나만 그래

Gusto kita pero tanggap ko na hindi mo ako magugustuhan

Kasi di ako maganda

Wala akong kutis artista

Di rin ako marunong kumanta

Pareho pang kaliwa ang aking paa

Hindi kita kayang ipinta

Malayo ako sa larawan ng isang prinsesa

O ng isang babaeng pwedeng pangrampa.

Ako lang to kasi masaya akong ganito ako

At gusto ko matanggap mo ang ganitong ako

Kasi eto ako—eto ang totoong ako.

Pero alam mo?

May isang bagay akong maipapangako sayo—

Mapansin mo lang ako

Pangako, kung hindi ko kayang ibigay sayo ang mundo

Gagawa ako ng panibago para iparamdam,

Iparanas, ipakita, ipaalam

Na hindi mo kailangan ang mundo

Para mabuo

Kasi hanggat nandito ako

Hindi ko hahayaang maramdaman mong may kulang

Kasi pupunan ko bawat puwang

At hindi hahayaang magkaroon ng panghihinayang

Sa puso mo.

 Teka, teka

Naalala ko yung tatlong araw na nakita kita

Sa tatlong araw na yun nga pala

Maliban sa ngiti mong una kong napuna

Napansin ko ring isang jacket lang ang suot mo

Yung brown jacket na yun lang ang gamit mo

Oo, naalala ko

Inisip kong yun ang paborito mo

At naiinggit ako

Kasi lagi ka niyang nayayakap

At nagagawa ka niyang protektahan

Na hindi natatakot na makita ng iba.

Pero, pero...

Sana kaya ko ring ipakita, kaya ko ring ipadama

Na gusto kita

At handa rin kitang yakapin at protektahan

At kapag akin ka

Di mo na kakailanganin pa ang jacket mo

Kasi handa akong yakapin ka

Handa akong balutin ka ng pagsinta

Para kailanman hindi ka manlamig

At madama mo ang ibig

Na ipahiwatig

Nitong puso ko.

 Hinihiling ko na sana…

Sana muli tayong magkita

At sa pagkakataong yun ay masabi ko sayo

Ng buong-buo

Ng walang pangamba

Na gusto kita

At hindi ko hihingin na magustuhan mo rin ako.

Ang gusto ko lang ay maiparating sa puso mo

Ang nais iparating nitong puso ko.

Tried to write a spoken poetry. I think I failed it. LOL. :P

Billy Graham ( Read more: https://www.christianquotes.info/top-quotes/17-amazing-quotes-about-gods-love/#ixzz4bO5uduaD)

Romans 8:37-39

Nakatanaw sa buwan, sa ilalim ng kalangitan

Nang biglang pumasok ka sa aking isipan

Di ko alam kung bakit biglaan na lamang

Basta ang alam ko lang ay ang katotohanang…

Ikaw yung matang malamlam at mapupungay

Na hindi makikitang ako'y naghihintay

Ikaw yung tengang walang kakayahang madinig

Ang mga salitang aking isinasatinig.

Ikaw yung kalangitang bughaw at malawak

Ngunit kailanma'y di ko magiging hawak

Ikaw yung araw na dala ay liwanag

Pero kinabukasang kasama ka ay di man lang mabanaag.

Ikaw yung bituing maningning at marikit

Di ka kayang maabot kahit anong pilit

Ikaw yung nasa taas na kaya kong tingalain

Subalit ako'y imposible mong mapansin.

Ikaw yung masining na pinta na di ko magagawa

Pagkat ang kamay ko, ang kaya lang iguhit ay letra

Ikaw yung awiting may mahirap na piyesa

At kailanman di ko kayang ikanta

Ikaw yung indak na di ko makukuha

Kasi yung pagsayaw, hindi sakin nakatadhana

Ikaw yung talento na sa akin ay wala

Talento na sa iba lamang ipinagpala.

