Painfully Awkward

(via https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bqpA5Acc8-c)

I’m worried I might fall for him again... Very worried... But I miss him. I miss his personality. I’m too afraid to do anything but that’s good. But these past few days of talking to him has been so nice. I can’t tell if I miss the attention or what. I just cannot hurt him again. 

You were that monster hiding under my bed. You would wait until my world was dark and I was vulnerable, and then you would make your appearance. You would creep out slowly and I would cover my head, pretending you weren’t there because I know what happens when you show up. My eyes grow big and I become afraid. I was afraid you would hurt me. I imagined you as this amazingly terrifying being, but in reality you were so different. In my head, you tormented my every thought and every dream. I saw your face whenever I closed my eyes. But then I realized something when I turned on turned light. You weren’t really there. You were just in my head. The vision of you that scared me--this perfect guy that I loved with a love so strong it terrified me how I could feel that for another person--was fake. You were never there to begin with.

I remember when we broke up the first time Saying, "This is it, I've had enough," 'cause like We hadn't seen each other in a month When you said you needed space. (What?) Then you come around again and say "Baby, I miss you and I swear I'm gonna change, trust me." Remember how that lasted for a day? I say, "I hate you," we break up, you call me, "I love you."

i thought nothing of you for the past four hours, asshole.

fuck him

I hate everything. I need to see doctors. I’ve still been having issues eating. I don’t know if it’s me developing some sort of eating issue/allergy or if it’s because I’m becoming very depressed. I want to see a psychologist or something. Are there screenings? I just want to know if I’m depressed and can pull myself out or if this is something I need help with. I’m letting myself slip into dark thoughts again and I’m getting worried. I can’t do this for a year. I hate it here so much.