since getting diagnosed w bpd, i have learned to handle some things better. but i also am more confused and hopeless. and empty
i was so heartbroken but then iām starting to feel like no one will ever be good enough for me. and iām also confused and donāt know if i want anyone. but why does bpd have to come with impulsiveness, why do i do this shit to myself. why do i put myself into situations that are fucking weird. i put myself into situations that are uncomfortable to deal with.
do i want him or no. do i like this job or no. do i want to move or no? my feelings change daily, i canāt even progress anywhere bc no decision is clear.
i donāt even like myself sober, me sober vs me with a clear mind, is so different. i donāt even realize how i feel until i smoke & process everything. i feel like i should honestly be alone, not allow myself to be around new people and not put myself in their lives just to ruin them. i wish i didnāt, people do me so dirty and i think to myself āhow can you do this to someone who loves youā and ive done shit like that. iāve done that to people, the shit that scarred me and gave me emotional trauma.
i canāt even bring myself to talk about it. i went to therapy and purposely left out details. i pay her for help and canāt even be honest.
iāve been thinking, are there other universes? when you die, do you go to another universe/timeline? can you transport to other planes? sometimes i get thinking how bad i want to jump timelines. and if i dont and i just die then whatever iāll be dead. i also canāt leave my dogs as stupid as that sounds. i canāt leave and chance not having them. and i know the possibilities of switching and ending up worse still exists. and me in this universe probably isnāt me in another. other me might not be spiritual and know thereās ways to go where you want. iāll probably research if it has anything to do with awakening your third eye. maybe iām crazy.