You'll only live once.

Gavin furrows his brow, and feels his nose twitch and crinkle upwards on his face. The mix of emotions in Ray’s voice, threaded all through his words, prickles Gavin’s ears, and he shifts his position uncomfortably, kneading his elbows into Ray’s stomach.

It’s hard to know what to say. Gavin knew already that Ray came from a different place, that Ray’s perspective was so indelibly different from his, but it’s different to hear it in cold hard words. Gavin’s never been the authority on this; even when his younger brothers needed guidance, he either passed the buck up to his parents, or made something up, and he was never good at the latter.

It’s not like he can just let Ray sling out insults, though.

“Well, that’s not fair, is it?” he asks softly. “It’s not like non-human wolves just hunt all damn day; they’ve got to, like, sleep, and take care of their kids, and all that.

“That’s like saying a dog does nothing but bark, Ray. I mean, if you– if you put it in a cage all the time, of course it’s gonna bloody bark.”

There’s nothing worse than when someone’s voice goes like that.

Ray doesn’t speak for a long while, stuck in silence with the advent of Gavin’s quiet, nearly sad tone and all the things he brings up like they’re common knowledge. It wouldn’t be a lie to say that Ray has never thought of wolves like that- parents and kids and sleeping and more. They’ve always been ‘wild’ and ‘pack’ and ‘danger’ and even ‘belongs in a zoo’- according to one not-so-favorable uncle. The comment about dogs pushes him father into contemplation. He’s never had dogs; he had cats, once.

His father sent them away, after the ‘accident’. Ray had been too scared about what might happen to them. They never came near him any more, anyway- not without hissing. They were better off with someone they’d enjoy the company of. He wonders if his parents have brought them back home now that he’s gone.

Whether he actively decided to or not, Ray’s hand ends up closer to Gavin again, against his arms. Maybe it’s just to try and get him to stop kneading into Ray’s stomach so much- or, maybe it’s for the contact. When he does speak, it seems like he could use some. Gavin’s quiet has seeped into Ray’s voice as solidly as it has weighted down his bones.

Ryan shouldn’t enjoy the way his heart flutters the way Ray speaks. “Y-yeah, it might save you time & materials.” To any outside it might be clear as day that he was head over heels for the other king. He likes that Ray has a preference for him, even if it’s just teasing since they both know how Gavin is. It makes the tip of his ears pink. He coughs to try & hide the embarrassment, keeping his gaze off of him. 

“Thanks,” He says lamely. Admittedly, he put a little too much work into the rose. He wants it to mean something more but if he thinks about it now, it only makes him more aware of how he’s acting. He smiles sheepishly. “It works best on flowers though.”

“Even so, I’m sure it has an effect on other things. Just don’t go trying to dip me into some immortality potion.”

As he wraps his cape tighter around himself, tucking the bright red in his clothing away in black in order to hide from the occasional cold wind he’s not used to, Ray isn’t looking for the pink in Ryan’s ears or the slight stutter when he decides on his words too quickly. Ray chooses to enjoy the time without any sign he’s noticed these things, if only to save the awkwardness he’s sure would arise if he reciprocated in return. Sure, he finds Ryan’s company far more pleasant than anyone elses, and yes- he intends to keep this rose in his possession, perhaps in a vase at his bedside when he returns to his own kingdom- but that doesn’t mean he has to be so bold about those affections.

After all, what if he was simply imagining the attraction? That could end badly.

Gavin barks a laugh.

“No? There’s still got to be a turning.”

It might be insensitive, the way Gavin speaks as if all of this is so obvious, so matter-of-fact. At the same time, though, he wiggles childishly on the bed, lifting himself up with his hands just to flop back down length-wise across Ray’s stomach, and Ray’s arms in the way, too – so if his intent is malicious, he’s not doing a terribly good job.

“You can’t just ignore it all the time, that’s when it explodes, innit? You have to figure out what it wants.

“Which is probably ‘out,’ if this is the way you’ve been going at it.”

Ray openly grumbles at Gavin laying all over him but he doesn’t bother lifting his arms or trying to push him off at all. Gavin is the most touchy-feely guy Ray has ever met, and he came from a Puerto Rican family. That’s saying something.

Gavin doesn’t mean any harm by it, but that doesn’t mean this conversation isn’t bordering on the most Ray has discussed his lycanthropy in years. Possibly since the original contraction.

