Koa Na'auao

but to ignore me as we didn’t have a beautiful friendship prior to my fuck up, hurts me even more.

i deserve no sympathy; I get it. i fucked up; I know.

Dear Miguel

I don’t even know where to begin. You are such a beautiful beautiful soul. A boy who has gone through so many things and still remains the most genuine and soft human being ever. We met and we were kindered spirits. Different, but alike in so many ways. I trusted, confided and was protective of you, and you were for me. You trusted me with your deepest darkest secret knowing that I would always be there for you and that I’d never let you down, but i did. And for that I’m sorry.

At this point, you want nothing to do with me and I will respect that. I’ve beaten myself up over and over again and will continue to live with the guilt of betraying you. All week, I’ve been sitting at home crying about how much I’ve hurt you and let you down. Miguel, please know that if I could, I would go back and do it differently. You would think that someone on the receiving end of betrayal could never do that to someone else. Dark doesn’t even begin to describe how I’ve been feeling. That coupled with guilt and sadness, and no one to talk to puts you in a really bad mindset. So as a way of therapy, I’m going to write.

I will never forgive myself for what I did to you out of my own selfishness. And as I reflect on the details of your deepest darkest secret, i am once again horrified to recall what you said. We cried together that night you told me what happened to you. I felt for you, and promised you that I would not talk to him. In that moment, I SHOULD HAVE FOLLOWED THROUGH. I should not have minimized your experience because I was not experiencing him the same way. Before that convo, I was so excited to tell you about him! About how cute he was, and that we had similar interests and that he asked ME on a date. But my heart sank because I knew something was up the second I sent photos and you called me. That conversation was a double edged sword that cut me up. I truly felt for you. To hear you tremble on the phone as you recalled your story. That made me so sad. Like, FUCK! To learn that the guy you’re getting to know took advantage and raped your best friend. I know your expectation of me in that moment was to block him, and I promised you that. I should have followed through on my word right then and there and we would have never been in this predicament, but I let you down. How could I even entertain the idea of getting to know him more after what I just heard. I promise you Miguel, I tried to block him or at least push him away but my own selfishness of not getting to experience him on my own made it difficult. Especially without not being able to say anything as to why. In hindsight, I should have just done it. I should have sucked up my own feelings about this guy and delete him out of my life because of what he did to you.

You mean so much more to me than a guy I met two weeks prior, but I just couldn’t block him. At this point, i already had established a connection with him and no matter what happened, it would suck. I cancelled the date I was so excited to go on and minimized our conversations to text. And although he was wanting to hang out, we didn’t. I thankfully had travel plans to Hawaii for a few days, friends baby’s birthdays to attend to, work, etc to buy me time, but in those few weeks of texting, I selfishly gained interest in him. I don’t know if its because I felt like I wanted to see him but couldn’t, or that I was just happy to meet someone where we can talk about similar interests, but even though i did, I truly didn’t mean to disrespect you by befriending him. I didn’t mean to ignore what he did to you and I honestly wished that you either told me this in the beginning before I got to know him, or not at all. That conversation put me in a really difficult position. One that is now clear, but I just couldn’t do then.

Regardless, It should have always been you. And I’m not just realizing this after finding out he doesn’t want me. It should have always been you from the beginning. My soulmate, bestie, person i knew longer, had better connection with, relied on, told everything to, etc. I can’t sit here and continue to try and justify my actions because I should have known from the beginning that this was going to end bad. And it did. I texted you “i miss you” because I really needed someone to talk to in that moment. I had just been humiliated and embarrassed to have gone to an event for one of our friends only to have him ditch me for like 45 minutes and find him making out with someone. So i left in shame. Now I’m left here in the same feeling I had all along; alone and empty with nothing to show for it except guilt, shame and a flawed character. Betraying my best friend to get to know a guy who hurt him all because of my selfishness and inability to put mind before heart. It was common sense to block him after hearing what he did to you, but I felt bad and couldnt. I know I shouldn’t be pursuing this man, but we have so much in common and i just wanted attention. It doesn’t even make sense to me why I did what I did, but if there’s one thing I’ve learned, I will never do this to someone again. Reliving over and over and over again how you should have done it differently, knowing that you could have done better and that you didn’t, really hurts. Point. Blank. Period. I was selfish and didn’t consider the full gravity of what happened to you in any of those moments; something I deeply regret.

Miguel, you’ll never understand how sorry I am until we talk in person. I know what I did was so fucked up. It hurts me to recall all the times you’ve told me about someone who has hurt you, or to have seen you hurt, and then turn around and do that to you. It fucking sucks to see you pull back from me when all you’ve done was dive into our friendship. And to know I was one of the closest to you, and i blew it. I will never forgive myself for adding more hurt to your heart. Unfortunately, I cannot take back the past, but can learn from it. And although I’ve never been in this situation, I’m trying to navigate this as best as I can and do better.

I truly am sorry, Miguel. I am sorry I hurt you, and betrayed your trust all for a guy who hurt you. I take full accountability of my actions and hope that one day, even if we cannot be friends, you’d find it in your beautiful heart to forgive me. I have all the regrets in now knowing that our friendship will never be the same and that I cease to exist in your life because of this one selfish mistake. All the plans we made, talks about being roommates and trips gone in an instant. No warm hugs, no cancer/scorpio bond; none of it.