheveled, the works.

"When was the last time you slept?"

Olruggio turns to you then and gives you a look over before gesturing towards the door. You follow but not before looking back at the girls one final time as the door is closed. Once you're alone in the hall, Olruggio looks you over again.

His scrutiny draws heat to your cheeks and you pull his cloak around you in an attempt to hide in its warmth. "What's wrong?"

"If you spent half as much time worrying about yourself as you do for others I'd be grateful."

"I'm fine."

"You haven't even asked how bad your injury is."

You pause outside the door to the infirmary room, hand stilling on the handle. With a quick glance up and down the hall you snag his arm and pull him in with you. You stand facing the door for a few beats, hand resting flat against its surface as if it could brace you for the truth you were about to face.

Finally you turn, bottom lip between your teeth and head lowered. Olruggio watches as you draw random shapes on the floor with a bare foot. Sigils he realizes. It was a habit you picked up back when you were apprentices, though you usually doodled with your fingers.

"You're scared."

"Terrified." The correction is quiet, like even speaking that aloud will break you. He sees the tremble in your fingers when you reach for the bandages.

"Don't." He steps forward and reaches for you but you retreat down the wall just as quickly. "Leave them be."

"I can't lose my sight, Olly, being a witch is all I know." The words fall from your lips as they too tremble. There are unshed tears in your eye when you finally look up at him. "If I can't cast-"

"Don't." He says again and this time you let him approach. He pulls you in, folding you within his embrace. "That kind of thinking won't get us anywhere.”

He's right of course but you don't tell him that.

"Let's get you back to bed, shall we?" He's already pulling you across the room. He makes quick work of removing his cloak, discarding it on a nearby chair before he’s urging you back into bed. 

You lay down without argument but snag his hand when he starts to leave. “What’s wrong?” He frowns.

"Would you - could you lay with me until I fall asleep? Please?" He needed sleep as much as you did but asking him to sleep for his own sake was pointless so you play on his desire for helping people.

Olruggio rolls his eyes and grumbles something under his breath but obliges you. "Scoot over."

"Thank you, Olly," you murmur as he settles beside you.

Without a word he draws you close with an arm around your shoulders. You lay with your injured eye exposed to the room but you hardly care when he's taking your hand and holding it against his chest. It's intimate in a way you aren't sure you're ready to admit yet. Not even to yourself.

The morning sun colors the room in a soft orange when Olruggio wakes some time later. You're still curled against his side sleeping soundly. He hadn't meant to fall asleep but he also wasn't able to bring himself to leave once you had drifted off either. So he stayed and let sleep overtake him too.

He thinks back to when you were apprentices and you'd injured yourself with a spell you were struggling with. You'd asked him to stay with you then too. He had, of course, although he'd put up more of a fight when you insisted on him joining you in the bed.

Olruggio smiles faintly as the memory fades and presses his lips to your forehead. He lays there for a few more moments taking it in and is about to begin the slow process of leaving the bed without waking you when you speak.

"Morning, Olly."

"Didn't realize you were awake." He speaks against your hair.

You lean up on your elbow and give him a sleepy smile. "You weren't meant to."

Olruggio meets your gaze waiting for you to explain.

"You let yourself be vulnerable when you think no one is around to witness it."

"I do no-"

“You do, Olruggio.” You lower your gaze to where your hand still rests on his chest. “It’s one of the number of things I love about you.”

“You - you can’t just say things like that!” Olruggio looks away while shielding his face with his free hand but you see how red he is.

“Olly, would you look at me, please?”

He’d never been able to deny you when you ask so nicely and this time was no different, even if he wanted to disappear. He looks back at you and finds you blushing unabashedly in the morning sun. Stunning. Radiant. Beautiful.

Olruggio brings his hand up, knuckles brushing your cheek though he’s careful of the bandages. It slides around the back of your neck and then he’s drawing you in and kissing you. He takes his time like he wants to memorize everything from the breathy sounds you make to the way your hand feels against his jaw.

When the infirmary door bursts open some short moments later you smile at Olruggio before turning in time to catch Tetia as she launches herself at you. The others aren’t far behind throwing questions one after the other in your direction. You give them most of your attention, the rest of it given to Olruggio as he grabs his cloak from the chair he’d thrown it on earlier. He’s doing a poor job of hiding his grin as he motions towards the door. You give a silent nod knowing he’s going off in search of a doctor to come look at you again.

“Your face is red,” Agott notes as soon as Olruggio closes the door.

"Yeah, of course!" Rudo answered without hesitation.

"Perfect, I'm pulling up now."

"Wait - shit, okay. Gimme a sec I gotta grab my shoes!"

"Put 'em on on the way please!" You hung up and dialed Riyo.

"I'm already heading over." She said when she answered. "You've got a key, right?"

"Thank you and yes! I'll be there with Rudo in ten or so. It's Riyo." You shot Rudo the answer to his unspoken question when he slid into your passenger seat.

"What do you want us to do first?" Riyo asked.

You gave them a quick rundown of what you wanted to have done before Enjin showed up with Gris. Fruit cut, sides prepared though some of those were basically done already, tables set up, chairs out, and grill on.

"I'll take care of the tables and chairs," Rudo decided. "You've got table cloths, or no?"

"They're in a bag somewhere." You waved a hand towards your back seat. "Riyo, could I have you start with getting the coolers ready? Gris has two in his garage, I was thinking one each for alcoholic and nonalcoholic drinks?"

"Makes sense, what else? I'm here by the way."

"Follo and Zanka will be there around noon with yard games. Until then I'll need help with food. I can man a grill well enough but I was just gonna let Enjin handle that."

