Stories From The Inside

Off and on I fall asleep Days go by I will hardly eat Let me go back to sleep When I sleep My dreamless empty sleep I am not alive I do not exist It feels so good Just let me sleep I don't want to exist

anonymous

I'm a doll That is all I am A shell Something made to look like a person Something most might deem to be pretty But inside I am hallow All that I am Is what people who have played with me Made me into They filled me with their anger Their sorrows Some happiness But mostly their troubles So when you leave me alone All I will be Is a hollow toy Which no one wished to keep

The thought of ending it all.

My chest hurts Like its caving in My head hurts Like it will expload The voices are screaming Angry with me Frustrated I try too calm them down But they won't listen Just keep screaming Please be silent Please..

Can you imagine That every time you turn your head away From a window A door A mirror Even if you just close your eyes a bit long You'd be struck by the fear That someone will be there when you look Or open your eyes That something Someone Will be there To use or abuse Kill you or steal you That taking a bath Is suddenly some of the most scariest things you could do It feels like no one understands They might say so But I don't trust people either Cuz maybe inside them That dark figure I fear so much is hidden Deep in there He's waiting to get me Always

It hurts.. this loneliness crushing me It hurts even more.. people don't understand I feel hateful in jealousy Those human things you do not wish too show off too the world I'm sick Paranoid Its hard to describe this mood or feelings I have swirling around My cheeks are dry from the tears I've been shedding for hours Nothing fits together My thoughts My words Nothing All I feel Is this emptiness

I had a strange sleep this night It was like I was dead I felt nothing, dreamed nothing remember nothing And when I woke the first thing that hit me was I'm alive? It felt like I had died Ceased to exists Then come back to life It felt good And made me sad Why had I awoken? and not slept Forever

I want to break down screaming I want the tears to flow uncontrollably But nothing happens I'm tired.. Keep up My mind is in chaos Internal chaos Please let the tears come Let my cry I want it out This sadness This despair It needs to come out Before I suffocate internally Do you know how that is That feeling when something grows inside of you Growing, blowing up Its pushing my throat now The sadness inside this growing bobble must be let out Or it will grow until I can't hear Can't think Or breath I'll suffocate in despair If nothing comes out

I relapsed And the worse thing is I don't know if I feel bad for it A voice tells me I've missed it That it looks better now I don't know what I think But after landing myself in a hospital I was a bit more fearful Hesitant This time it was an outlet to quiet the voice Not a attempt to close to kill myself Still I feared that steady stream That feeling of getting emptied out It wasn't what I wanted But the pain was a long missed friend I can't lie and say it wasn't I should have been smarter This won't shut the voice up It will only make it louder "You could have done better" "You could have done deeper "You could have done more" Its all the same anyhow People speak of guilty pleasures I guess this one is mine Only.. where is the guilt?

Sleep is my escape.. Its my shelter When I am asleep, nothing can hurt me With the medicine, I don't dream I just sleep and for a while I don't have too exist Just lay there Not eating Not feeling Here in our apartment Safe and warm So often.. I wish I could just sleep Forever

Feel myself growing.. Can't stop this urge to eat.. I hate myself.. I know I'm getting bigger.. I'm in tears by the thought only.. I don't wanna go back.. why can't I just stop.. What I call "breakfast" was way too much.. I tried to throw it up but it tasted to bad and now its too late.. I want to die.. forgive me, its no story this time

That is one of the things which really pains my mind in recovery, I've gotten pretty far now and is building up harder and harder. things screaming at me that people can't see my scars, they won't see.. I feel it is the most triggering thing there isBut just like I am trying not to listen, so should you.. thank you for writing too me.