Ikaw yung hiling na imposibleng matupad

Ikaw yung pangarap na lumisan na't lumipad

Ikaw yung iskulturang di ko kayang iukit

Ikaw yung bagay na sakin ay pinagkait.

Oo, ikaw yun, wala ng iba pa

Ikaw nga yung bagay na di sakin mapupunta.

Naalala ko nang unang araw kitang makita at suot mo yung brown mong jacket. Sa seminar yun. Papalapit ka sa mikropono upang sagutin yung tanong ng emcee. Pero may nauna sayo at napaatras ka na lamang ng isang hakbang sabay ngiti ng isang alanganing ngiti—na sana ay di ko na lamang nakita kasi sa ngiti mo kita unang napansin.

Laking tuwa ko nang sa ikalawang araw ay kasabay kitang kumain ng agahan. Sa wari ko’y hindi naman pala masamang mahuling gumising kung minsan. Suot mo pa rin yung jacket mo. Nakakakaba yung oras na yun kasi kaharap kita sa mesa. Natuwa din ako sa I.D. na suot ko kasi nalaman mo muna ang pangalan ko bago ko malaman ang iyo. Pero… iba talaga ang ngiti mo.

Once upon a time—yeah yeah, like I’m gonna start it with that, eh? This is not a fairytale to start with. The story I’ve got to tell is… well, just read on. I’m in first year college when I met this certain girl. She is just simple with her long, curly hair and she’s not so tall. Actually, she’s really not tall. Don’t tell her I said this.

The first time I met her was a bliss (I’m not telling the truth). She’s so quiet and the words she says are limited (Parang yung pagmamahal lang ng mga manloloko </3), just like me. But days passed, and as we get closer to each other, the more talkative she becomes. Thing is, she really is a girl of few words. But if she gets comfortable with you, you’ll have a hard time shutting up her lips.

We are six in our circle of friends. I’d like to introduce them first before her. We all have different personalities in the squad (not the bipolar type, no) and that made our relationship grew stronger. You know, just the ‘we-are-diversed-from-each-other-so-we-gotta-learn-to-love-one-another’ thing? Err. Did I just said something as cheesy as that?

Now, let me tell you about my friends—wait, what? Oh, you don’t want me to? Then I’m sorry but you’ve got no choice. You’ve got to read this—letter by letter and word by word—until the end, or something bad will happen to you. You are gonna lose your blah blah blah. Freakin’ chain messages, eh?

To pay respect, shall we start with the elders? (My ‘older’ friends will gonna kill me.) There is the “Little Bully” of the group. Meet Lyxen Grace Pilar, one of Snow White’s little dwarves. (Don’t ask me about her height standing.) She’s real fun to be with, and she’s got the heart for bullying. And hey, it’s not the kind of bullying that will make you resort to suicide. My God. (I hate drugs.) It’s the type of bullying that would even make you laugh ha-ha.

Let’s go to the “Good Rapunzel” of the group, Jemerlyn Valladolid. Her kindness will sometimes make you feel a little bad. Just little. You see, we are all nice in the squad. (I sound like carrying my own chair, do I?) I’m telling you she’s always full and never hungry. Also, mess with everything but her hair.

Now meet the “Pretty hunk”, Maria Carmela Abejuela. She’s the prettiest in the group. (Her head will get big again if she hears this, so keep this to yourself.) I love her broad shoulders; it’s like a man’s. (She doesn’t like us mentioning her shoulders, so don’t keep this to yourself. You can tell her this.)

Say hello to the group’s “Brave Voice” Anjanette Miña. Brave because… she’s brave, let’s not complicate things, alright? And as for the voice, she’s got the most amazing vocals among us. Believe me. I’m telling the truth. I said believe me, okay? Why won’t you believe me?

Can we skip my part? Psh. Fine. I’m Mary Lou De Leon. They call me “Pabebe Sadist”. It’s lame. I know, right? But they say I act so pabebe though I’m so physical sometimes. So that’s enough, I think? I’m pretty and I know it. (Don’t look at me like that.)

