KRΛΛSSNBRG

The good news is that USPS has put considerable effort into a new tracking system. 

The bad news is they might have overcorrected. 

I signed up for email notifications for the status of my package. I’ve been getting 4 emails a day telling me where the box is. I didn’t think there was such a thing as too much tracking information, but they are giving it their best shot. 

I’m worried my inbox is going to label them as spam soon.

Dave just ran your package to the conveyor!

Your package is on the truck.

Steve is filling the truck with fuel. Pretty sure it’s diesel. 

We can confirm it was diesel. 

Steve just crossed the state line. If your package was contraband you have now committed a federal crime.

Your package is at a rest stop. Steve was sleepy.

Steve is back on the road! Currently listening to Fallout Boy. Do you like their new song? I think it’s catchy.

Your package is now in Canada.

Just kidding! It’s in Kansas.

Steve is on your street!

Steve is in your driveway!

Steve is at your door!

Knock knock. 

Who’s there? 

Your package! 

Your package who? 

Orange you glad I didn’t say banana? Also, sign here.

Mission accomplished. Enjoy that dildo.

Just kidding. We don’t know if it is a dildo. The x-ray was inconclusive.