"He just wants to wear that apron again, doesn't he?" Rudo groaned. "He's so embarrassing sometimes."

He was referring to the one you and Riyo had gotten for Enjin as a joke for his promotion a couple years back that said "stand back daddy is cooking" in big bold letters across the chest.

"Tell me that man doesn't give off grill dad vibes." You snorted. "Besides, he'll just hover around the grill so why not let him cook since he'll be there anyway?"

By one almost everything was up and ready. You were finishing cutting up the last of the fruit while the others were out back enjoying the sun and games. As hectic as the morning had been, things were looking great and now Enjin just needed to get back with Gris so the party could truly get underway.

The sound of car doors a few minutes later made your pulse jump. You set the knife down and hurried to the back door, poking your head out long enough to offer a quick heads up to your crew before ducking back inside. Trembling fingers reached for Enjin's apron as the front door opened.

"-can't be serious?" Gris was hardly paying any attention to where you stood not twenty feet away.

"See for yourself." Enjin gestured behind Gris with a lopsided grin.

For a moment Gris only stared at you before he moved through his home and peered into his backyard. His lips parted in silent shock at what you knew was before him. Two folding tables set up with food, the yard games spread out in the grass, coolers full of drinks, and the crew of course.

"Beer's cold," you informed Enjin, holding his apron out towards him, "and the grill is warmed up, if you don't mind."

"Say no more! Great job by the way." He snagged the apron from you before dropping a friendly kiss to the crown of your head. When he passed Gris he clapped him on the shoulder. "Happy birthday, man."

"Is this why you've been dragging me all over town today?"

"If you want to blame anyone for that, look over there." Enjin snickered and pointed back at you before dipping outside.

Gris turned to you, arms raised as if to ask 'what just happened?' "You did all this?"

"Surprise!" You said in a sing-song tone as you barreled into him, hugging him. He caught you easily enough, your smaller frame doing nothing in terms of making him lose his footing. "Happy birthday, Gris."

"You planned all of this?" He asked again.

"Do you have any idea how hard it was to keep this whole thing a secret?" You retorted, leaning back to look up at him. "I nearly slipped up twice over the last couple of weeks."

Gris looked outside again at their friends who were well into their drinks and having a good time. "Why do this?"

"Besides the fact that it's your birthday?" You poked him in the chest to regain his attention. "You deserve to be celebrated, why else?"

The look he gave you said enough as he shook his head. For a moment he hesitated then he brought his hands up to cradle your face. "You're something else, you know that?” He murmured. “You didn't have to go through all this trouble."

"It was no trouble at all," you argued. "Besides, I wanted to do this. Now, if you'd please-" you started shooing him towards the door "-go have fun. I'll be out as soon as I'm finished here."

"Okay, okay," Gris relented. "But if you aren't out in five minutes, I'll come back to get you."

"You'll do no such thing!" You followed him to the door. "Enjin - you keep him out here no matter what, you got that?"

He waved a noncommittal hand over his shoulder that made your eye twitch. "You're hopeless sometimes." You berated him before looking to someone else. "Follo?"

"I'll keep an eye on him."

Soon enough you were outside with the rest of them rotating between yard games, eating, and lazing around in chairs. Taking a break from it all you were slouched in a lawn chair with a cold drink dangling from your fingers. Your face was turned into the sun, basking in its warmth while Zanka and Rudo argued over whose lawn dart was closest to the target.

You lifted your sunglasses just enough to look over at their game then glanced at Enjin. "Gonna put a stop to that, Lieutenant?" You wondered.

"I'm off the clock." He spoke around a cigarette.

That made you smile and you conceded without argument. "Thanks for y-"

"Don't mention it," he cut you a lazy grin. "It was worth it to see the look on his face when he saw all the cars out front."

"Definitely not because you're a good friend or nothin'."

Enjin thought for a moment, taking a long drag of his beer before looking at you. "Finally bucking up the courage to tell him how you feel?"

"We're just friends." Your reply was quick. Too quick.

"Please," Enjin scoffed and reached over to nudge your shoulder. "You've had eyes for the guy since you met him."

"I have not!" You shoved him back. But it was a lie. Sort of. You still couldn't pinpoint exactly when it had started but you knew when you realized it and it wasn't that far back. “Why do you even care so much?”

“Because you both deserve to be happy.” He said it like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

Your gaze strayed to the yard again, this time to where Eishia, Riyo, Follo, and Gris were playing ladder golf. Riyo and Follo were the first to notice your attention and waved, which caused the other two to turn around. It was nearly impossible not to meet their smiles with one of your own as you waved back.

“I am happy, Enjin,” you decided. “Much happier than I thought I would be a year and a half ago.”

It had been weeks since you’d said anything about that day and what happened with your sister but if Enjin was tripped up by the suddenness of it he didn’t let it show. "You should tell him,” he pressed instead. “Quit pussyfooting around your feelings.”

"Ugh," you pulled a face and turned back to him. "Do you have to be so crass?"

"Wouldn't be me if I wasn't."

"Just…mind your business and keep your thoughts to yourself, would you?" You pushed out of your chair, kicking his booted foot before heading off into the yard to inspect the darts Rudo and Zanka were still squabbling over. "Mind if I play the winner? Blue's closer by the way. But only by a hair."

"What?" Rudo balked. "You aren't serious!"

"Third party impartial judge,” you shrugged. "Take it or leave it."

Hours after the party had wrapped up you were still there enjoying the last of the sun's dying light and the quiet stillness that night brought with it. Quiet murmurs came from the house where Gris was walking Enjin out while you tended the fire pit.