Let’s get to the main subject, the “Hopeless Fangirl”, (NEVER MENTION I CALLED HER THAT.) May Altavano. Ask her what love is and if she doesn’t answer it with ‘God’, it’ll be ‘EXO’. Dude, she’s impossible. Ask her what her ideal type of a boy is, and her answer would be: tall, handsome, rapper, can sing, plays musical instruments, and has big ears. Trust me. Those aren’t the characteristics of her ideal type in a guy, but a description of Park Chanyeol, a member of the Korean Boy Band EXO and also her bias slash her self-proclaimed husband. I mean, she goes like, EXO here, Chanyeol there, fangirling everywhere. (I’m imagining what look she’ll throw me if she reads this.)

She’s mad. (Remind me to hide later.) She was really heartbroken when she’s not able to attend EXO’s concert here in Philippines, the EXO’luxion. You were talking about something and she’s always found a way to insert in the conversation how she totally missed the opportunity to see EXO live and how messed up her life is (like, seriously?). It went for like… forever. Boy, she’s really mad, you see? (*Looks around for possible danger from a fangirl.*)

Believe me when I say she can defend how hard fangirling is. “You got to have faith in one in a million chance of your idol to know you. You got to subscribe always to know what they do. You got to wait for months just so you’ll see them perform again. [Was it called ‘comeback’? I’m not sure.] You got to always show your love and support even if they wouldn’t know that there’s a ‘specific’ you who did it (at least they also shows their love and appreciation to everyone, and the fact that you belong to that ‘everyone’ is enough already). You even got to exert effort just so you’ll know the story behind their every song, every music video—of course, this already includes the translation of the songs. You even got to memorize the lyrics (which is, obviously, in Korean) so that you’ll be able to sing along with them. ” Her list is still long so I’ll cut it here. And oh. I almost forgot to tell you how devastated she became after seeing photos of Chanyeol’s kissing scene in his movie (So I married an anti-fan), and how happy she became when she realized he doesn’t know how to kiss. It’s because she thinks there’ll be no more kissing scenes in the future. Can you imagine that?

I’m also a fan of One Direction but I don’t do fangirling the way she does. I love 1D not just because they are handsome. The one thing that I admire to them most is the way they sing with love, and they have awesome voices. But let’s move on from being a fangirl.

May likes reading novels that are fantasies and thrillers. But so far, her favorite book is “A Walk to Remember” by Nicholas Sparks. She’s started reading novels only this college so there are only few books and series she’s finished. Me? I prefer watching movies than reading books.

Anyway, she is also a kind and intelligent girl. (Eh kasi bumabawi ako.) She is playful but she is also thoughtful and helpful. When I commit a mistake, she will tell me about it and correct it in a manner that I won’t be offended. She’s very observant and she values time very much. She doesn’t like being late. Time freak, yes.

She’s got many good things to share with me and I’m thankful for her about it. (I hope I’m now forgiven.) Though sometimes, we are having some misunderstanding, we don’t let it affect our friendship.

And if there’s one trait that we share, besides still being dependent (yeah), it’ll probably be being in love with foods (LOL).

I wanted to write this because I can’t contain the feels and I have to let it out. This is a bit long so please bear with it. XD

So here goes the story. In my previous article in my blog entitled “Pains of a fan girl” (never mind the title), I stated there that I can no longer attend the EXO’rDIUM in Manila. It’s because I totally lost hope—as in TOTALLY—and I am already indulging myself in self-pity.

It was January 25th and I was like “Today’s the day,” but here I am (to think that I am from Bicol and the concert is in Manila) in my bed, re-watching their random videos because it’s only through those that I can see them. And then there’s my Facebook news feed that goes all about EXO’rDIUM in Manila—girl, it’s a torture.

