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Amazing show! See you there #graciaschristmascantata #GMF #longbeach http://thndr.me/cjMCPa

I just supported 2017 Gracias Christmas Cantata on @ThunderclapIt

Pretty much that right there. Half the time right now my brain just says: You just have to accept being this fat and squishy right now and focus on other things. The other half of the time it is like: Ahahahha oh no,**** this. No. Time to just...no just... and then it kind of gets drowned out...and then repeat. What tends to bother me though is the FEELING that the ED is more right or desirable. That is, as if I want it to overpower me and have no choice. At the same time...Hell no. I recognize at the same time I don't have to align or try to change the feeling. but it's just weird feeling. #cognitivedissonance (?) #Faith #ActuallyED #AdultswithEDs #eatingdisorderrecovery #OCDrecovery #anxietydisorder #perception #mentalhealth #mindfulness

Time to go to work as a massage therapist when it feels like I need a massage because idk why I woke up with my neck and shoulder hurting and my brain saying, "Look up the symptoms of meningitis." 😂 But seriously I have a difficult time spending to get worked on myself and/or thinking it is "worth it" oh well. When I get there, God willing, He'll give me strength. I sometimes contemplate "resting" but in my mind can't justify how or why I need more rest at times....okay time to go. #Faith #ActuallyED #AdultswithEDs #EDrecovery #eatingdisorderrecovery #OCDrecovery #anxietydisorder #perception #mentalhealth #mindfulness

Sometimes I reaaaaallly don't understand Gramm's logic. Her and my aunt went to Solvang on Sunday and stopped at Pea Soup Anderson's. They brought home the pea soup but Gramm was also like, "Look I brought you home these cookies at a treat. I bought two chocolate chip and two peanut butter for you." While I am just like: 😕 Then this morning she was eating half of one with coffee and asked if I wasn't going to take one to school with me. I just had to straight out ask why she thought I would. Why would she think I want them and as if I ever eat them. Maybe it is because she has seen me eat or take Lenny and Larry's cookies but for one: those things still scare me because it doesn't matter what, sugar and caloric density. Two, their not even real cookies. Part way between cookie and glorified protein bar. Three...eh. So then when it comes to these: Calories. Unknown calories. Ahahaha. I know how many a Subway cookie that is even smaller has and...no. Secondly cookies and other desserts are for the most part (actually all foods pretty much?) over rated and just eh. This though I recognize it probably skewed in some matter due to ED anxiety. But really. What was she thinking. I am trying to think back to some childhood memory if we had fondness for cookies, but nothing comes to mind. #random #why #ActuallyED #AdultswithEDs

#thoughts #mindfulness #reflection #life #perception

Today....Okay. I guess. I mean a bunch of little disordered anxieties and such. Meh. I got that puffy edema feel that has me think "cortisol" and how *fat* I am getting. And how when people post saying how much weight they gained from their lowest to now and it is about as much or less than how much I have gained and are like a foot taller, ED be like, "This must mean you are really fat now." and me being like..Ahuh. Yeah I know. 😂😑😕😶 #ActuallyED #AdultswithEDs #EDrecovery #eatingdisorderrecovery #OCDrecovery #anxietydisorder #perception #mentalhealth

#Repost @owlturdcomix with @repostapp ・・・ #ActuallyED #AdultswithEDs #EDrecovery #eatingdisorderrecovery #OCDrecovery #anxietydisorder #perception #mentalhealth

Decided to challenge myself and spend money and eat out....After calculating and looking up nutrition facts, but still. 😛 ED actually got kind of mad seeing gluten free crust was 50 calories less but I never tried their's and just went with original crust. #Faith #ActuallyED #AdultswithEDs #EDrecovery #eatingdisorderrecovery #OCDrecovery #anxietydisorder #perception #mentalhealth #intake (at Blaze Pizza)

