ask the crowfather :)

I was just minding my own-

I am so serious right now. If you wake Bob up, you won’t like what I do. He’s not young, these days, he needs his rest.

Okay? Okay.

Anyway. I was minding my own business. I was a fairly young mimic, I’d just really sort of settled into my first good morph. When you’re really young, freshly spawned, you sort of rotate through things, and you don’t quite get it right, most of the time.

It’s like learning how to walk for people, I think. You’re small, you don’t quite know what you’re doing… it’s a whole thing.

And I went chair. Now, that’s very exciting. Chairs aren’t a common mimic morph. For whatever reason- the gods? who knows?- most mimics end up containers. Trunks, chests, drawers, wardrobes, I had a cousin who was a barrel.

Chair, though, that’s good, though. No barbarian is gonna poke through your insides looking for loose change if you’re a good sturdy wooden chair. You might get sat on, but, heck, we’re pretty sturdy as a species. No big deal. And, honestly, easier to get some food.

Wha- no, we don’t eat people. We don’t eat flesh, that’s gross. We absorb magic. It’s why we tend to spawn in dungeons, lots of magic there. Though I pity the poor mimic clans that end up in a necromancer dungeon. Ugh.

Most adventurers have magic items on them, you absorb a little energy and get sat on for a bit, no big deal, easy meal. And you get a little variety in your diet, win for everybody.

Sure, we kill people from time to time. But let me ask you this: If you were just at home, minding your own business, and some big guy with no neck bristling with swords came along, bust into your house, walked into your room, and reached into one of your orifices to find valuables, you might take averse to that, don’t you think? It’s not like people don’t know about mimics. Take a little care, you know?

Anyway, I was still pretty young. I’d just settled into my morph. And this guy comes along and, you guessed it, no neck, bristling with swords. And he claps eyes on me and just stops, and stares, and I was like- kinda panicking, right? I’m thinking I messed up the morph, and he’s clocked me and now I’m gonna have to fight this guy.

And then he nudges his buddy and says ‘Hey, hey Jim, ain’t that the most beautiful chair you’ve ever seen in your life?’

And Jim’s like ‘yeah it’s a nice chair so what?’ and Bob- that’s the guy with no neck- he says ‘no, look at it! it’s gorgeous!’

I tell you, if I coulda blushed, I’d have been cherry red from top to bottom. When you first start to settle into a morph, you feel a little self-conscious, you know? You’re just starting to figure yourself out, and someone comes along and just says the nicest things. And he went on for a while. I was so flattered, best day of my life, aside from my first spawning.

Jim says ‘well just bring the damn thing! we have shit to do!’ so Bob does! Just picks me up and straps me to his back, and off we went.

And I went lots of interesting places, met some interesting people. I even ended up doing the watch at night a couple of times. Because Jim, sometimes he has this thing where he just falls asleep, he can’t help it, it’s not his fault. I had to help them out a couple of times. I was fond of the guy, you know? And most mimics don’t get to be part of adventuring parties, it’s just not done, so it was really neat to feel like I was a part of things.

Jim and Bob and their buddy Wade, they end up saving the kingdom, and they all go their separate ways. Bob went back to his home village- that’s here- bought a building, put me in the middle, and said ‘this is gonna be my tavern’. He hangs up his magical weapons around the bar- don’t bother with that, buddy, that glass is tougher than your ax, I promise.

Anyway, I’ve got plenty to eat. I even spawned a couple of times, helped fill out the place. I figure, save him a little money, I start my own clan, and there’s plenty of ambient magic to go around, the place is lively, better than some manky old dungeon any day, right?

Bob, he never quite figured it out. I think Jim was onto me, but Bob- he’s not bright. But he’s just the nicest guy, you know? He’s always got a kind word for someone. He’ll give you the shirt off his back. If you show up here hungry with no money, he feeds you, and often he’ll make sure you get some place to sleep and a job, if you’re looking. Everybody loves Bob.

And I really like people, that’s something I figured out about myself. I like the atmosphere here, too, there’s always new stories to hear. I’ve learned a lot, over the years, I’ll tell you what.

Now Bob, he’s not young anymore, and his kids well- they’re not the adventuring sort, as I think you have already sussed out. But they don’t need to fight, you know? That’s not the kinda life they need to lead.

So, bearing all that in mind, here’s the deal. You got two options. One- put everything down- nice and easy, mind- and leave, lock the door behind you, and this never happened. No harm, no foul.

Or… you can find out just how many times I’ve spawned.

Thanks for reading! If you enjoyed this one and want to help support me, here’s a link to my ko-fi! If like this story and you want to read more, here is my masterpost, currently updated with all of my tumblr ficlets.

It's just so perfect. The amount of blackout text. The fact it works without additions. The succinctness of the phrase. The palaeontology basis. The way it implies that tetrapods only left the water and evolved in 1562.

i just- do you have a minute to talk? it's about.. you know.

