sam @kummersoul - Tumblr Blog

just talking for the sake of talking

sh and ed warning

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today was kinda shitty

everything sucked and also first my manager told me that he's very suspicious of me wearing long sleeves in this weather and then second a friend who used to cut himself and also knows i cut made a really weird comment about how its stupid to cut at our age and idk if he was just talking about himself but it really felt very directed

ughhhhhh friend sent a video into the groupchat and im in the back and my sleeves rolled up fuck my lifeeeeeeee

#like ok they know #one guy used to cut too #nobody's judging #but its STILL UGHH

sigh i havent had friends in forever and now i have 2 maybe and im already overwhelmed:/

relapsed ummmmmmm

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koiagain

"I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy" You are weak as Fuck boy

wanna get drunk idk

urghhhhhh I miss my friends snakes

#gonna ask to hang out next weekend....

valtsv

forget age gaps or differences in rank or whatever the most potently dangerous power dynamic in any relationship is "people like you more than me"

valtsv

genuinely nothing is more corrosive to love, respect, or trust than the insecurity of forever being second and last in line. of always being the plus one but never invited; always tolerated on their behalf but never wanted on your own. of knowing that nobody's jealousy or admiration is about you at all, only your place at their side. you tell them that you feel like you only exist when you're with them, and they laugh, charmed, but it isn't a figure of speech. it's not enough that they love you best if everyone else loves them better.

valtsv

okay some people are misinterpreting this as talking about people who treat you like a pity project and like they're doing you a favour by choosing you. this isn't necessarily about relationships made toxic by people who don't value you enough. this is about knowing that you're socially disposable and being unable to accept the love that you're offered because you resent how much your life depends on it.

I cant even tell you how much of a relief it can be to have mentally ill friends because its just someone who UNDERSTANDS

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I wish i could find good books or at least fics that sort of brush over self harm but dont make it the entire thing and also dont make it a huge emo depressing disaster

its like 4.30 am and im sitting on my bed in the dark with the windows open in my room and the kitchen but I cant go to sleep because im #paranoid about open windows

if there is one thing I would want to create I would use magic for WHATEVER is printing a video its genuinely on my mind so frequently

I am so fucking bored and also fucking tired but I dont want to go to sleep

im actually so annoyed some people at my job were all like. oh she and he they've cut themselves in the past thats crazy wow etc but neither of them even have scars??? which obviously doesnt mean its invalid scars fade and if you did it its valid even if it didnt leave scars but like??? i CANT even wear short sleeves. can you imagine what would happen if anyone found out

#i mean one of the two knows i 'used to' cut but they havent seen it either #fml

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clean for 3 weeks but im genuinely considering relapsing just to even it out?? make it make sense

#cause like. theres five big scars on my bicep. and it just looks stupid.

dude my manager is leaving he was the whole reason I changed to that location in the first place :/ I need to find another job im actually so serious

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