It hadn't been your intent to stay so late but time always slipped away when you were with Gris and Enjin. Conversation flowed easily as you reminisced about academy days and seeing your current crew come together to be the well oiled machine it was today. You were immensely proud of the talent both on your shift and within the station as a whole.

When you were satisfied with the fire you straightened, breathing in the scents of the burning wood and citronella. As strange as it was given your line of work it was soothing. Relaxing even. Contained chaos, Corvus had explained once when you asked about it.

"You could have told me you were cold."

Turning you saw that Gris had one of his sweaters in hand as he approached. "How'd you know?"

He gave you a disappointed look while he sat and held out the sweater. "You haven't exactly been subtle when you've moved closer to the fire over the last half hour."

A small smile tugged at the corners of your lips. He wasn't wrong. So you put on the sweater, thanking him.

His fingers toyed with the fabric that pooled at your wrist. "Looks better on you than it does on me," he murmured.

Heat rose to your cheeks when his eyes found yours slowly. "You're just saying that."

Gris took your hand, drawing you nearer to press a chaste kiss to your knuckles. "I don't just say things when it comes to you."

"What-" you were pulled down into his lap with a quick tug that startled a yelp of surprise out of you. You started to protest, to push out of his lap, but a heavy hand landed just above your knee while his other arm wrapped around your back.

Denying how right it felt, how easily you fit against him would be a lie. Still, you couldn't bring yourself to meet his eyes, not with the heat blooming across your face. So you focused on the fire instead and told yourself it needed to be watched anyway.

"Thank you for today." Gris' breath ghosting across the skin of your neck sent a shiver down your spine despite the warmth of his embrace. He was so close you were certain he'd hear your heart beating against its cage.

"You don't have to keep thanking me." You smiled, teeth flashing in the light of the fire. "I was happy to do it."

"You're so stubborn sometimes."

"Am not!" You snorted.

"You're only proving my point."

With a sigh you melted into him, adjusting just enough so you could lay your head against his shoulder. "I'm a little stubborn," you allowed. "But only because I think it's silly that you're so surprised we'd do something like this for you."

He didn't say anything for a long time. You felt him rest his chin on your head while his thumb stroked lazy lines along your side. His heart beat a steady rhythm beneath your palm, much calmer than your own.

A log popped in the fire sending embers drifting.

Birds sang their lullabies overhead.

Your thoughts drifted back to what Enjin said earlier about deserving to be happy. It was true that you were happy. Content was probably a better word but there was no sense hashing out the specifics. There was no point in telling him that you still had moments where memories surfaced and squeezed at your heart. Those would never go away completely. It was something you ensured to discuss with the therapist you still met with somewhat regularly.

“What’s going on in that head of yours?” Gris wondered.

You leaned back to look him in the eye with a pinched brow. “Are you happy?”

Gris blinked at you for a moment before chuckling. “Where’d that come from?”

But your frown only deepened.

“Yeah,” he went on when you didn’t say anything. He brought a hand up to draw some of your hair back so it no longer shadowed your face. “Of course I am. Why?”

“Enjin said something earlier, it’s not important what,” you began slowly. “But it made it sound like maybe you weren’t so I wanted to be sure.”

Gris searched your face. For what you weren’t sure. “Are you happy?”

“I am.”

“Still have rough days?”

“I hope they never stop,” you told him. “They’re a reminder of how much she meant to me.”

Gris smiled but it didn’t reach his eyes. “Is living in the house getting any easier?”

It had taken the better part of three months for you and your parents to go through and clean out her room in the house you had shared. There had been constant tears as you reminisced with them over the course of a week, deciding on what was to be kept and what could go - what held memories worth remembering and what didn’t.

He let you go when you pushed out of his lap and stood to stretch your limbs. “It’s a slow process. If I’m being honest though, sometimes it doesn’t feel worth it. I’ve considered moving a time or two but I’m not really ready for something like that yet.”

“I can understand that.” Gris stood too. “You know you’re always welcome here if you need to get away for a while.”

“Thank you. I should probably head home though before it gets much later.”

Gris snagged your hand, drawing you in and laying a gentle kiss to your cheek.

“Wh - what was that for?”

“You told me I didn’t need to keep thanking you,” he shrugged with a grin that turned up one side of his mouth. “Seemed like a reasonable alternative.”

"Me?" Your voice cracked when you turned to him with wide eyes. "Why me?"

"They've heard a lot about you over the years. Mom already thinks you're wonderful."

Your face heated at the compliment. He only visited his folks a handful of times a year since they lived so far away. It was the same reason you and Enjin hadn't been properly introduced to them yet but the boys had met your family. Enjin was estranged from his own family so he had a permanent invitation to your family events and your parents treated him like the son they never had.

Clearing your throat you nodded. "Remind me, it's what, a six hour drive?"

"Nine." Gris corrected with a grimace. "It's okay if you don't want to, especially on such short notice. We'd be gone for four or five days. Two for travel and two or three to spend time with my family."

You knew you didn't have anything planned for the end of the month already but you'd need to request the time off with Corvus before you could give Gris an answer one way or the other. "Let me figure a couple of things out but I'll call you tonight with an answer, okay?"

"Really?"

His surprise made you laugh as you pulled the plug on the drain. "Yes, really!"

The first chance you got that afternoon you were in Corvus' office making the request for time off. It was an easy request to approve from Corvus' end, you knew it would be. It wasn't often that you took time off, let alone appeared as eager as you did to take this time. You were in and out in about ten minutes with most of that time being spent discussing who on what shift could cover you while you were out.

The rest of your shift was relatively uneventful with only one call coming in for a fall at an old folks home, otherwise you checked and rechecked the equipment in the ambulance and filed out paperwork from the call that day before heading home for the night.

