Reverie

Courtney Peppernell, Pillow Thoughts

大理dali, yunnan province by 沈沈不吃甜

“There was a bad break up, sort of. It was eight months ago. I’m past it now. But I had to experience that for the first time. I don’t think I handled it as well as I could. At the time I couldn’t grasp that maybe it wasn’t anybody’s fault. Maybe I just wanted to be with the person for longer than they wanted to be with me. But accepting things that you don’t want to happen is really, really hard. It’s like: ‘Why do they get to walk around, and keep living their life, while I’m miserable all the time?’ It didn’t seem fair. So I might have reacted in a way that was disproportionate, to make the person feel more guilty than they needed to. Sometimes that’s your only recourse when someone hurts you: feeling aggrieved, and making it known. Not that it keeps you from suffering. But there is a sense of power in it. It allows you to redistribute the pain that you’re feeling. You can make their life a hassle for a bit, hurt their feelings, tell everyone they’re a big asshole. When the truth is: maybe they were just living their life, trying their best, and you got hurt. There’s not always a villain. Sometimes you just get fucked up by somebody exercising their own autonomy.”

The Four Seasons by Saiyre

Art by kunbei

Ruins exploration by 孟极

Art by Andreas Rocha

Art by Alariko

IG: ousíapoeticaok

“It’s like being in Hawaii. That’s the feeling. There’s no pressure, and you never want to leave. You want to stay right there and relax. You want that temporary feeling forever. But it goes away, and the pressure always comes back. Life is pressure: job interviews, things you’ve got to do, every day, getting up. It makes you want to go back to that place. I’ve been out here eight years. When I see people go by, I hear different things. People quoting and phrasing what their life is—I only get bits and pieces: ‘We’re going to the movies. We’re getting married. We’re going to Santa Cruz.’ Stuff like that. I can hear it. I know that life is out there; but you have to earn it. Determination and willpower, that’s what I need. There’s a seed in me that wants to stop. There are days I don’t want to get high. I love life. I love life, and I’m gifted. I’m gifted with age. I just turned fifty, and I think there’s more to come. I have the desire to keep going. Sometimes I think, without the drugs-- what am I going to do? That voice is there too. But I have to get rid of that. Because there’s a life out there. There’s a lot more than just getting high.”