KIE

I am nineteen. my real name is chloe but you can call me whatever. if i had to describe myself in a few words they would be chaotic, introspective, detached and completely indifferent to everything that happens around me. i like writing, ao3, movies, videogames and youtube gameplays. i love pierce the veil my fav songs are bulls in the bronx, yeah boy and doll face, the sky under the sea and disasterology.

I wonder if it’s because I haven’t found my people yet, or because I am not meant for anyone at all

The storm broke apart the little boat that had carried me for most of my life. Since then, I’ve had no choice but to drift with the current, numb in the freezing water, clinging to bits of wood that kept me afloat but never gave me the warmth I longed for. When you belong to nothing, the current pushes you wherever the wind wants, and you begin to lose any sense of who you are. You’ll become almost anything, just to feel like you are something.

And after being alone for so long, anyone you meet along the way, no matter who they are, starts to feel like a refuge, a place to rest. I clung to them like life rafts, and the thought of letting go of what I had begun to call “home” felt like being left to drown in the dark forever.

Yesterday, after leaving yet another “home,” I gave myself a few minutes to think. It’s a cycle that repeats itself over and over, and I keep falling into it every time.

I end up weeping blood and then falling on my knees with a hollow in my chest too deep and ugly for it to heal. It stays with me like a silent companion, growing larger with every new encounter until there’s hardly anything of me left. I’ve never been good at connecting with people, always felt like I am doing something wrong, and I wonder if it’s because I haven’t found my people yet, or because I am not meant for anyone at all.

I am the one who longs for someone to pull me back from my emptiness, I am the one who longs for someone to make me feel human, so why am I also the one who, as soon as I feel like I’ve found a place to stay, pushes everyone away by acting careless and wrong? If I truly wanted it, why do I retreat at the first small wound from another person?

I am a coward, and the biggest liar you could ever meet. I don’t want closeness, or anyone’s love. I am no good for anyone, I try to fill a void using people, and when I fail I just pull away. Pain is my home, and being too far from home makes me feel lost.

If I was true to myself and other people, I wouldn’t run away, I wouldn’t push people out with my deliberate mistakes. Yet I keep doing it, hurting myself over and over, because this pain is all I know. It’s where I want to belong.