"What's so funny?" "The joke in my head."

I NEED A SICKO… im holding out for a sicko till the end of the night ..and hes gotta haha and hes gotta say yess at the window with a look of delight

The eye doctor is the most fun doctor you can go to. They never steal your blood. They never make you get naked and put on a paper dress. They're just like, "Can you see these letters? It's fine if you can't, we can fix that." And they don't even spell anything.

Every time I go they put me in a chair and they say look into this machine there's a hot air balloon or a farmhouse in there and I do and I'm like you're right I see it and they're like yeah keep admiring that hot air balloon or farmhouse and I do and I'm like this shit's quaint as fuck and then do you know what happens next they attack me they jumpscare me with air directly into my eyeballs and i fall out the chair and they say sorryyyy but they're NOT they wanted this to happen they KNEW about the jumpscare well now I'm wise to it now I know better when I go in and they say look at this bodacious hot air balloon I'm like NO WAY DUDE that balloon wishes me harm have at thee and I attack them and push them on the ground and spit on them

It’s all fun and games til they tell you that you have Narrow Angles and you need Laser Eye Surgery.

tumblr is like an abandoned space station & you all are the thing in the vents

when you show up to the met gala you should immediately be faced with a panel of fashion experts and art historians before you even get to the red carpet and you have to explain your outfit choice and why it is on theme for that year’s event like you are defending a phd and if you can’t produce a coherent defence they turn you away at the door and the people of manhattan are allowed and encouraged to throw rotten produce at you as you get back into your car in shame

you think that you're so alone in the world then you read literature from hundreds of years ago and you realize that other people have always felt this way

he must be one of the 12 people who saw TENET

the problem is that there are so many books to read and movies to watch and theater to attend and stories to write and I only have this one beautiful little life and I have to spend a lot of it at work.

it really is crazy how there are so many influencers with millions of followers i have never heard of in my life

every day someone is like ‘have you heard about the situation with johnny youtube?’ and i go. pardon. who the hell is that