spring-born lamb

10-27-2014:

the moment i first fell into heavy self-harm; i technically have been self-harming in other ways my entire life, but something like cutting is different. more serious, more dangerous. i saw a bright red pocket knife after i collapsed on the floor and broke down, the toxic relationship with my father only getting worse, and i did think to myself, "i should try this." the next day, it was all i could think about.

12-28-2014

i already full fell into self-harm by this point. an extremely fast downward spiral. at one point i had cut myself across the bridge of my nose. since the face has a lot of tiny blood vessels, it bled easily, so i kept re-opening it, instead of cutting on other places of my body. after a serious breakdown, i went too hard with it until i could see my cartilage, and i bled so much that i got lightheaded and collapsed to the floor, passed out. probably because of the pain, too. i've drawn this moment in my life a lot, actually, but i haven't ever talked about it. i always remember it as the moment i was too far to stop.

01-25-2015

i tried to overdose, but i got scared and called for help. i wasn't ready to die. it hurt a lot, i can barely remember this moment because of how disconnected i felt from my body. but i remember how it felt inside me to this day. i used cough syrup in my overdose cocktail and i can barely manage to use it when i need it, because i feel that burning again each time.

01-26-2015:

after 12 hours being held at the hospital, they transported me to a youth psych ward. i was still in shock, so i couldn't fully process what was happening. it hadn't hit me until i tried to sleep the first night. the bed felt nothing like my bed and the future felt uncertain.

02-27-2015:

after i was discharged from the psych ward, i decided i wanted to change my appearance. i cut my bangs and dyed my hair bright blue. someone at the hospital said i'd look good with my hair dyed. if people were looking at my hair, they wouldn't look at the rest of me.

03-31-2015:

i started to fear my own safety with myself, so i asked to be sent back to the psych ward, where i could be monitored. my brain was so scrambled. there was a point where i took a "cute" selfie in my gown, injuries visible, like i was somewhere completely different. i consider this moment to be the beginning of a manic episode, that slowly turned into a psychotic one.

04-13-2015:

some girl was causing problems with me in the hospital and nobody would help. i called my father-- who is part of my problem-- to vent to him, like truly out of options. it turned into a fight where he said the more vile things to me. i went up to my room and tried to find something to hurt myself so i could calm down, so it was a friction burn with an eraser. this moment represents just how addicting self-harm can be, not a lot of people know this. and the imagery of me hurting myself with an eraser is so strong in hindsight. the quote on the notebook paper is a sentence pulled from my diary as this was happening.

07-24-2015:

i had enough of the abuse and decided to cut my dad off. i exited the car, telling him that he, "was never going to change, and he'd have no one." while leaning into the passenger seat's window. the one i finally left. it was such a triumphant moment for me, but there was a foreboding energy that i couldn't see at the time.

08-23-2015

i finally hit my boiling point. angry, grieving, off my medication, and in full blown manic-psychosis. i got into a fight with my sister that resulted in her driving away and leaving me locked outside. my body went cold with anger, i shed my life, my future. with scorching focus, i decided i was going to end it all. like how blue fire is hotter than red fire. this was remarkably different from the previous suicide attempt. there was not a moment where i even considered stopping. i didn't even write a proper note or anything. i posted a short post on my tumblr and then got to work. like it was the most normal thing in the world. i was moving without control, so determined at i ripped out her air conditioning and broke into her house. i found the gun in her closet and tried to use it. but the gun didn't work, no matter how i tried. my dad knew my tumblr and he happened to see my post, so my sister went rushing back and called the police. the red and blue lights.

09-11-2015: