A Collection of Thoughts

For where except Onto do while If raise foo Bar system compile

Where union true And or having false Select def in while With elif yield

Stones hinge on a starlit sky Leaving questions on my tracing fingers As if the Sun came by to say hello One last time

And yet the fear of oblivion Is as distant as an orca Riding the waves of a silent night, Ticking away at the cosmos One blip at a time

I shiver in front of majesty Under a thought I do not know For all the cries in a vacuum Only one shall meet my tone

Frigid blades cut through the starlight As if time had stopped to say hello Like a friendly groundhog in the morning I dared not look into the depths below

However tempting a glance may be It can never reach my soul As countless echoes reach my ear The senses double and roll

Until a roar splits like thunder Crashing into spastic harmony Like a glass bell shattering On the tip of an iceberg

Let’s pretend I have a diary.

My life is a mess. It’s a series of blind leaps where I just fumble because I’m too afraid of doing the wrong thing. I mean, I’ve been fixated on changing myself all my life. This is no different.

I’ve surrounded myself with people who don’t fit role models for how I want to change, but they’re successful in their own right. I don’t know how to be successful. If I was successful I would only be thinking about how to make more success. I’m also a hypocrite about it because I think stagnating on the end of a rainbow will make me happy, but the truth is that I’m miserable unless I’m constantly experiencing new things.

And that’s why I’m miserable. I’ve got social anxiety and depression likes to threaten me when something goes horribly wrong, so I don’t give off the vibe of being adventurous and social. I’ve somehow become content with video games and media being a way to constantly experience new things. It’s something generations before me never had to deal with

I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m struggling to find my own identity like a penguin navigating a rain forest. Is it ok to put so much of my life into video games and media? Am I being social enough? Am I healthy enough? Do I look the way I’m supposed to? How much focus should I put in school and work?

There’s no one to answer those questions for me. I’m an adult now, and I’m just supposed to have life figured out. But the hard crash of reality is that I don’t, and I have a feeling that no one else does either.

Keep moving forward,

pretty is me but them all the way across the aisle covering me in silk like a bush of thorns

As if the glass could speak Look at me in the eyes And slide a comb through like raking a glass of syrup

Just touch me anywhere but me crackling over them like a thousand sunsets monochromed a tiny slit

Flapping their wings like razor claws, tippity tapping tiny ants all over my face they bite them not me

I’m losing me. I’m losing me like a fire under sprinklers. I have time to crawl back out from the depths, but then I’m reminded. There’s still food down there.

When I look at myself in the mirror I don’t see someone who is ugly, but then I walk outside and ask myself why I’m not better, why I’m not me.

And all the equations in the world can’t save me from that because every problem I solve reminds me of two more. I’m trapped in this endless spiral like a paper airplane on heavy breaths. I have to do more because the alternative is to do less.

I told myself that I would be better every day, but better has been every color of the rainbow at once. I’m swallowed by pitch black as I consume more and more vibrant colors telling myself that everything will be ok.