kyy

a fools guide to not wanting to die anymore

… 8|

Here’s a tip I picked up from a friend that’s helped me a lot — replace self deprecating jokes with ironically self aggrandizing jokes

“Dear someone, last time I wrote to you, I was broken. I didn’t know what to do with myself after you had left, and it felt like I was forever stuck in the same place you left me. I’m better now. Since then, I moved to a bigger city, met new people and saw many new places. I’m building a life for myself. A life that will hopefully be filled with happiness and love. I’m building myself a future in which I am the most important person in it. I’ve stopped being just a secondary character in this beautiful play I call life. I’m tending to my needs first before I look right and left to tend to someone else’s. That doesn’t mean that I’ve become cold, doesn’t mean that I’ve lost my kindness and warmth. It means that at the end of the day I’m leaving some of the good for me too. After you had left me, I didn’t think that I’d ever feel happiness again. I thought that life was meant to be miserable and grey. And whilst life is hard, it is also a composition of all the beautiful, magnificent things. It’s waking up in the morning, realising that you have the day off and that you can roll around in bed just a little longer. It is drinking coffee at your favourite place, and spending time with your favourite people. It is educating yourself and always striving to be better. But it’s also crying your eyes out because nothing makes sense, and feeling better afterwards. Since you left me, I’ve accomplished a list of things I thought I was unable to accomplish. I live on my own now, and while it’s scary and lonely sometimes it’s also the best decision I’ve ever made. I’m living hundreds of kilometres away from home and I now know the true definition of home. I know that I’ve changed and that I will continue to change, but I also know that my feelings for certain people will never change. Today I know that distance means nothing if the love and friendship are real. You may have taught me a lot but you leaving me has taught me even more. It’s taught me strength and courage, taught me heartbreak and loss. It’s taught me about love and friendship. It’s taught me a lot about me too. It’s shown me the lengths I go to see other people happy, and how some will never appreciate that. It’s made me realise that I’m a good person that’s been hurt by bad people. But there are good people out there, and one day I will find that one good person that will turn out to be the best person. I can’t wait for that moment but I know that I have a lot of heartbreak to go through until then, because quite frankly, good things don’t come easy. But more often than not, it’s not about the destination but about the journey anyway. You were a huge part of my journey and I’m thankful for that. And whilst my journey hasn’t ended, I’m past the part with you in it. That’s why I’m writing you today. This is goodbye - forever - because I now know that our paths won’t ever cross again, and I’m more than okay with that. Love always, e.”

Some days I’m Van Gogh’s “Starry night.” Other nights, I’m just his suicide note.