kagedama

-

the cube standing inside of me--

spins,

in the air,

with a deep-dark-water blue.

it can't be touched

unless I stop it;

not even by me,

you see, I love everyone, indiscriminately, but have been able to intimately love only three times. and it matters not how long my relationships with these people lasted, because the moment I knew that I loved these people, I had already seen so many possibilities where things could go with them, and in every possible situation I could imagine, no matter what, I was always in love with them. that's how I knew I was in love with them; that, for me, was always the sign. and another sign was that after they entered my life, I was transformed, in a way or in another: I felt differently, I saw differently, I learned so many things about myself I didn't know before. and I thank them for that, and I will thank them for that for as long as I am alive. and I will keep on loving them for as long as I live.

but no matter how much they changed me, there was this only constant that always remained in me: there is no moderation in my kind of love. I either love or I don't. there are no in-betweens. I cannot wake up the next morning and say, "nah, I don't feel like loving this person anymore." that doesn't work with me. in my head, that's not love. that's "Like". love is not choosing a toy from a thousand you have, playing with it, getting bored,then picking another one. that's just “like”, and it's not bad or anything , but it's just not love.(to me at least.)

love, to me, is like remembering a pleasant memory you thought you had forgotten, opening your dead father's violin case, or, feeling the greatness that living itself is, even if just for one moment... something that always stays with you, no matter what.

I have been with other people, too, people I didn't love in this sense, people who I just liked, but I have never said "I love you" to any of them(and they knew it).

in my mind, love is a huge word when you say it in this sense. (and I really don’t care what other people have to say about this, love will always be a huge word.)

my longest relationship lasted for 2 years, and it ended-- first of all because we are people and the second thing I think it is because I write. but I have never parted ways with them because I stopped loving them. I cannot stop loving them, and I cannot imagine a situation where I could stop doing that, and I happen to have a decently huge imagination.

I would say the reason why people who write end up alone, is writing itself. they write everything they get from the person they love, and those things at times are not that 'good' when seen from the other persons point of view, so the other person thinks that the other person doesn't love them anymore... and so on.

but yeah, that’s it, too much blabbering, but... whatever.

so... to love. loving. to meetings and partings. to people who could love us as much as we loved them. to people we could only like while they were loving us, and also to people we loved and they just liked us back.

meet me at the place we'll never be cause we deserve everything we get.

bad luck existential pain lack of inspiration heartbreak... we deserve tiny meteorites that hit our head each bus that is late every drop of rain words that sound different in our heads: miscommunication bad air-- death.