Just Breathe

“Overthinking does kill your happiness”

“Remind yourself, you are not allowed to fall in love with him.”

True love

i dye my hair purple and i put a needle through my nose. i fix the computer that has sat broken for a week and i make everyone pancakes and coffee. i, of course, don’t have any. there’s way too much to be done. it’s 10 in the morning and i haven’t been to sleep yet but i decide to go running. now, i have never been a runner but i decide to start today because i finally have the energy. also, everyone has been telling me that exercise will make me feel better. i come home and i put blue lipstick on my lips. it makes me feel like the universe. so, i decide to get a tattoo instead of buying groceries. i deep clean my house though and you wouldn’t believe just how filthy it is behind the stove. i call everyone in my family - just to chat. i’ve been ignoring their calls for weeks now but today i feel like talking. i ramble so fast and i have such an excitement in my voice that certain words are spoken while i’m breathing in deep to catch my breath - it’s a lot like this sentence. i pick up smoking again. it’s better than an ativan habit, i rationalize to those that scold me when they see that orange glow at the end of my lips. i wish it were ativan. i want to shave my head. i hold the clippers in my hand but decide to write instead. i reward myself with a bottle of wine. it doesn’t mix well with my medication but i don’t care. now, i’m crying. i’m lonely. i have no one. i decide to go out with a friend. 30 minutes in, i want to go home. why did i do this? take me home. i don’t want to be here. i don’t say this, of course. i fall silent. they ask me if i’m okay and i yell. i come home and i don’t try to kill myself. but, i do pray and wish to whatever and whoever is listening that they take me in my sleep. but, no one thinks that i need help. they applaud me for finally being productive and living life to the fullest instead.

I wanna see you again. So bad. You’re miles away and I miss you. The worst part is, I don’t even know when and if I’m going to see you again. Even though I’m trying not to care, it’s killing me. I wanna see you again.