cūriōsitātem

I bought a mechanical keyboard on Amazon. It’s my first mechanical keyboard and I’m so excited to use it. I don’t do gaming but I just love the tactile keyboard and it’s satisfying to feel the clicking sounds. Some people hate when they hear keyboard sounds, but I do love it. I accidentally ordered Blue optical switches, I want the Brown Optical Switches, anyway, I won’t feel any difference because it’s my first mechanical keyboard. I will post the picture when I have a chance to update this post. 

I don’t do blogs on tumblr anymore because I don’t have time to post and I’m lazy. I honestly came here to type and try my keyboard. I want to type something and tumblr came to my mind first.

I don’t update my life story here anymore. For the past 4 years, a lot of things happened to me, career wise, mental health. I guess, I’m happy. I’m happy that I’m happy. Yes, I’m tired, but I know it will pass. it is what it is. 

Okay, fine. I will start sharing a little bit of what happened to my life 4 years out of tumblr.   

I studied and work hard. I became an RN here in Canada after 4 years of waiting and dreaming! Just right on time, Pandemic hits the world. I’m a new nurse and I want to earn experience, I applied to a hospital job, I got it! and I didn’t expect that I will start my career in a covid suspect ward until my unit became actual covid unit ward (started yesterday) I wasn’t happy with my work. Nobody’s happy. Pandemic, viruses are every where and it might affect your family or you. It’s hard. You are working to earn money to pay off debts, help people at the same time but you are risking your life as well. I pray to God that I won’t get the virus so that I can continue helping people who are sick with Covid19 Virus. I’m praying that my family will not get it. I just want to work peacefully. 

We started the covid unit yesterday and it was challenging. In my place, cases and increasing and more people and getting sicker and sicker that they have to open more unit as covid 19 unit, bigger hospital are full in my place. If people are continuing to go out, meeting their friends, distant relatives, this pandemic won’t end. 

I’m sick of using mask, but I still use it EVERY SINGLE DAY. My earlobes are hurting, my face is irritated, hence my pimple breakouts, My hands are sore due to too much hand washing and using hospital hand sanitizers. EVERYDAY. Every time I touch an uncleaned area. Man, it’s tiring that I want to retire early even though I just started my career as nurse. It’s just funny that 2020 is Year of the Nurses, and pandemic hits. And nurses are tired, burned out, became centre of attraction. In my workplace, at 7pm everyday during the first month of Pandemic, neighbourhoods around my workplace, they cheered to thanks health care workers, we felt that we are appreciated and love. 

Hello. 2 hours ago, I had an argument with my neighbour. It was intense because you have to argue using english language. My heart was pounding. She was accusing us, that we are too loud, that we are banging the wall between our place INTENTIONALLY. Which is not. I was so mad and my voice was cracking. Anyway. I hate her. Nope, we are not loud.

I missed a lot of stories here. 

I recently finished my course, I got in to health authority, I received provisional license and I’m about to take my licensure exam. I can’t wait to finally practice my license.

I’m still alone. 

Feeling alone. as per usual.

I don’t why but I’m smiling but my tears is about to fall.

Nope. I’m not crying. I’m smiling.

I’m having difficulty in reviewing because I keep on procrastinating. Eating. My mind is flying. 

Anyway... Even though I feel sad and alone, At least I’m still here. 

May 20, 2017 | Saturday

May 19, 2017 | Friday

May 17, 2017 | Wednesday

May 17, 2017 | Wednesday

May 16, 2017 | Tuesday

Isang taon na mula nung lumipat kami dito at iniwan ang mahal kong pilipinas. maraming pinagbago, masaya, malungkot, exciting. roller coaster! Hindi nga lang kasing saya nung nasa pinas pa ako. Ibang saya din kasi yung nasa pinas, ibang saya din yung andito. Wala pa akong bagong kaibigan dito. I mean old gold friends meron, Dalawa lang. Yung isa, kaibigan ko pa sya galing ding pinas, classmate ko sya nung college, pero dahil iba ang priority nya, family. Mas matanda sakin si mami berna, may anak na sya at of course asawa, second course nya ang nursing at doon ko sya nakilala sa unibersidad at nalaman ko na taga dito din pala sya, kaya ngayon, sya ang kaibigan ko dito. Ngunit, sabi ko nga, iba ang priority nya, lagi siyang naghahanap buhay kaya madalang kami magkita. Kaya ako ito, hindi rin namamasyal masyado dahil walang kasama. Pangalawang kaibigan ko, classmate din from college, si karen. Pero sa mababang dahilan, ayaw ko makipag kita sakanya. Kasi I feel down. Ang baba ng tingin ko sa sarili ko dito. Napakadami kong insecurities sa katawan, samu’t sari kababawang insecurities, pati nanay ko, napapagalitan ako, kung bakit daw ayaw ko makipag kita sa kaibigan ko, eh okay naman ang mukha ko. wala naman dapat ikahiya. Pakiramdam ko kasi mas angat sila kasi masmatagal sila dito. Kaya until now, Ito pa din ako, Trapped inside my own world. My mom once said, call *insert the name of I don’t even know guy here* manuod kayo ng sine, para di ka magisa” and I said, the heck, I love being alone! kulang nalang sabihin ko, Just leave my life alone, ayaw ko ng rinereto mo ako!”  I go out, but I go by myself! I watch movie alone with large popcorn and large coke beside me, I go eat at the fancy restaurant alone and while eating, looking at my front vacant seat I will realize, “Oh, Its nice to be alone but Why am I looking for someone?” Is it my fault why I’m alone? It is my fault.  I push people away and I don’t know why I am complaining that I’m alone. Sometimes, I blame my mother, Why are you working 7 days a week? That’s why You don’t have time for us? to go out with us, and suddenly, I realized that even though she’s working 7 days a week, she have a time to cook for our food, cleaning our home, making sure we ate our lunch or dinner, making packed dinner for my over night shift work, washing our clothes. I don’t even realized that she’s doing that for us, and why the fuck I’m blaming her? Kasalanan ko uli. 

Let’s go back to my insecurities, I have a lot of insecurities. specially I moved to a new place leaving the things I treasure in my place that I’m comfortable with. I need to adjust and learn the new environment and I realized, I’m not that ready to move out because I don’t have enough experience to do particular things, compare before I’m doing the things that I’m comfortable with, I thought that I’m expert of all the things and then suddenly something came up, Poof! I need to move to a different place and I don’t have a choice to leave the things I used to have. They said, Leaving your comfort zone is good because you will gain experience and learn different things that it is not existing in your past environment. Let’s just say, Let’s go out in our own world and space. Call your self an Astronaut, Go! visit other world. :)