- (@askpresidentsoot)

[He's sitting up in bed, wings folded neatly behind him as he cradles a large book in his lap. It's much bigger than any of the luggage he brought, and it's not from L'Manberg's library. How.]

Oh- uh. Hey, mate.

[With some effort, he closes the book and sets it on the makeshift dresser of stacked boxes.]

Yeah. Yeah, we do need to talk about that, don't we.

[The sight still lingers in his mind. Burned, broken, bleeding. More pain branded on his son than he'd hoped to ever see.]

...Well, I-

[he moves from hovering awkwardly in the doorway to awkwardly standing in the middle of the room, hesitantly taking off his jacket and letting his wings open a bit from where they were squished against his back. the bandages look neat enough to have been redone recently, but they’re already spotted with red in some parts. if possible, the overall condition looks worse than the first time.]

i need you to be honest with me on this. is there a way to fix them?

.... I don’t know.

I mean, I think so- but there’s a lot of- you’ve taken quite a bit of damage. 

[He turns his eyes back down to his lap, uncomfortable.]

[he drapes the jacket back over his shoulders- not putting his arms through the sleeves, but clearly more comfortable with his wings at least partially hidden.]

it helped with the pain a little, but didn't do anything for the actual injuries. the only variable that seems to have any real effect is- stress levels.

Well then, I’ll brew up some more potions for you, and we’ll just have to lower your stress levels. Shouldn’t be too hard. At least a couple days of rest would do you wonders, I bet.

a couple days? i don’t have that kind of time to take off, and it’s not necessary. i’m not that stressed.

[aware of exactly how believable that is, he amends his statement.]

I've run countries too, Wil. It's a stressful fucking job, and it takes a very strong man to shoulder the burden of leadership. You've done a great job so far, but... it's okay to take a bit of a rest, mate. Working yourself to the bone isn't going to help you or your country.

Your cabinet members can take over while you're off the job, yeah? And if there's an emergency you can come right back. Just...

[He takes on an almost pleading tone.]

Show me around. Show me all you've built. Enjoy the country with me, see it from your citizens' perspective. Just for a day or two.

- ( @asktechnoblade )

- ( @asktechnoblade )

i just- do you have a minute to talk? it's about.. you know.

- (@askpresidentsoot)

[He's sitting up in bed, wings folded neatly behind him as he cradles a large book in his lap. It's much bigger than any of the luggage he brought, and it's not from L'Manberg's library. How.]

Oh- uh. Hey, mate.

[With some effort, he closes the book and sets it on the makeshift dresser of stacked boxes.]

Yeah. Yeah, we do need to talk about that, don't we.

[The sight still lingers in his mind. Burned, broken, bleeding. More pain branded on his son than he'd hoped to ever see.]

...Well, I-

[he moves from hovering awkwardly in the doorway to awkwardly standing in the middle of the room, hesitantly taking off his jacket and letting his wings open a bit from where they were squished against his back. the bandages look neat enough to have been redone recently, but they’re already spotted with red in some parts. if possible, the overall condition looks worse than the first time.]

i need you to be honest with me on this. is there a way to fix them?

.... I don’t know.

I mean, I think so- but there’s a lot of- you’ve taken quite a bit of damage. 

[He turns his eyes back down to his lap, uncomfortable.]

[he drapes the jacket back over his shoulders- not putting his arms through the sleeves, but clearly more comfortable with his wings at least partially hidden.]

it helped with the pain a little, but didn't do anything for the actual injuries. the only variable that seems to have any real effect is- stress levels.

Well then, I’ll brew up some more potions for you, and we’ll just have to lower your stress levels. Shouldn’t be too hard. At least a couple days of rest would do you wonders, I bet.

i just- do you have a minute to talk? it's about.. you know.

- (@askpresidentsoot)

[He's sitting up in bed, wings folded neatly behind him as he cradles a large book in his lap. It's much bigger than any of the luggage he brought, and it's not from L'Manberg's library. How.]

Oh- uh. Hey, mate.

[With some effort, he closes the book and sets it on the makeshift dresser of stacked boxes.]

Yeah. Yeah, we do need to talk about that, don't we.

[The sight still lingers in his mind. Burned, broken, bleeding. More pain branded on his son than he'd hoped to ever see.]

...Well, I-

[he moves from hovering awkwardly in the doorway to awkwardly standing in the middle of the room, hesitantly taking off his jacket and letting his wings open a bit from where they were squished against his back. the bandages look neat enough to have been redone recently, but they’re already spotted with red in some parts. if possible, the overall condition looks worse than the first time.]

i need you to be honest with me on this. is there a way to fix them?

.... I don’t know.

I mean, I think so- but there’s a lot of- you’ve taken quite a bit of damage. 

[He turns his eyes back down to his lap, uncomfortable.]