At around 4:00 P.M. (of January 25), someone I know, my cousin, has offered me a ticket for Day 2. And me be like “…” because I don’t really know what to do. I am not even prepared and I don’t even have my mom’s permission. She isn’t against it really, me attending the concert. It’s just that we are not rich, and I am taking up my internship this summer and we’re going to need money for that. It’s about setting priorities.

Thing is, I promised that I have to attend their concert this time no matter what since I didn’t make it to EXO’luXion last year, so I saved up even just for a General Admission ticket. GenAd is far from the stage, so people are telling me to just watch videos or fancams instead of availing it. But you know, the feeling will still be different if you are actually there.

Though I saved enough money, I still didn’t get the permission. Instead, I was just told to reserve it for more important matters. I cannot do anything about it.

But I thought I had to be there—I want to be there—so I made one of the the toughest decisions I could ever make. It was a very last minute decision. I packed my things, got my savings, and prepared myself for everything that will happen after. For now, my decision is final and there is no turning back.

5:27 P.M. and I was on the bus. My mom didn’t know since she is currently in Bulacan. No one else knew about it except me that time. I’m aching, too, knowing that this is the biggest disobedience I’ve done to my mom. But like I said, there is no turning back. I will deal with the consequences later on.

You might be thinking bad about me right now but I promise you, you will understand me after reading this article.

I’m in the bus when I posted in facebook that I am travelling to Araneta Coliseum.  Geez. It’s too late when I realized that was a stupid move. I was too excited with the concert I forgot I’m not supposed to attend that. It was supposed to be a secret for now but, err.

(Don’t mind my photo. I look awkward there ‘cause my body looks so big. #VeryWrongAngling I sent it to my friends as evidence that I’m on the bus, but actually, that photo was taken last January when I came back from vacation in Bulacan. SML. :P)

And then my cousin (this is different from the one who has a ticket) left a comment on that post. That cousin is with my mom in Bulacan. I’m so dead. So I chat him not to tell mom yet. He told me I’ll get screwed when she finds out. I know that, too. Then few hours later, I decided to tell my sister about it, me going to EXOrDIUM. She said the same thing my cousin said, but she accepted it in the end. And she even actually told me why did I have to keep it from her. (She’s an EXO-L, too, so don’t wonder why she even sounded like she would still have supported me whatever my decision is. LOL. Actually, it might’ve been the two of us going to the concert if she isn’t in her work.)

I feel bad, yes. But I just think that this is only now and I’m never doing it again. Is it wrong if I choose to just cherish the moment?

At around three in the morning of January 26th (the Day 2 of EXOrDIUM), I arrived in Araneta Bus Station. I stayed there till the sun is up. I had nowhere to go, anyway. I can’t go to my auntie which is just near the Araneta Coliseum (the concert venue) because I’m afraid mom will find out.

I looked for a C.R. to change clothes. No bathing. I mean, it’s not like I have a choice so don’t judge. And besides, I don’t smell. LOL.

I just waited for my cousin (who has the ticket) outside the Coliseum. It was around lunchtime. We thought we should go there as early as we can to avoid any hassle. When she’s arrived, I finally got the ticket in my hand. I decided to forget what my problems are and just focus on the concert.

I met new EXO-L friends and had fun with them while waiting for the event venue to open. It really is nice talking to people who shares the same interest with you.

There were so many people around and seeing them gathered together for this one event makes me so happy. I was even happier that I was part of that crowd.

It’s really thrilling on my part the moment I’m only few steps away from the entrance. Geez. That’s the start of “THIS IS IT” moment. When I was on my seat, I looked at the stage. I did not have any regret for that last minute decision because I know I can still see my babies from GenAd row. I’m shocked to find out that it’s not that far the stage after all. Then I looked around. I smiled as I realized I will get to see the silver ocean that I missed last year.

