過労死

━━━━ “ i’ve lost my wings, care to help me find them? ”

never regret thy fall, o icarus of the fearless flight for the greatest tragedy of them all is never to feel the burning light

damp hair framed his face, partially obscuring his vision. the only source of light came from the street lamps outside. its luminescence, faded by the heavy rainfall, peered through the kitchen window. jeonghan had only managed to grab a clean glass, when the item was taken from him in an instant. he neither stumbled nor flinches, a usual dynamic taking place, although a little surprising given their current situation. but who was he to wonder when, by tomorrow, jeonghan would act like tonight never happened?

just as he was about to grab another glass, the faint sobs caused him to freeze mid-turn. instead, he faced mingyu completely, looked up at the other male - a kicked puppy. jeonghan wasn’t sure if he should laugh or cry, although one was gradually winning over the other. carefully, he pried the glass away from the other’s hold, placing it on the counter.

“gyu-ah–”

before he could reach out - apologize? - he was pressed against the other’s chest, and while the gesture was sudden, painful in the way mingyu’s stronger frame was holding onto him, instinct told him to relax. shoulder slumped, and jeonghan let his weight fall against his best friend, arms finding their way around mingyu’s waist. a heavy sigh - exhausted, defeated.

jeonghan pulled back just enough to look up at the other’s face, reaching up to cup his cheek. thumbs gently brush tear-stained cheeks, a weak smile forming on his lips. he released a breathless chuckle, shaking his head lightly. he squished the other’s face between his palms, scrunching his nose as he held the other’s gaze. “what the fuck are you talking about?” he began - teased, to ease the tension. “there’s no fucking way i’m letting you go.”

( i never planned to. )

finally, hands move up, and fingers ruffle the other’s hair in a familiar manner - affectionate, and intimate in a way that’s simply between the two of them. “you’re my puppy.” his voice shook, but jeonghan tried not to be too obvious. he breathed out, “just mine, okay? no one else’s.”

you were right, though.

( just let me figure this out first. )

no. oh god no. he’s looking. he’s looking.

mingyu’s frantic thoughts caused him to almost punch jeonghan with his shaking fist. he kept inching away but somehow, jeonghan always reached out to pull him back. not just tonight, crying and embarrassed mess he was, but ever since they met as children. the moment was however ruined when jeonghan squished his cheeks and he frowned, sniffling while snot still ran down his nose. “but you said--” he was about to talk back but god. there was something about the way jeonghan ruffled his hair that made him feel weak in the knees that he couldn’t even talk anymore.

“okay, okay.” he nodded, though his voice shook like jeonghan’s. he felt ridiculous being called puppy in his twenties and he was glad jeonghan reserved it for those rare and unconventionally tender moments. it even made his cheeks flush an even deeper shade of red. the my and mine certainly contributed to that as well.

mingyu had always been a big rough with his words and he bit them back, instead hugging jeonghan tighter. had their heights been reversed, he would look like he was clinging onto the other. he stayed like that for a while, still confused but feeling lighter. there was so much he had to say still. but surely jeonghan knew what he meant, right? surely he knew by now?

if not, mingyu had to let him know now.

when mingyu flinched, jeonghan ached to pull back (and also move forward - a conundrum), heart twisting at the idea of mingyu hating him enough to avoid contact, physical or otherwise. jeonghan forced himself to sit still, suppressing a sigh of relief when mingyu didn’t completely pull his arm back. on instinct, jeonghan’s hand trailed lower until he was grasping mingyu’s own, squeezing lightly, hoping mingyu could sense the desperation from his mere touch alone.

you knew me better than anyone else.

jeonghan’s jaw was slack as he waited for a response, holding a breath in case the sound would overlap with mingyu’s answer. he refused to break their gazes, his own pleading and misty from trying not to break in tears on the spot (to match with exhaustion). mingyu’s words shouldn’t have caught him off-guard, but they did. because he didn’t deserve them. when mingyu looked down, jeonghan took an involuntary sharp intake of breath. don’t fucking cry.

this was my fault. i’m sorry.

