A measure of peace

I feel scared, and it is normal. It's something I have missed while being stuck in the comfort zone. How to work properly, how to behave, how to show up every day with some standard. To get to the next level feels harder than before. Perhaps I need some time and new experiences.

Memang ada kebingungan tentang pemaknaan ini, karena dibesarkan dengan cara yang terbatas. Tapi itulah yang hanya bisa diberikan orang tua. Selanjutnya, apa yang kita ingin benar cari, harus secara mandiri untuk didapatkan. Kemandirian ini pun mesti dibekali dengan confidence dan juga feasibility, yang mana yang terakhir adalah hal yang aku abaikan -- Seakan-akan aku bisa mendekati siapapun tanpa berkaca, seolah ia tidak bisa memukul balik.

Konsultasiku dengan ahli menghasilkan kesimpulan bahwa memang pembawaan diriku yang menurunkan kesuksesan untuk dicintai. Mungkin faktor internal dan eksternal, jalan hidupku yang membuatku menutup diri, tidak mau jujur pada orang karena aku sendiri pun menuntut diri ini. Semestinya, dengan menyayangi diri tanpa tuntutan, aku menarik perhatian orang-prang berbeda. Orang yang bisa enjoy sama keadaan, bahkan keadaan aku yang memang masih berkembang.

I am at a crossroads again. After several months of performing mundane tasks, I just feel tired. Is this what I want?

I forgot her touch, the one I missed so much. Here I am, having setbacks for the upcoming months, and I miss her more than ever. I want to say that I need her.

Perhaps some of you know my story. I've been unlucky with love. Recently, I was getting close to a friend, and I've been missing her for weeks. It doesn't feel lonely, but I admit it's getting quiet for some time. I feel anxious if the love is unrequited, so I cope with it, using a sense of avoidant. While I'm waiting, I'm writing this to regulate my feelings. I am waiting for her so we can get a date later.

If I were being given a chance to turn back to the past, especially in 2015, would I picked it?

Lets see what happened in 2015:

I lost someone to somebody else

I had the worst score of my uni life

I seek validation from achievements

I met new best friends

I still had everything going on in my home.

etc

Using my current knowledge, if I picked the chance to go to the past, I would be richer, given the crypto and stocks were bullish. But on the other hand, I would meet my dead friends. I would never meet a girl that gave me a new hope. That is pretty sad.