You gave them five minutes after you got home before video calling Riyo and Eishia. "Gris asked me to go with him to see his parents at the end of the month." You told them without preamble.

Riyo's scream of delight was cut off due to her mic peaking just as you knew it would. "Did you say yes?" Eishia asked with a smile.

"Not yet, but I will be tonight probably after I make dinner."

Riyo whooped again and you saw her jumping around before she lunged towards her phone. "Tell us EVERYTHING!"

"Riyo," Eishia chided lightly. "What is there to tell? She's going to visit his parents."

"And spend eighteen hours on the road with him by herself."

"It's not that big a deal," you defended lamely.

"Be so for real right now."

"Okay, I'm freaking out about that." You buried a cheek in a throw pillow. "But I want to go."

Ever the level headed one of the two Eishia laughed. "So go," she encouraged. "It's about time you got out of the city for a few days anyway. Have you talked to Corvus about taking the time off?"

"We talked about coverage too," you confirmed. "He's going to talk to the other shifts and see if anyone is able to cover and if not he's going to call over to 93 and see if we can get coverage from them."

"Will you be telling him how you feel then?" Eishia asked.

"You should." Riyo pushed when you hesitated.

"I might," you hedged. "I don't know. It doesn't feel like this would be the right time." When they gave you a look as if to ask if you thought they were stupid you bit your lip. "I'll think about it."

"That's all I ask, gotta go, bye!" Riyo disconnected before you could say anything.

"I have to get ready for dinner with my family as well," Eishia sighed. "I know it's a couple of weeks out but I do hope you have a great time on your trip."

"Thanks, Eishia," you smiled. "I'll see you tomorrow bright and early."

Your call with Gris was quick. He was thrilled to hear that you'd be joining him for the trip and advised you to pack warm attire for at night. "It gets cold especially this time of the year." He explained and you made the mental note for when you started packing.

Two weeks later you were on the road with the windows down since it was unseasonably warm while you flipped through a CD binder. "I swear you're about the only person left who still listens to CDs regularly," you teased but made a triumphant sound when you found what you were looking for. "I knew you'd have it still!"

Gris chuckled but said nothing as you changed out the CDs and skipped a handful of tracks before leaning back and draping your arm out the window with a satisfied smile. "Are you excited?" You asked as music filled the cab.

"I am. My folks are too - my mom especially. She can't believe I haven't made proper introductions yet. Are you excited?"

"Mostly, but I am a bit nervous."

"What's there to be nervous about?"

"Oh, no, you don't get to pull that when you were shaking in your boots to even ask me to come with you." But you were laughing as you said it. "I don't know what you've told them about me. For all I know you spun some web about me having a big nose or something."

"You're ridiculous! You don't have a big nose. I've told them just about everything there is to tell them. They know we were in the academy together of course, and that we were on the truck together. They know you're on the squad now but they don't know the reason-"

"Why?" You cut in with a frown.

Gris shrugged and glanced at you before returning his attention to the road. "I didn't think it was my place to tell them about that."

"They know about my sister though," you countered gently. "They sent me flowers, remember?"

A sad smile flitted across his face so quick you would have missed it if you weren't already looking at him. You reached over to lay a hand on his shoulder. "I wouldn't have minded if you'd told them but I understand why you didn't. Enough of that though, tell me about them. What was it like growing up in the Rubion house?"

Time flew by between friendly banter, singing along to music and even stretches of comfortable silence and soon the topic of lunch came up. For the sake of time you agreed on something quick and ate on the road instead of sitting down somewhere. You happily assisted prepping Gris' drink and food, passing him things as he requested them.

As some point in the day the windows were rolled up and you swapped seats so you drove for while to let Gris rest, not at all bothered by being behind the wheel. He'd protested but you were able to shut him down easily enough with a counter that if you didn't split the driving duties now you'd drive the whole way home at the end of the trip.

You glanced over maybe twenty minutes later and found him asleep just as you thought you would. He wasn't as secretive as he thought about how tired he was. Not when you caught him yawning aa handful of times and how frequently he was adjusting in his seat. You'd caught him propping his elbow on the door and leaning into his hand several times too.

When you stopped for gas a couple of hours later you woke him gently. If he was upset for sleeping so long he didn't show it but did insist on finishing the trip behind the wheel which you gladly accepted. Your nerves were starting to bubble back up now that you were closer.

Gris pumped gas while you ran inside to grab the two of you some drinks for the last stretch of the trip. He was waiting for you when you bounded up to the truck where he opened your door for you. You shared a smile when your eyes met through the window before he rounded the truck.

As soon as you were on the road again he reached over the center seat and wiggled his fingers until you took his hand. "Much better," he sighed happily after kissing your knuckles.

"What are you most excited about" You wondered, laying your head back. "Is there a meal you only get when you're back home?"

"I do miss mom's cooking but it's simpler than that. I just miss them so I'm looking forward to spending time with them."

"Are they cooking tonight?"

"I think so ," Gris nodded. "Dad thought it would be better to just get a couple of pizzas delivered so we could spend more time relaxing after the drive and hang out but mom insisted on a home cooked meal the first night."

You thought for a moment smiling faintly. "I used to help my mom cook all of the time. Basically until the day I moved out and even now when I visit I'm back in the kitchen with her."

Gris didn't say anything but from the corner of your eye you saw him turn towards you and felt his fingers tighten around yours as if encouraging you to go on.

"That's where I've had all the difficult conversations with her. That was her idea though, said it would be less pressure since we would be focused on the food. She was right of course."

"Mom's usually are, aren't they?"