The venue was so full of excited faces and auras. I felt so proud as we waited patiently. Of course, the venue was noisy due to thousands of EXO-Ls cheering and excitement. Then the event started. I can’t move first when the boys entered the stage. I can’t believe I’m seeing them and I’m in close proximity with them. Not the literal close proximity as in real close, what I mean is that we are in the same place at the same time. And right at that moment, my favourite place was the Araneta Coliseum.

When I’ve finally recovered from shock, I joined the crowd from screaming to the point that I thought I’m gonna lose my vocal cords. I was so touched by their messages, and their “I love you’s” and “Saranghae’s” made my decision more worth it.

I thought it’s only through music/audios that I’ll get to sing with them. Memorizing their songs by heart is not a waste of time—it never have been and never will be—especially now that they have acknowledged and appreciated it.

Seeing your idols sing, dance, and play around live? Believe me, that’s a scene that would really break your heart once you’ve missed. I am so thankful—so much thankful—that I am one of the thousand lucky fans to witness that.

To my friends (who’s also into EXO) who got shocked when they knew I’m on my way to Manila for EXO’rDIUM, hello. :) Just like what you’ve asked, I have sent your love to them together with mine. Anyway, I just wanna share that the Audio Visual Presentation (AVP) was amazing—the subtitles are swag. The concert was a a real, total blast!

Their voices? I still can’t believe I’m hearing it live. Their dancing? I still can’t believe I’m witnessing it live. Their figures? I still can’t believe I’m seeing it live. Their playfulness? Their jokes? Their speaking? Their messages? I still can’t believe everything is real.

How I wish I have Tao’s time control power so that I could stop the time, or even just slow it up, so that I could be with EXO longer. But of course, I don’t have that that ability. The concert has to end whether I like it or not.

The moment they’re bidding thank you’s and goodbye’s was saddening. But I am still glad that we, PH EXO-Ls, made them happy again like how they made us happy, too.

As soon as they exit the stage, I was ready to exit the coliseum, too, thinking that I will leave this place with memories that I will cherish forever. That three hours with them may be short, but I am contented.

And now, the concert was over and I’m going back home. And as I go back home, I’ll also go back to reality that ‘me going to EXOrDIUM’ is not real and I just did this as my defense mechanism so that ‘me not going to EXOrDIUM’ wouldn’t be that heartbreaking.

To my friends (Joana Emberga, Nica Joy Agripa, Claire Bregania, Makerz Sasota, Yodel Berdin, etc.) who really believed I attended the concert, I love you all. I have the ‘pasalubongs’ and souvenirs you were asking for. Just get it to me on Monday.

To my cousin, Jayson Malacad, who really didn’t tell my mom I’m attending the concert because I asked him not to, thank you. To my sister, Angie Altavano, thank you for understanding me when I told you I was currently on the way to Araneta and I didn’t tell our mom about it. Thank you also for really keeping it a secret. You guys have proven your loyalty. LOL. I love you both.

Sorry for fooling around, guys. Anyway, this is how I came up with this crazy idea (BTW, I did not plan it at first but you actually bought it so, yeah). I just posted in Facebook that I am travelling to Araneta Coliseum for Day 2 concert because I am upset and just so I can lessen the disappointment I am feeling. But you guys reacted to it and actually believed that I will go. And that thought somewhat made me feel better (you know, I was really upset when I found out GenAd is just near the stage) because somehow, I felt like I really am going to the concert even though I’m not. Right now, I am thinking that it made me feel better because it got me distracted. Your enthusiasm and excitement got me carried away that I almost forgot I am a #TeamBahay, too.

And just to clarify it, I don’t have that cousin who has a ticket. It’s just imaginary.

To my mom, I love you. Of course I’m sad you didn’t allow me to the concert but I understand it. Don’t worry, I wouldn’t disobey you even if I wanted so much to watch. Just please, will you already allow me if ever another EXO concert is still possible? #EXOplanet4 :)

That’s all. So, this is my EXO concert experience. What’s yours?

-Mhikz

(Concert photos grabbed from facebook. CTTO. Other photos are, of course, mine. LOL.)