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i really wanted to delete this blog but I dont have any outlets. My parents keep sabotaging everything in my life! They hide my things, turn off my internet so I cant work or look for new jobs, they're preventing me from seeing my boyfriend. I love my boyfriend so much, I dont feel love from him though. He focuses on my body more than he does me and getting to know me. He doesnt care when I tell him things, show him my favorite songs, show him my life :( IT HURTS. I just want him to love me. It makes me so sad because im literally in love with him and he is my first real love. I believe he does love me but I don't know if he's truly in love with me like i am with him. Everything in my life is falling apart. Im trying to do the right thing but I have NOBODY. I just want to tell everyone to fuck off because they all make me want to kill myself but I cant find my gun lmao

Well I'm probably going to get fired. I tried so hard to stay strong but I still cry everyday in the bathroom. I fucking hate my life. Everything I do to try to change things just makes my situation worse and it's already bad. I feel like a prisoner. I just want to be free and the chance that I had to move out I couldn't do it because I'm scared. I wish I could be strong. I've been praying to God to give me strength but everything and everyone knocks me down and I can never catch a break. I hate complaining but I can't find the strength to move out from my toxic parents and abusive dad. And now I really can't because no other job is going to pay me like this one did even though I hated it. Everything is falling apart I'm losing hope that I can ever leave my situation and be free. What I feel right now is the worst feeling ever because I'm realizing I don't have the guts to move on and I'm scared because I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS. I don't want to die but if this is my life I can't keep going. There is nothing for me to live. I can't describe how low i feel I just want to die rn. I thought I could be strong. I fucked everything up and if nothing changes I'll just live a life of abuse lies guilt betrayal and being a prisoner or ill end up killing myself

I had sex with my friend for the first time last Friday (he is 10 years older), I enjoyed it. I thought it would be better though. I thought it would make me feel better but that lasted like 2 hours then im sad again. Realizing I just want to be loved by someone and hold me and kiss me in a way that isn't just for sex/friends with benefits. It makes me so depressed...

How do u have friends with benefits without getting attached? My friend and I already agreed that we didn't want a commited relationship, but we haven't even had sex yet and I'm getting attached. Pretty sure this is a trauma response but how do I do it? :(