"Do you think she'll let me help while she's cooking?"

Gris snorted. "Without a doubt! She'd love that."

Soon Gris was pointing out different landmarks and their significance in his life. There was the school he went to, the restaurant his family frequented specifically for birthdays, and across town was a lake where he learned to fish.

"Did you ever wish you lived in town?"

"Yes and no. It would have made hanging out with friends easier but I liked being away from everything too. Saw more stars at night that way."

"You haven't changed," you giggled, recalling a similar comment he'd made months ago.

At a stop sign Gris gestured down the street on your side. "About three streets that way is the playground where I decided I wanted to be a firefighter."

You glanced that direction imagining Gris as a kid playing pretend on a jungle gym. "May I ask what led to that decision?"

"Another kid go their head stuck in the safety bars on the bridge. They had to cut the bar to free him but afterwards when he was given a clean bill of health they showed us around the truck and ambulance."

"They let you blow the horn, didn't they?"

"Better. They let me run the siren."

"Ooh," you fanned yourself jokingly. "I didn't realize I was riding with such a hot shot. Seriously though, that's awesome. Those moments for kids mean everything."

When he pulled up a gravel driveway not ten minutes later you let out a quiet gasp. The ranch style home was all white with a front porch easily big enough to seat eight comfortably with room to spare for grilling and more. Around it was a colorful array of flowers both potted and planted. A bay window gave you a quick glimpse inside to what appeared to be the living room. The yard was spacious with a couple of rows of trees on the far side. In another part of the yard you saw what would become a fairly large garden come spring and a chicken coop.

"This is really the house you grew up in?" You asked while stepping out of the truck.

Gris grabbed the bags from the back seat before joining you. His hand found yours as easily as if he'd done it a thousand times before. "What do you think?"

"It's beautiful," you murmured, fingers grazing the petals of the potted chrysanthemums at the porch steps.

Gris smiled broadly at the sentiment. "I'm glad you like it."

His mother was a warm breeze of joy and comfort. She was beyond excited to see her son again and just as excited that you'd agreed to join him for his visit. She made you feel welcome, looping her arm through yours the moment your shoes were off to guide you into her home like an old friend. It was effortless being in her company.

His father was just as welcoming but in a quieter way. He brought you a drink, smiling and nodding at you when you thanked him before he retreated to a smaller couch across the room with Gris. When the two conversations naturally flowed into one another he listened while you spoke attention completely on you, something you noticed he did for everyone in the room.

It was plain to see Gris adopted a blend of mannerisms from his parents. Same with his looks. He was his fathers son in every way but his hair and eyes, those were his mothers without question.

Gris had been right too, his mother had gladly accepted your offer for help when she started cooking. She kept you busy with chopping the potatoes first then had you sauté the veggies while she handled the chicken and the salad.

"So, how do you like being on the squad?" She asked you after you were well underway.

"I like it a lot - I like helping people. It's hard though too because of the things we see, but it's rewarding."

"That's goo. You miss being on the truck though, don't you?" She eyed you with a soft smile like she already knew your answer.

"I do," you admitted. "But I won't go back. I can't."

"Because of what happened with Gris." You paused to look at her mouth parted slightly but she went on. "He didn't tell us but he didn't have to, dear."

"It's not like that," you insisted but the heat on your cheeks made her smile grow. Finally you sighed and went back to your task. "Maybe it's a little like that but I wasn't doing well mentally after that fire. I still struggle with i-"

"Sweetheart, look at me." Her hand covered yours on the spoon until you did as she asked. Her eyes were gentle, understanding when you met them. "You don't have to explain yourself. Just know that my husband and I are so thankful Gris has someone like you who cares about him."

"I do care about him. So much."

"How long?" She asked after a few beats of silence.

The look she gave you told you enough of what she meant. "i think I always have," you admitted softly. "First as friends, then it grew when we ended up in the same firehouse, on the same truck, but it was the fire that got him his scar that I knew it was more than that."

"That's a long time, dear." She signed but it wasn't negative. "I may be overstepping so stop me if I am, but don't you think you owe it to yourself - and to Gris - to tell him how you feel?"

Your smile was wide, showing off your teeth as blush colored your cheeks again. "You sound like Riyo and Eishia. They've been telling me the same thing for a long time."

"Since the fire," she gestured towards her face, indicating Gris' scar.

"They've been worse about it since my sister passed. I get it, I do. Something could happen during any one of our shifts so why not tell him, right? But what if he doesn't feel the same way?"

"I don't think that's something you'll have to worry about, dear. Not when he talks about you the way he does."

"How does he talk about me?" You were almost unsure you wanted to know the answer.

"He adores you! Now," she waved you out of the way "you can stay if you'd like, but you've done plenty here. If you'd still like to help, why don't you grab the plates from the cupboard beside the sink and set the table."

You settled into their home smoothly from there, finding your place at the table for dinner without hesitation. You laughed at stories they told you of a younger Gris who was clearly embarrassed by a few of them.

That fact was emphasized when he tried to hide behind his hands, groaning. "Mom, please!"

"Oh, I don't think so!" You leaned into him, elbowing him playfully. "How many stories have my parents told you about me? This is karma finally coming around. Please keep going."

"Why don't you two go into town?" His father suggested when the table was cleared. "Show her around a bit."

"Or we could put on a movie and relax tonight. His mother offered. "You've been on the road all day and must be bored of being cooped up in the truck."

"I actually wouldn't mind spending some time outside if that's okay?" You countered. "At least while it's still somewhat nice out."

"The porch is yours or there's the swing out back. You remember the one you put together for us last year, sweetheart."

