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@krrisstttayyyyy
how do i fix myself?
i want to be a good person. i want to do right by myself and my friends and family
but iām so insecure when it comes to vulnerability. i canāt tell someone iām mad, or sad. i canāt tell anyone what hurts me. i canāt do anything and when i do, i regret it. i donāt want people to know my life. i donāt want people to know what i allow and what i do. i always feel just fucking stupid and embarrassed
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why canāt i ever be okay with anything? no one is good enough. i never have enough money. my friends arenāt good enough. attention i get isnāt enough. work isnāt good enough.
is it a bpd thing or am i just not that great of a person?
why do i keep wanting attention from someone, then itās not good enough. why do i keep thinking i they could be all i ever need, and they just suddenly arenāt anymore. but the ones that left me, i canāt seem to stop obsessing over. i canāt seem to let them go. only because it wasnāt on MY terms
how do i stop allowing myself into other peoples lives and then leaving. how do i stop getting attached to them within the hour and the next day decide that i shouldnāt have done that. i know thatās not cool. idk how to not do that.
fuck i just hate myself. i hate that i have a perfect idea of what i want, who, what life should look like, how i should feel. and i canāt get there. i canāt quite correlate those feelings to my decisions
god iām so fucking bad witb change. and iām constantly putting myself in situations that require me to make tough decisions that will chose a different path every time.
since getting diagnosed w bpd, i have learned to handle some things better. but i also am more confused and hopeless. and empty
i was so heartbroken but then iām starting to feel like no one will ever be good enough for me. and iām also confused and donāt know if i want anyone. but why does bpd have to come with impulsiveness, why do i do this shit to myself. why do i put myself into situations that are fucking weird. i put myself into situations that are uncomfortable to deal with.
do i want him or no. do i like this job or no. do i want to move or no? my feelings change daily, i canāt even progress anywhere bc no decision is clear.
i donāt even like myself sober, me sober vs me with a clear mind, is so different. i donāt even realize how i feel until i smoke & process everything. i feel like i should honestly be alone, not allow myself to be around new people and not put myself in their lives just to ruin them. i wish i didnāt, people do me so dirty and i think to myself āhow can you do this to someone who loves youā and ive done shit like that. iāve done that to people, the shit that scarred me and gave me emotional trauma.
i canāt even bring myself to talk about it. i went to therapy and purposely left out details. i pay her for help and canāt even be honest.
iāve been thinking, are there other universes? when you die, do you go to another universe/timeline? can you transport to other planes? sometimes i get thinking how bad i want to jump timelines. and if i dont and i just die then whatever iāll be dead. i also canāt leave my dogs as stupid as that sounds. i canāt leave and chance not having them. and i know the possibilities of switching and ending up worse still exists. and me in this universe probably isnāt me in another. other me might not be spiritual and know thereās ways to go where you want. iāll probably research if it has anything to do with awakening your third eye. maybe iām crazy.
getting to the point where i donāt want to b w anyone. be near anyone. talk to anyone. be anywhere. be alive. donāt wanna work. literally only wanna be w my nieces & my dogs
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i love that i got diagnosed w bpd, started to think maybe since i know what it is that iād be able to handle it. shit goes good for two days and it takes me doing something dumb to ruin my whole mental health. fuck this sucks.
6.21.2021
every time people come to my house, that reminds me why i donāt fucking my want people at my house
i donāt think iām sad, i just feel empty
i donāt want to feel anymore
thinking about when i was suicidal and iād sit on the shower floor and tell myself i wasnāt getting out until i wouldnāt go overdose. and iād sit there until the water ran cold and i had no more tears.
or iād go for a drive and i wouldnāt go home until i felt like i could walk in my house without screaming. until i knew i wouldnāt go home and kill myself.
i wish i could say iāve progressed but that was not even a month ago. i felt so deeply... a month ago. i feel so sorry for myself. it makes me sick to think other people feel that way too ļæ¼
the last three days iāve sat in the shower til the water ran cold and i ran out of tears. whereās the progress
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i wish you never had the power to make me feeling anything
thereās so many girls that i feel bad for bc their man goes behind their back and posts things they canāt see. they have social media their girlfriends donāt know about. they pay for girls only fans and like naked pictures of girls who are prettier than them.
i always fucking feel bad for them because they donāt even know what goes on, and if that goes on, who knows what else theyāre doing. who knows if theyāre talking to other girls and meeting up with them too since theyāre openly cheating where their girlfriends canāt see.
and i never wanna be that fucking girl. thatās so embarrassing and thatās so fucking shitty of those dudes to do.
i wish i knew how iām supposed to feel
a lot of days, the only thing keeping me alive is my nieces. they are all that i feel like i truly have. they love me endlessly, they trust me, they feel safe with me. they are the only ones who would probably break if i left and thatās what keeps me alive.
donāt know wtf iād do without them.
canāt really decide if i want to be alone. or what i want. iām so sad. actually iām empty. iām hardly sad, or mad anymore. i just feel nothing. and thatās so much worse.
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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i am more than my mental illness. i am more than my mental illness. i am more
i have a lot of feelings