( you don’t deserve to get hurt. )

the corner of his lips twitched upward in an attempt to smile, only the more he tried, the more he was set to fail when he felt his bottom lip trembling. he was just about to say something - anything - when the taxi finally pulled over. he met the driver’s gazein the rear-view mirror, caught the man’s curious albeit sympathetic look. jeonghan pulled out some money from his back pocket, and handed it over.

they step out of the taxi, and just as jeonghan was pulling out the front door keys, heavy droplets fell against his face, trailing down his cheek. for a moment, he thought he was crying, but realization dawned too soon when heavy rain fell upon them. his hair was dampened flat by the time they reach the door, jeonghan struggling to slip the key into the lock until he almost stumbled inside in hurry.

“shit,” he muttered under his breath, droplets from his hair falling onto the carpet. “sorry. fuck.” was everyone in the house asleep or still out? unfortunate how theirs was cut short, but jeonghan didn’t exactly pay much attention to mingyu the entire time. this thought made him shut his eyes tightly, dragging himself to the kitchen for some water. “gyu-ah.” he tried to keep his voice even. “come here.”

they both needed to sober up.

the cab stopping broke the bubble he and jeonghan had built inside of it.

he hopped off of the cab the same way he hopped inside, clumsily and following jeonghan. he bid a goodbye to the driver quickly before he was soon a mere step away from jeonghan who was opening the door. he felt his world spin for a little, whether it was from nervousness or the remaining alcohol in his system he didn’t cry or piss out already. 

rain caught up to them, wet and sending a chill down his spine. only his back was wet as he had managed to run inside. he almost tripped because of the welcome mat but managed to gain his bearings (some of it) enough to register that the house was dark. either everyone was outside (it was a weekend after all) or they were gaming. in the dark, he was almost blind but he followed jeonghan’s voice echo from the empty kitchen. with heavy and lazy steps, he soon joined the older.

ah, yes. sobering up. 

mingyu did as he was told, head hung low like the overgrown dog he was called by many. he accidentally made the distance between him and jeonghan too little. oh god. that was a big mistake. he reached for the water jug and stole jeonghan’s glass like he always did when he was lazy to get his own. he filled it up with water using shaky hands, gulping the water in one go. sobering up was scary. it meant tomorrow will be another day where they have to pretend and hide.

how much alcohol did he drink that night?

mingyu was already out the door before jeonghan could make another move. it took a few seconds before he could compose himself, the prior events and current intoxicated state made thinking unbearable. the blaring music and thumping bass made him feel like he was waking up from a nightmare, and the cold night air brushing against his cheeks was a terrible wake-up call.

time check.

it was all over - as it should be.

( it shouldn’t have started in the first place. )

the sight of mingyu in tears just moments before caused his own eyes to sting, dry from the alcohol and smoke. jeonghan hadn’t seen mingyu cry in years. he swallowed thickly, shut his eyes as he took a deep breath because, compared to mingyu, jeonghan almost never cried at all. he stood a good foot behind his best friend, eyed mingyu’s back tentatively with the need to reach out, pull mingyu flush against himself, and not for anything else but to simply embrace him. you’re real, he wanted to scream into the fucking night. this is real.

but in what sense?

instead, he waited for mingyu to hail a cab as opposed to following impulse. that was what started the whole ordeal in the first place. once settled inside, jeonghan gave the driver the address, gaze lowered and unable to meet the other’s. it wasn’t a futile attempt considering, as it seemed, mingyu planned to do the same. having known each other their entire lives, silence was welcomed on more than a few occasion. this time, however, it only served as a barrier too thick. unusual, even - for all the time they spent together and knew each other. to the point that it was terrifying, jeonghan could feel his heart in his throat. so, not evevn halfway through the ride, he threw aside what’s left of his pride to he reach out, lithe fingers loosely wrapping around the other’s wrist.

“we’re okay,” he tried, voice soft. hesitant. “right?”