You hadn't seen the back of the house when you'd pulled up earlier but now you were glad you'd missed it before. With the sun beginning to set the fireflies were out to play. You were walking at a leisure pace towards the swing that was situated a few feet from the base of a tree but your mind was occupied elsewhere.

You spent a majority of the time Gris was asleep that afternoon contemplating telling him how you feel but you hadn't been sure this trip was the right time for it. He was here to see his parents after all, not start a relationship. If that was even how things would turn out once you confessed.

But his mother's words played on a loop in your mind all throughout dinner. Most of it wasn't new information to you, not really, but you'd questioned things for long and tricked yourself into believing one thing that hearing it from someone else now, someone who didn't know you outside of stories, was making you reevaluate things. She was right your realized, you did owe it to yourself and Gris to tell him, consequences be damned.

"How did you ever leave?" You wondered.

Gris chuckled. "It's a smaller town, I wouldn't have had the types of opportunities here like I do at home."

"I get it." You sat on the swing taking a look around again. "I can't get over how beautiful it is though. And quiet. It's so quiet."

"You like it here." He realized, grin growing when you nodded. He sat beside you making you laugh when he sent the swing rocking a little too aggressively.

"Thank you for having me along." You told him earnestly. "I'm having a great time already and the drive up here really wasn't that bad either."

"i still feel bad that I fell asleep," he grimaced. "But I'm glad you're here and that you're having a good time already. Does that mean you aren't so nervous anymore?"

"No," you signed. "I'm still nervous." You looked over at him appreciating the way the setting sun danced in his hair. You almost couldn't help yourself as you reached out and drew a few strands of hair back behind his ear.

He turned into your touch, eyes meeting yours when you took the opportunity to run your thumb over the stubble on his jaw. "Talk to me," he murmured. "What's on your mind?"

"I need to tell you something."

"No." Spoke a little too quickly. "Not about what we could expect at least." Your gaze drifted in the direction of where Enjin and Gris were overseeing fire safety. "Do you think he'll be okay? Gris I mean."

"Enjin's with him." Eishia stated matter-of-factly. "Besides, Corvus wouldn't have let him work if he didn't believe Gris was up to it. "But-" she dragged the word out at the ever present concern on your face "-if it'll ease your mind, why don't you go make sure they've got their ear protection on hand. The show should be starting soon anyway so I'll be okay on my own for a little while."

Your feet were carrying you off before she finished speaking. With hurried steps and mumbled apologies when you bumped into someone it wasn't long before you were out of the crowd and making your way to the laughing site of the fireworks, guided by the beams of flashlights and the crackle of radios. It made finding them that much easier in the dark.

Within minutes you were standing with Enjin and Gris, watching as Follo and Rudo finalized preparations with Riyo's guidance. The space between the men was for you, always had been since your academy days when the three of you became an inseparable force.

"Everyone's got their ear protection, yeah?" You asked after glancing at your watch.

"You worry too much." Enjin dug an elbow into your arm with a snicker. "Of course we do."

"Everyone's wearing their ear protection?" You shoved him away with a pointed look.

"You're such a mom."

You sent a glare at the remark before smiling. "You'll thank me when you aren't hard of hearing in a couple of years, Lieutenant."

"Asking for one day of you guys not squabbling like siblings really is too much, isn't it?" Gris sighed though fondly and with a small smile.

You didn't catch Enjin's counter as you looked Gris over, noting the stiff line of his shoulders despite his relaxed stance. His throat bobbed when he swallowed, jaw ticking just enough to be caught by the fireworks soaring into the air.

From this close the explosion of the fireworks shook the ground beneath you and cast a colorful glow over the area

Fire blazed.

Debris fell.

Heat licked at your body despite the bunker gear.

Blood. So much blood.

The monitors could be wrong. That's what you told yourself when you felt for his pulse and laid an ear to his chest as he slept in the hospital bed. Thump thump. Thump thump. Thump thump. Only with the reassurance of his heart beating steady in your ear did your mind quiet and with it the adrenaline left your body so sleep's greedy fingers could pull you under too.

It would later take five alarms with accompanying panic attacks, three formal sit downs - and one informal phone call - with the union therapist, and sleepless nights full of nightmares for you to come to terms with the fact that you weren't okay. It took another week, a bit of research and a conversation with Corvus to make a decision that you hoped would be best for you.

Blue sparkles danced overhead, shining bright just as his eyes had in the glow of the fire the night you finally broke the news.

"I'm transferring to the squad." You told them like it meant nothing a few weeks later over beers at Enjin's.

"When?" Was all Enjin asked.

You picked at the label on your bottle. "Won't be official until I get through my certification. I'm taking the accelerated course to make it happen sooner so hopefully just a few more weeks."

"Why?"

You knew Enjin didn't mean why the accelerated course but why the move. That was the hardest part to admit, even to yourself. But the therapist had told you the more you spoke it aloud, even if it was to a mirror, the easier it would get. Didn't make it sting any less.

Your lip warbled, breath stuttering in your chest when you tried to compose yourself. You glanced at the darkening sky, desperate to stop the tears that threatened. A heavy hand landed on your knee and you closed your eyes knowing already whose it was.

"Whatever it is, you can tell us," Gris told you.

It made you laugh in spite of the seriousness of it all. And damnit it if your body didn't betray you as tears tracked down your cheeks. "So stupid." You scolded yourself, scrubbing away the tears to look at your friends.

"It's not." They said in unison.

You flicked your gaze back and forth between them, biting your lip when it threatened to tremble again. "The idea of going into a fire again - I can't," you whispered, staring at the bottle still grasped firmly in your hands. "My whole body shakes with the idea of it. I choke on the panic."

