~the other thing about depression is it kind collapses tine, suddenly you find your whole days blending together to create one endless and suffocating loop
And eventually all you can think about is how life has always been this way~
βI hate it here; the water always feels so cold
I forget to hate it here; you think itβs not so badβ
Let me tell you what depression has been for me. A slow erosion of life. I remember my childhood so still and I wish I had started remembering it sooner before I started forgetting things and being unsure of myself. The only thing I remember was my liking of swings. I loved swings. Itβs better to say I was happy until I wasnβt.
Emotions are a little bit a fraudster activity of mine. My reality is cracked, I will believe that I feel things so strongly, not being chosen by a boy I like, seeing my mum disappointed in me, losing friends, failing tests. Then I get feedback.
That boy that didnβt choose me. I called him for drinks with his new lover and when I think about the night, I believe he was flaunting her in front of me (me, might I add who called him because I knew he would do this) and Iβll imagine a friend telling me sorry because that must have hurt. He spent the night with you then chose another girl, he used you, he brags about it to your face, I talk about his shit all the time, I should feel embarrassed and heartbroken.
My mum being disappointed, but truly all she is, is tired. She works so hard and the least her daughter could do is help around the house and Iβm failing at that. Lately, when I refuse to run errands and fail to wash the dishes, she has been telling me that I donβt care about anything anymore and that I am lazy. Β I am not a good daughter, I lie, I catch a mood ever so often, I talk back, I donβt talk at all, I donβt cook, I donβt clean, I am not clean myself, I go to school and I donβt read after seeing her getting in debt to pay my tuition, I am ungrateful and lazy and worst of all I donβt seem to care. I am a bad daughter; I should feel ashamed.
Losing friends is earth-shattering. I shared hobbies, I shared stories, I shared myself and they leave or in one incidence I leave (this friend had already stopped caring about me first). I do something, they forgive and hate me for the entirety of the friendship, or they leave me. I have lost people because of my mistakes, itβs my fault, I should be laden with guilt so heavy I cannot move.
For most of my life, school is the one thing I had in check. Shocker, but not really, lately the only thing I have been doing is not turning in assignments, being late for class then proceeding to not pay attention in class, then failing my exams. The one thing I could do, I am not doing anymore. Now thereβs nothing I am good for. I am so useless I should just disappear.
Thing is, I sway between feeling so terrible for being a loser to complete apathy for being a loser.
I am a loser who can change but refuses to, I am so ashamed.
At the beginning, when my world started losing color and I would stay on the couch all week, I would beat myself up. You lazy, ungrateful child, throwing your life away because of some imaginary illness youβre making up in your head, scrolling all day on your motherβs internet while sheβs working for you to be somebody. How long do you think you will be a child for? All your friends are moving, why are you not moving. You havenβt even showered this week, lazy and dirty. Oh, and whatβs that? You donβt want to be here anymore? So why are you. LAZY, DIRTY, UNGRATEFUL, USELESS, DIRTY, COWARD.
Then you realize, this voice in your head beating up the other one that does not want to exist has grown tired, so you try being nice to yourself, not perfect at first, at first you get on a boat, drive to the middle of the ocean with no food, you mind drowns in pity. Poor me, why am I depressed. Before you know, the boat starts rotting, and you fight against drowning for a while. Be nice to yourself. Why are you fighting so much? Hope that someone will come save you? No one is. Hope that you will save yourself? You wonβt because you cannot do anything right. Be kind to yourself, Is the water not freezing? You wrap your hands around your body, tread the water, your friends come to save you, but you drown them and when they can fight back, they run away from you. Before your legs tire from treading for so long to keep your head above water, before your body gives up, you give up.
Who can save you now? Underwater predators, they launch at you, and you hug them and they bite you and kick you deeper. Youβre rotten, they donβt even want to eat you. Youβre sinking further and further down, yet you arenβt dying. You see life in the water moving on without you, the current doesnβt even touch you, sometimes you look up and see boats, people dry in the sun on vacation, sometimes you fight to get back up there but you are disoriented and start swimming further down and your mum is in your ear screaming for you to care.
If you are drowning, why are you still alive? Why can you still see the light leave the ocean? Why are you scared of the creatures lurking in the dark water? Why is the pressure not squeezing you to paste? Such a pretender If I am drowning, why I am still alive?
I do not care If I am alive.
I AM STILL ALIVE RIGHT? WHY DOES IT FEEL THIS WAY? You are alive and you know this. You are drowning and you know this. A body that wants to move. Why are you not moving? Why are you not moving? WHY ARE YOU NOT MOVING???!!! wHy aRE yOu NoT mOvInG?
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