“I don’t want to do what it wants. What it wants is to hunt and bite and kill. It’s a wolf.” Any maybe now it’s clear that Ray’s view of himself, and wolves, and all other werewolves is skewed by what he was taught. He doesn’t mean any harm by what he’s saying, either. It’s as factual to him as Gavin’s argument is to Gavin. “You’re right, it wants out, and I’m not gonna let it. Not unless I have to. The last thing I want is someone else ending up like me.”

          to: xray 🤗 ➢ god.           to: xray 🤗 ➢ ray           to: xray 🤗 ➢ ive got nowhere to go

     he’d driven for a good hour and a half before he decided to stop. a 24 hour diner called to him with a promise of a coffee and a moment to collect himself. the panic truly began to set in then, the thought of what michael would say. how geoff’s lips would curl in anger or annoyance. god, he hadn’t even thought of jeremy.

     but there were always the what ifs that made leaving easier. michael could cut his losses and be short one idiot. maybe jack would heave a sigh of relief, she wouldn’t have to take care of him anymore. ryan was ryan, of course he’d be glad gavin was gone.

     his stomach turned and the only thing that kept him from immediately running back was remembering how his time had been spent. remembering the men who’s secrets he stole only be sacrificing parts of himself. matt was their hacker now, he’d become obsolete.

    [SMS: Gold Sunglasses] Calm down, Gav.     [SMS: Gold Sunglasses] You’ve got plenty of places to go     [SMS: Gold Sunglasses] You could go anywhere.     [SMS: Gold Sunglasses] That’s the point.

    The panic is pretty typical, Ray thinks. He panicked too at first. He remembers curling up in a motel and just shaking at the thought of not having the Crew to back him up any more, of what could happen if someone thought that XRay alone was an easy target, of what they all must be calling him. Coward, or worse.

    Ray also remembers that the thoughts soothed down into relief, eventually. No more senseless violence, no more ‘go here, shoot him’, no more ‘if you don’t do it then what do I even bother paying you for?’. It was like a switch had flipped and he realized that he might have lost something, but in return he’d gotten far more.

    Hopefully Gavin gets that, too.

Gavin furrows his brow thoughtfully.

In some ways, what Ray says is familiar to him. In other ways, however, it strikes him with worry – and maybe that’s hypocritical of him, but it’s hard to shake how he was raised.

“No it’s not,” he argues, as if offended. “That’s not the point at all.

“Plenty of people learn how to control theirs, Ray. I mean, you don’t have to meet it if it’s you, right?”

Gavin won’t admit he’s spitballing.

“You’ve just got to pay better attention, innit?”

“Of course that’s the point-”

Ray’s cut off by Gavin’s expressive argument and he feels like grumbling, regretting opening the door to the other man already. He’s been raised in a world where what he is is considered a disease, and a dangerously contagious one at that. He’s learned not to trust his wolf, how to force it down in every day situations, how to try and stave off the change on the full moon as though an extra hour of painfully writing around as a human is going to save a life.

Get to know it? Control it? None of those options make sense to Ray. It’s a wolf, it’s not him... Right?

For a moment, Gavin thinks Ray won’t let him in.

It’s for this reason that Gavin is ecstatic when the door opens. Ray is barely on the bed before Gavin is running over the threshold and leaping higher than a man of his age and build ought be able to on such short notice. He comes down onto the bed like a cannonball, narrowly missing Ray’s body and barely managing to control his momentum enough to not go tumbling over the edge.

It’s not a complete invasion of personal space, but Gavin’s head ends up less than a foot from Ray’s, propped up on his elbow with Ray’s arm passing underneath. Gavin grins.

“I’m sorry I called you weird,” he says the moment the bed stops bouncing. He doesn’t really sound terribly sorry, but at least he knows it’s the thing he should say.

“Ray,” he leaps right into it, much like some other things, “if you don’t remember anything, how do you know what your wolf’s like?”

While Gavin plays acrobat Ray tries his best to ignore him, though it’s absolutely impossible with him tumbling all over the fucking bed like a madman. Ray feels himself bounce along with the bed and purposely keeps his head to the ceiling, staring at a particular shape in the molding around the wall above until the bed has stopped rocking and there’s no chance of getting sea sickness in his bedroom.