Fork ED wanted me to use. Fork I used. Little **** like this is annoying. It wants me to use the larger one because it is heavier and burns more calories in a way. And you're saying but that's not even noticable. And it is saying, yes that is why. Also then felt some irony when some use baby, toddler utensils and dishes. I have felt the urge to do stuff like that at times to but eh. Either was same thing driving it. Different reasons it tries to use. #Faith #Awareness #mindfulness #ActuallyED #AdultswithEDs #EDrecovery #eatingdisorderrecovery #OCDrecovery #anxietydisorder #perception #mentalhealth

[From @lovefat01 's blog] Not just "overshoot" but saying I really don't want to be my pre-ED weight. Lower. Stereotyped carbon copy eating disordered thought I am having right now: "Why does *everyone* else that recovers or recovering get to be skinny and lithe while still being free and eating a lot of different things while I get to be a lard *** and afraid of food still and fear being sedentary." 🍦 *contrast to all the HCLF, Ketogenic, HFLC, diet foods, IIFYM, lift heavy low cardio, high cardio light weights, hot yoga, running miles, "healthy weight gain" trying to gain only muscle and minimal to no fat....* Another "confession": When I see other people who are "recovered" or "recovering" and not lithe and thin while eating "normal", or what may seem as unhealthy foods in various spheres, my ED gets disgusted, followed by "How can you do that?" and then some weird brain washing occurs. Like my brain says "because they're actually recovered" the other is like "but even outside the ED aren't you not supposed to do that?" Then again societal acceptance does not mean something is or is not right. #owmybrain #ActuallyED #AdultswithEDs #EDrecovery #eatingdisorderrecovery #OCDrecovery #anxietydisorder #perception #mentalhealth

@markwfreeman maybe just getting used to being wet first. 😁 #mindfulness #feelings #ActuallyED #AdultswithEDs #EDrecovery #eatingdisorderrecovery #OCDrecovery #anxietydisorder #perception #mentalhealth

#deepdarkfears and maybe also kind of true. I don't really know because "hunger" and "appetite" and what a body "needs" is all questionably debatable in my mind. Anyways... Work from afternoon until night. Weight gain and food intake nagging at my brain per usual. Also have to get a rough draft done for my new class. Morton's Neuroma.... this'll be fun...if I can sit down long enough and get my brain to focus and come together. #ActuallyED #AdultswithEDs #EDrecovery #eatingdisorderrecovery #OCDrecovery #anxietydisorder #perception #mentalhealth

Pretty much. Back in class today and with that feeling the almost foreign anxiety of being there with nothing to really quell it in my mind. Secondly, my brain silently screaming over the fear of the company holiday party. No idea on the food what so ever. No idea. No idea if I should eat like normal before hand or eat less and then eat more there or just eat like normal and take a back up plan as to what to eat if I can't eat anything there. Or just go without and no back up plan and assume I can; but then worry about that blowing up in my face. Meh. Life as I know it. And yet this morning feeling a weird freeing calmness around things I hadn't in so long. Hm. Got to pray on this. Or read the Bible. Or both. #Faith #ActuallyED #AdultswithEDs #EDrecovery #eatingdisorderrecovery #OCDrecovery #anxietydisorder #perception #mentalhealth

Walking around taking in the various New Years Festivities. Haven't really paused to consider if it has any significance to me. After all every day can possibly be the start of something new. #thoughts #ActuallyED #AdultswithEDs #anxietydisorder #OCDrecovery #eatingdisorderrecovery #EDrecovery #perception (at Japanese American Cultural & Community Center - JACCC)

Gramm and I "made" footballs (made rice, sugar and vinegar and stuffed the age) Gramm at ozoni, "You have to have some too. I made your mochi" "No I don't like ozoni, or mochi. It doesn't taste like anything." "It's not supposed to. You're just supposed to eat it." 😂😶 Then Gramm got this weird sriracha sushi. IDk. Won't say anything until I try it later I guess. Lol. #newyears #shougatsu #正月