"You haven't been the same since Gris got hurt." Enjin commented. "I wondered if that bothered you more than you were letting on."

Gris had caught your eyes, head cocking to one side just a little as if to ask you if it were true. "Maybe a little." You allowed with a small shrug. "It just - it sucks so much. I love the job - used to love it at least - but I can't keep putting myself through the mental struggle whenever that alarm goes off."

"Hey, you don't need to explain yourself to us." The small smile Gris gave you was enough that you found yourself returning it and felt your shoulders slump with relief.

They hadn't been mad, or upset or even disappointed. If anything they seemed relieved to have you talking so openly again after being closed off for weeks. The heaviness that had accompanied you wasn't as palpable as before either.

You blinked away the memories, stepping back with your head lowered to hide the tears beading on your lashes.

"You good."

It hadn't even crossed your mind for a moment that being close to the fireworks would affect you like they did. That you'd be the one sent back to that day and the weeks after. You'd been too worried about Gris.

"Fine. S'just the smoke." The lie tasted as bitter as the air smelt.

"Hey."

You ducked away from the hand that reached for your nape. Your nails though dull bit into your palms. As much as you wanted to turn tail, to hide just how much your heart still hurt, you flicked your gaze between Gris and Enjin.

"Didn't you feel it?" Your voice sounded warped. "The ground shook like it did when that ceiling collapsed. It felt just like - just like - and then you - and I - fuck - it doesn't matter. I need to get back so I can help Eishia."

The rest of the evening went by without too much disturbance. Someone choked on some food and someone with them had been able to provide aid before they'd come to get looked at at the behest of their partner. Another kiddo took a tumble and needed their elbow bandaged. Otherwise you had a relaxing evening chatting with Eishia and occasionally the other when they swung by.

Towards the end of the night, when people were going home and the stalls were closing, he approached you. "How about a ride home." Gris suggested as he helped you take down a table.

"Oh, actually -"

Riyo shot around the bumper of the squad, bumping you out of the way with her hip. "She would love a ride home."

"But we were -"

"We can reschedule." Eishia stepped forward shooing Gris away and taking his place at the table when he moved back without argument.

"Girls!" You barked an incredulous laugh.

"It's fine, really. Gris can take you home. In fact - " Riyo snagged Zanka's sleeve when he tried to slip past unnoticed "-we'll take care of everything else. Get out of here."

You gave her a hard look but knew arguing would be pointless. "A ride home would be nice, thank you Gris."

He grinned. "My pleasure."

Enjin fell into step with you guys as you headed for the parking lot, leaving you once more sandwiched between them. The comfort and familiarity of it made you smile. "We've got a good group under us, don't we?"

Enjin grunted his agreement around a cigarette.

"They've got good trainers." Gris nodded.

"Are we just gonna ignore the shit you said earlier?" Enjin cut you a look like he thought you might run away at any moment.

It crossed your mind briefly to do just that but you didn't. Instead you slowed your pace and eventually stopped. "Is this why you wanted to take me home?"

Gris met your gaze. "Not entirely," he admitted but didn't elaborate.

You turned your face away, not that you could make out much of anything in the dark. You should have known they wouldn't let what you'd said earlier go. What you'd admitted even if you hadn't said it out loud.

"You can't really expect us to pretend like you weren't affected by the fireworks earlier, can you?" Enjin's voice was softer than before. Kinder. "It wasn't really the smoke was it?"

You met his eyes for a moment before flicking them back to some random car in the distance. Your shoulders were stiff when you crossed your arms over yourself. Hiding or protecting something you weren't even sure. Both maybe. And you laughed at the absurdity of the lie you'd told. "No. It wasn't the smoke. But saying it was was a lot easier than explaining that I was taken back to one of the worst shifts I've - we've - ever had."

Gris spoke first, taking his time to choose his words carefully. "I only know it happened because of the reports but I don't remember the collapse. Or how I got out of that building. I remember waking up in the hospital and everything after it."

"I remember all of it." You whispered still not looking at them. "The panic and fear. The desperation. I remember one moment you were throwing me out of the way shouting...something." You shook your head. "Between the fire and the ceiling I couldn't make out the warning. Then the next second you were gone. And I remember scr - screaming and wanting to go to you but my feet wouldn't move. Not until Enjin showed up with Riyo."

"Riyo and I were upstairs when it happened." Enjin recalled. "We heard it - heard you. That's what I've never been able to get outta my head. The only other time you sounded even close to that scared was with your sister but even then with that fire - with Gris - it was different."

You turned back to them, meeting their eyes. It was there. The same look you still caught in the mirror. Maybe not the same lingering fear and heartache that you were still unable to fully hide years later but there was something there for both of them.

"I didn't know that." You finally murmured with a small shake of your head. "Enjin, it's been -"

"Years. I know. But something like that doesn't leave you. And it's not like any of us talk about that day."

"No," Gris agreed. "We don't. But maybe we should."

"Another night." Enjin waved a hand dismissively. "My dogs are barkin'."

You eyed him as he took off in the direction of his vehicle. "Drive safe and text us when you get home?" You called after him.

"Yeah, yeah." But you knew he would. He always did when you asked.

When he reached his vehicle safely you turned and found Gris already watching you. He studied you for a moment before speaking softly. "I don't want you to feel like you have to pretend like you're okay anymore."

Your fingers squeezed the fabric of your sleeves before you unfolded your arms and reached for his hand. He squeezed gentry when his fingers grasped your own. "Drive slow so we can talk."

The cab was warm and smelled like a cleaning solution when you climbed into it. It wasn't far-fetched to assume he'd spent the morning off cleaning his truck inside and out with as nice of a day as it had been.

