MY SEOUL IS IN KOREA

Last night a Tarot spread saved my life. A glimpse of a future my soul knew was there but my heart believed I could never touch. In those moments when it feels like all hope is abandoned, the voice of the universe breaks out of the dark. Last night it said: Pull yourself together. You've got this.

For months I have felt like I'm dying, a feeling I couldn't shatter or shake. Breathing and sleeping toward death, betrayed by the big dreams of my soul; never alone but always lonely.

The depression takes hold in waves. It comes in bouts of desperate crying, sparks of I MUST followed by long, listless stretches of I simply cannot. Its shameful face shows up in patterns I recognise - when it shows its hand, I can shut it down. It brings anger and self loathing twofold: I hate the mirror, the mirror hates me back, and I fight with myself about where the love went. I wonder, how long have I been in this relationship with myself?

I struggle to want to get better again; the familiar demon reminds me it knows me best. There's no chance of it taking my life from me, not really, no chance of it winning - but sometimes it feels like it could. Sometimes it feels like it might.