Brain Bubbles Returned

(via https://open.spotify.com/track/2nu5cvIsAFapHyP6gytG4o?si=G7YGxYNKTeaDgZ1eutCjsg)

I don’t normally like country (which is a large sin where I live, although I like it more because my darling granddaughter loves it), but this is a great song.  

Then a few days ago Mom found a lump on my shoulder blade. It isn't going to be anything bad, because I kicked this f****r to the curb. I did have a moment where my stomach did a flip.

I went to the Dr and was sent for an x-ray, which wasn't conclusive. Now waiting for a call for a bone scan. I am probably just out of alignment. I lost both my breasts and they weren't small. I am actually re-learning my body again.

I do/did have a hint for the Dr though, she is great and honest, sometimes I may not want all the details. Even if you are just covering all the bases. If you are telling me I am just out of alignment, don't tell me you are calling the cancer center. For sure don't write "may be malignant" on the x-ray form you are sending me away with. If you have to write that, maybe fax the form to the place I am getting the x-ray at so I don't see it.

Fear is a very real thing, and I haven't learned to take it in stride yet. I understand I can't live in fear for the rest of my life, but it is going to be a process.

I know they are just going to get rid of me, they dont have space for more employees and have wanted to reduce staff.

Its 8:30.

It is really hard for your brain to get used to not having body parts and it seems to be causing the occasional panic attack. I assume that is what is happening when I get such an adrenaline rush from looking at the ragged healing incisions where my breasts used to be that I get sick and lightheaded.

Over the last year cancer has been my sidekick and has killed many people I know. I feel guilty sometimes for still being alive and others not. Then rage.

I realized I will need counseling, and have set that up.

The family is gathering and everyone is an understandible mess. I am worried about my Mom, this is her little brother.