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coming back to this 🥺

jesus fucking christ i am in so much emotional agony please just kill me or let me kill myself fuck you all

I don’t want to be soft anymore. I want to be bloody knuckles and glass shards and I want people to be afraid of hurting me.

I will never be able to be myself and that really fucking hurts

I have apologized too many times for what my sadness made me miss. I have lost friends and family because leaving the bed felt like running a marathon and the thought of actually leaving my house made me dizzy. Each time that I skipped a family event or declined an offer to go out, I tried to explain that truly I would love to but there is this darkness that lives in my head listing hundreds of reasons to stay home. that cripples me and makes me lose my breath. that makes me shake like I have just walked through a field of snow with nothing but a t shirt on. but no matter how many times I try to describe this darkness, they never understand. so I cannot apologize for what my sadness made me do anymore. and it is simply because you wouldn’t understand anyways.

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throwing up because of anxiety isn’t really how i pictured my future but i also didn’t picture me still being alive so, okay

i really fucking hate my body and i want to tear myself apart so i don’t exist anymore

I don’t want to be soft anymore. I want to be bloody knuckles and glass shards and I want people to be afraid of hurting me.