When I think about anything political or moral my brain frequently starts playing devil's advocate. It's all intrusive thoughts and range from thoughts about sources being biased to thoughts that some people are straight up philosophical zombies, just machines with no personhood. And it fucking terrifies me because I don't like those thoughts and being not the most immoral person is my only good quality, but I also want to be factually correct on everything. So I instantly try to disprove them, and if it's something easy like sources than okay, I can almost always find other sources from the opposite side and see that events that happened actually happened. But fantastically irrational ideas like some people being philosophical zombies or some nefarious conspiracy covering up everything that actually happened and happens are unfalsifiable, and in normal scientific discussion it would mean that they are not worthy to be discussed, but as I said, I am very afraid of being wrong, so I cannot say "this doesn't fit Popper's criterion so it's not a meaningful statement in the first place", all that I can think of is "I can't prove that it's wrong". And then my brain goes into alarm mode because I was supposed to instantly expose those obviously untrue thoughts, but the fact that I can't means that I probably secretly agree with them, or even worse - that they are correct. And all of this is amplified by my OCD invoking believes in subconsciousness to interpret every emotion against me.
That's how I spent the last hour piecing together evidences towards some crime against humanity actually happening and feel like shit because on one hand I can't be absolutely certain in my conclusions since I wasn't in the head of the victim when it happened, and on the other hand because my brain even allowed such inhumane thoughts to appear and then I wasn't certain enough to dismiss it and had to do all this research, which obviously means that I don't believe in things I believe.
This is the reason why I don't want afterlife to exist - I want to believe that this thing will end eventually, not that it will continue for eternity