"You said you didn't remember much outside of the reports from that day." You started as Gris settled in behind the wheel. "Corvus and Enjin haven't said anything?"

"I never asked." He replied bluntly. "Until now, I figured it was better off not remembering."

You watched his hands flex on the steering wheel, heard the rubber groan when he gripped it a little too tight. There was more he wasn't saying but, like a dam breaking, the words started flowing and didn't seem to stop.

You told him about the helplessness you felt when you realized he'd saved you from the ceiling collapse only to be lost under the rubble himself. How'd you'd made the mayday call and within moments that felt eternal Enjin and Riyo - a rookie then - had joined you in a desperate search. It had only been minutes before you had found him and were able to get his unconscious form hoisted between you and Enjin while Riyo handled the hose.

You told him about Enjin taking charge with ease, how his orders had kept you grounded...barely. How despite Eishia being the stellar paramedic that she is you started to panic at the sight of all the blood and the frantic hands that moved with a surety you could only dream of. How Enjin had taken it upon himself to remove you to the other side of the truck and damn near tossed you, gear and all, into a seat ordering you to stay there and do what you had to in order to gain composure.

You told him about how the panic had returned the moment you were about to walk into his hospital room for the first time. How Enjin once more came to your side and sat with you as gasping, painful sobs wracked your body before he spoke some sense into you and assured you that Gris would want to know you'd visited with the rest of them and would want to see you if he woke up.

"He'll ask about you," Enjin had explained with eyes trained on the wall across from you. "He'll want to see that you're safe and unharmed more than anything else."

He had been right of course. But it would be hours before anyone knew that.

You told him about how you'd waited for everyone else to leave before finally entering the room, Enjin staying outside to give you some semblance of privacy. How for long minutes you'd glared at the monitors disbelieving of their readings until you decided to lay your ear against his chest and hear the thumping of his heartbeat for yourself.

You told him about how hearing it strong and steady had brought on such an intense wave of relief that your knees nearly buckled. And how you stayed with him for as long as the staff would allow.

You told him about the panic attacks, the sleepless nights, and the therapy appointments. Not in depth, but enough for him to understand just how traumatic the experience had been for you. You told him the little bit he didn't already know about your classes for your certification and how years later things come up that take you back to the call or the hospital room.

And then you told him about how you saw some of that same stuff in him. The rigid shoulders when there was a sudden loud noise. The far off look when he thought people weren't paying attention. When that happened, when he got too quiet, you worried the most.

Gris had pulled into your driveway some time ago but neither of you had made an effort to move.

"I should let you get home," you murmured after your gaze flicked over the clock on the dashboard. "I've been talking a lot."

"You say that like it's a bad thing," Gris laughed.

"It's late." You insisted with your buckle already undone and a hand pulling at the door handle.

"Wait!" He was out of his truck and coming around to your side in a flash to open your door for you.

"A gentleman as always." You grinned as you let him take your hand to aid you.

"You tried to be sneaky." He retorted with a smile of his own. He followed you to your door before speaking again. "Thank you...for telling me all that you did. It filled in a lot of the gaps."

"I'm sorry we didn't tell you sooner. It wasn't fair of us to keep it from you."

He shrugged. "I never asked."

"You shouldn't have needed to. And don't shrug like it's not that big a deal!" You bumped him with your elbow before stuffing your key in the lock.

"Can you answer one more thing for me?"

"'Course, what's up?"

"Why did me getting hurt affect you so much?"

You fumbled with the deadbolt, nearly dropping your keys in the process before you turned back to him and leaned your weight into the door with a small shrug. "We've been on a team since our academy days. That's a long time to work side by side with someone who's meant to have your back and help ensure you get back to the firehouse in one piece. I would have been affected regardless of who was on the hose with me that day. But you, me and Enjin are a package deal. Everyone knows that. To lose one of you would destroy me."

You scrubbed at the back of your neck and toed at your welcome mat. "It's no secret that I love you guys. I say it all the time just indirectly. I ask for you to text me so I know you made it home safe. I keep your favorite drinks stocked in my house for whenever you visit. I cook your favorite meals for no reason other than because I know you guys like them and I enjoy seeing you scarf the plates like it's the last time you'll have it. Y'know, things like that."

"You're too good to us," Gris breathed like he'd only just realized the truth of his words. "You know we appreciate everything you do for us though, right?"

"Of course I do." You laughed.

"And you know we love you too even if we don't always say it or show it."

"Where are you going with this?"

"Just making sure you know. Thank you again for telling me everything." When he hugged you you relaxed into the sound of his heart thumping steadily in your ear.

"Thank you for listening. For protecting me that day and always being so wonderful."

You felt him kiss the top of your head, felt him start swaying your bodies in a pseudo dance of sorts, and wondered not for the first time what it would be like to be more than friends. But for now you were content with what you had.

We found out I was pregnant at the beginning of December with what would have been our first baby. It took us nearly a year to see that positive test so to say we were excited is an understatement. Weeks went by, we cautiously started telling our parents and siblings, we celebrated Christmas and this Monday we had our 8 week ultrasound.

What was supposed to be a wonderful day quickly became one of the hardest days we've ever been through as a couple. It was discovered that I had a blighted ovum, which means a yolk sac was present but due to a chromosomal error a fetus never developed. There was no baby.

Through explanation of my doctor and some research of our own we learned that there was nothing we did or didn't do that caused this to happen. It simply just happens. We're understandably devastated but we're taking the proper steps, talking to the right people, and utilizing resources when we need them.

For anyone reading who's been here, my heart goes out to you.