Oh man, I really hate when they announce reboots or remakes. Honestly, I don't know what the difference is. Anyways, it's always a one two sucker punch. First of all, there's always the fan outcry. There's that one crybaby who says they are going to ruin their childhood with it. Really? Their entire childhood relied on whether or not some studio was going to remake their favorite movie? Yeah, hate to say it, but that childhood was long ruined before Michael Bay ever touched it. You say, âOh, they don't really mean that. They are just over exaggeratingâ. Hmm, then why do they brow beat everyone who mentions it. Why do they go out of their way and stand up on a platform shaking their finger and crying out about why the movie is so terrible before it's even released? I've heard this backlash against, Ninja Turtles, Star Trek, Transformers and everything else that has been remade. They honestly believe this remake will damage this licensed properties reputation. I remember when Ninja Turtles went on tour and danced on stage after they went back in time. I remember Star Trek having a whole plot based on the whole Save the Whales campaign of the 80's. Transformers is a toy which used cartoons to promote their product. Thirty minute long advertisements aimed at kids! Now, if I so much as see a humpback whale share the same scene with the enterprise or a ninja turtle reach for a microphone, I will join in and make a kill list. Besides, it isn't like they are going to have a Berlin book burning event to kickoff the release of the reboot. In fact, they will actually release the previous installments in another shiny package with even more special never before who-gives-a-fuck-does-anyone-actually-watch-this footage. However, I would rather these studios actually have a book burning event and publicly apologize for Voyage Home, Turtles in Time, Batman & Robin, Rise of the Silver Surfer and have a ceremony where we all toss in those atrocities of Hollywood. Then we finally get our validation and we can cry on Arnold's shoulder and say, âthere there, I will always see you as the Terminatorâ.
Then there's the horrifying aspect of why are we making this reboot in the first place? Seriously, why are did they remake a movie about Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Let me digress and deconstruct this for a bit. Although we've seen Teenage Mutants prance about Marvel for the last century, what about the Ninja Turtle part screams hero? Ninja's weren't heros. They were trained assassins who backstabbed Feudal lords in the middle of the night. Ninja isn't even a word. The correct word is Shinobi. Ninja = dumb ethnocentric Americans making up words to misrepresent other cultures. Some of you might be saying, âhey man, they represent honor, tradition, and familyâ. Nope, those are Japanese samurais not Chinese Shinobis.
Yeah, moving on. And then there's the turtle part. What bong and shroom pizza hallucination was Eastman on when he looked at a turtle and thought, âhey, I bet turtles would be amazing at martial artsâ. The same creature when you flip it on its back it will helplessly squirm until it eventually dies. Look, if you're remaking a story based on animals where it could ârealisticallyâ end with, âand then Shredder pushed all the turtles onto their backs and set out a sticky trap for splinter. The Endâ, it might be time for the producers to wonder if it's worth shelling out 200 million dollars. Granted, before his Ninja Turtles fame, Kevin Eastman put out a titillating movie full of ass and heavy metal cleverly titled, Heavy Metal.
Regardless, don't tell me this guy who looks like that psycho weasel from Roger Rabbit defined your childhood. He might not even be a good role model for a midlife crisis. What he should serve as inspiration. No matter how batshit crazy your pitch might sound, there's always some talented agent out there who can turn it into a billion dollar franchise for kids.
Despite that lesson, somehow hollywood has ran out of bottom of the barrel ideas, and they are to the point where they need to remake these properties. Â
blakekathryn
gracieabrams
jacobvanloon
romaincrisis
tangentwithtanner
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