( we should be. right? )

man, he was such a crybaby. he could feel his chest swell up and make space for the heavy wave of emotions that made his hands tremble and his eyes water even further. as he waited for the cab, he fervently wiped away the huge globs of salty water from his eyes and breathed in clean air. god, it hurt like a bitch. even the clean air flowing steadily through is lungs couldn’t make the heaviness lighter. 

once a cab finally stopped, he didn’t even bother to greet the driver and scrambled inside, hitting his head against the roof of the car. he cursed underneath his breath, rubbing the sore spot but not making a huge deal about it. the first few minutes of the ride, he simply looked out at the window, watching as cars and buildings. his eyes were fixated on each and every  one of them, studying every detail that his eyes could capture at the speed they were going. he panicked a little. they might reach home sooner than he was ready and he’d have to share the room with jeonghan.

they were okay, right?

letting his thoughts circle around the same circle of paranoia and distress, flinching when jeonghan touched him. he didn’t mean to and felt apologetic immediately. the other would think he didn’t want to be touched and -- 

“we’re okay, right?”

if mingyu’s chest felt heavy with emotion earlier, it now felt as if his heart was being squeezed by someone’s bare hand. automatically, his other hand reached out to place it above the ache, as if he could physically swat it away. “y...yeah, of course.” why wouldn’t we be? he wanted to ask but that would make way for answers he wasn’t ready to hear. instead, he mustered the courage to turn around to assure jeonghan that he was genuine. “of--” all words were stolen from him a split second, like that one time out of the many times that he realized that this was real. he was real. they were real. 

jeonghan’s eyes stayed the same even if everything about him had changed. it was why mingyu couldn’t lie when he looked at them. why he felt so sure. why he could do anything so long as those were the pair he can search for in the crowd, certain that he was’t alone.

i’m drunk and i love you. 

If she didn’t know better, she would have thought Jaerim was uncomfortable in her presence. Looking elsewhere, his voice quiet – she had come to learn that this was just how he is, especially when they are together. 

In the beginning, their eyes would only ever flicker over one another; they never held each other’s gaze for more than an instant. Amélie was afraid that Jaerim would see her, the girl who was infamous for her intimidating glare, being so uncharacteristically bashful that he’d be call her fake or even reject her. And he was so intense sometimes. She still found him to be mysterious and difficult to read. But with time she came to trust him and became comfortable in sharing the sides of herself that most people had never seen. It was nice, for a change, to not have to put on such an act. To just be herself. Which thankfully, he seemed to appreciate.

“It’s certainly quiet,” she replied, glancing around their dark and deserted pocket of the castle. If anyone were to stumble upon them, not only would they be in some kind of trouble, but they’d probably think the pair of them were freaks for wanting to hang out here. There were much cooler places to break curfew for.

She also raised her head at his question, yet she didn’t mirror his smile. Instead, her brows furrowed. Amélie rarely thought about her zodiac sign. So rarely did she think of it that she actually had to take a moment to recall what it was. Truthfully, she had never found her horoscope to be very relevant to her life. Perhaps she was too prideful. She was in charge of herself and her actions, right? However, now that Jaerim had asked her, she suddenly wondered how important all that stuff was. Especially because if he thought so, then it must be.

“I think i’m a cusp? Like, between a Scorpio and Sagittarius. At least that’s what i’ve been told, I don’t know much about it…” Her head tilted, curious as to why he would want to know. “Do you think it means something?”

“quiet...” he started, trying his best to formulate his words before he uttered them. he really didn’t want to sound like a lesser intellectual. while he may not be amelie’s equal, he wished he could at least reach for a bit and they’d be equals. wishful thinking, he was aware, but he allowed himself the luxury of it especially since he needn’t voice it out. “has the way of making way for things we cannot hear amidst the noise. or so i was told.” a fond memory tickled at the corners of his mind, making him smile to himself. of course he’d be right.

at her answer, jaerim perked up and started flipping through the pages of his astronomy book. “everything means something,” he started, speaking all too fast because of his excitement. once he found the page illustrating the constellation of scorpio. “your scorpio constellation is best seen around 9pm, during july. m-maybe we can look at it together. isn’t it pretty?” he asked, tracing the pattern. “it’s called scorpius, in latin. it consists of so many bright stars. one of them even said to be like the planet mars...”