guess ill just use this as my lil venting shit again
ive read all my posts that i tagged with "stuff". 53 fucking pages, lol. ive had this acc for 9 years. its wild to see all the shit i posted over the course of these years. back then i was 16, now im 25.
life surely changed a lot. some of my views have also changed, but actually not by much.
theres one thing that absolutely didnt change though - my crippling depression. its def gotten better here and there. ive had times in which i loved existing. i loved life so much that i was so glad my attempts didnt work out.
however.. i sadly still have times that absolutely make my skin crawl. times of heavy ass dissociation and an increased wish to just stop existing. these moments are the worst for me because i have barely anyone i can lean onto. words cant describe how much i crave physical contact. hugs. lots of dang hugs.
looking through all my #stuff also made me feel a special kind of sadness. anime was such a special interest for me. i spent so much time drawing art, editing amvs, writing down theories, heck even writing a whole ass alternative universe! that i posted on archiveofourown. one of my first songs i learned on the piano was the 14th melody of dgm. i cant believe how lame my hobbies have gotten.
i hate this cringe culture. i hate how much i sucked it up in the end, after having lived a proper "real life". all i wanted to do was to fit in. i wanted to be one of the "normal ones" (aka the "normies" LOL). slowly but surely i distanced myself from anime and it just somehow became a thing i somewhat watched in the end.. at some time. sigh.
i think most of my life went completely downhill (even tho i was already at rock bottom tbh LOL) after my first boyfriend. generally the community that i knew him from was incredibly toxic. i wish i just stayed on tumblr or some other platforms where i could just show off my childish innocence and not be judged for it. in that other community they literally almost got me to jump off the bridge. completely nuts now, thinking back to it. i was literally walking outside contemplating it. thinking of how to get onto that bridge (it was over a highway and sealed off kinda?). craaaazy to think that i kept posting there.. for YEARS!!!!
i never fitted in. anywhere. and i still dont do. 10 years later.
now im here, being an adult, living in my own apartment - away from my mom who was neglectful my entire childhood. and now? i have a hard time connecting to people. i rarely like people enough to be friends with them... well and if i do, i instantly get extremely emotionally attached. it ruins me. and it ruins my dang hobbies. and it ruins the friendships. rip
ive normalized myself so much, gdi.
cant propely binge watch anime anymore.. apparently?? but i can doomscroll like a friggin idiot for hours?
ugh talking abt doomscrolling.. i fucking hate short-videos. even though i fall victim to those. but they also ruined the way i spent my attention.
generally im just a frustrated mess. i really wish i could just be this person that i was before all of this happened.. i wish i could just go a new route with my life.
i wonder what kind of person i wouldve been if i just had stopped acting out to impress people.
i had one of the worst mental breakdowns of this year last weekend. havent showered since, or brushed my teeth. i was so fucking close to self harming again, but i didnt do it. its crazy. for others the day just went on and nothing happened and for me it was almost a battle against living or dying. cuz i also had lots of suicidal thoughts, sigh.
i wonder what i would think abt this situation in 10 years from now on. will i even be alive? how is my life gonna look like?
back then anime, and anything related to that, was my passion. these things kept me alive. they lit fires inside of me.
but somehow.. idk why, but i can only choose one thing. either its functioning relationships/friendships (which honestly always kinda fail.. so maybe its a sign?) or an obssesive-type of interest. its rarely in-between. i have a really hard time choose. i dont want to choose... well, maybe i dont even have to choose?
maybe i only think i have to choose because i am ashamed of my interests? (which makes no sense, because most of the ppl that i end up liking actually like anime too)
maybe i think i have to choose between them and myself.. and since i feel so ashamed of myself, i always end up choosing "them" and feeling guilty whenever i cant choose "them".. cuz if i choose "them".. i fear losing "them" (them = basically anyone that i like)
sigh yeah thats a premium vent.
over n out ma bois and girls