Gavin is grinning at him.

Ray sighs at the apology and rolls his eyes, not really all that upset about being called weird. He figures there’s something Gavin knows about wolves that he doesn’t- which seems par for the course as far as this week has gone. Every question Gavin seems to have an answer, Ray fails to know even a little about his own condition. This is just more of the same.

     gavin doesn’t really need to be told twice. he’d fantasized about this too many times and now it was here so he was ready. hell, he was already half-packed. he had been for months.

     it had taken a while to press the guilt down, but at the end of the day he needed out. there was a bag at the bottom of his closet that only took ten more minutes to pack. 

        to: xray 🤗 ➢ ha. you’re right.         to: xray 🤗 ➢ don’t fancy being alone out there.         to: xray 🤗 ➢ but

     the penthouse was quiet. he tiptoed through the living room. for once ryan wasn’t lurking on the couch at an unreasonable hour. gav really wasn’t sure of what he would have said had he been there. maybe he wouldn’t even ask. this was probably for the best after all - to have gavin out of their hair.

     he took a smaller car, not anything too flashy. nothing that would be missed. in less than half an hour he was tearing out of the city, windows down. the crisp air pulled at his hair and he felt like he could breathe. he kept his phone face up in the passenger seat, ready to respond to any message that came through. or ignore if it happened to be from the crew.

     the city melted away behind him and he almost felt like crying. instead he let out a shout and bumped the volume on the radio. 

    Ray watches the texts messages come in and feels the same adrenaline he felt when he first decided to leave. His was a long, drawn out farewell compared to what Gavin is attempting. Gavin is taking the world by storm and Ray wishes he’d been that sure when he went.

    He also doesn’t envy Gavin at all, because if he’s doing what Ray thinks he’s doing when the messages trail off and no longer keep coming in the average amount of time then he’s in for a world of trouble. Michael won’t take losing Gavin lightly. Geoff probably won’t either- he’s endlessly fond of Gavin despite all the shit he talks about him.

    Unable to sleep now, for sure, Ray sits in his living room and stares at his phone and wonders what the world looks like for Gavin now that he’s free.

    It probably looks a little bit like the view out of Ray’s window.

[SMS] That’s weird.

Maybe that’s a little much, Gavin considers; it’s not as if he has a terribly good grasp on what is ‘standard.’ He’s just about to type up a message to either apologize, or deflect away from what he’s said, when another message pops the notification bar on his phone.

[You’re approaching your roaming text messaging limit for this month. If you would like to adjust your worldwide plan, call or text … .]

Gavin sighs, a bit exaggerated for being alone in a room by himself. He rolls out of bed, plants his feet on the floor, and shoves his phone into his pocket.

A few minutes later, he’s knocking at Ray’s door, and, shortly after, trying the handle.

“Ray, my text plan isn’t good enough, Ray.”

Ray frowns at his phone when Gavin calls him weird, not really thinking that he’s that odd. He’s pretty sure that back when he ran in Central Park the other wolves talked about missing time and forgetting things. Maybe it was just because every last one of them were homeless and didn’t want to remember- Ray knows he didn’t really want to, either.

He’s still pondering how to answer when he hears shuffling outside of his door, which turns to knocking, which turns to wiggling the handle on the locked door. Ray sighs, expressively, before he ever moves to get up.

“Gavin it’s because your phone has a British brain, like you.” The wiggling of the handle finally gets to him. “Hold on! I’m coming, it’s locked.”

     huh. imagine that. gavin’s chest felt a bit tight and he’d paused for a moment, eyes training on a far away spot for a moment. ray meant it. he had no response for that, anything would be too clingy, too wanting.

     he didn’t have an outlet like michael and it hit him hard. maybe michael and ray were always the better friends out of the lads but gavin still spent nights sleepless after ray’s departure. he’d only had him for a few years and those short years were undeniably unmatched. sure, ryan and others would indulge his games and michael was his boi. but ray was a wildfire that tore through the city and found the way out.

     and gavin wanted access to that fire escape.

         to: xray 🤗 ➢ its not the same without you          to: xray 🤗 ➢ definitely worth the hype          to: xray 🤗 ➢ i          to: xray 🤗 ➢ i hate this place

   Ray wonders if he should stop texting, now.

    It’s not that he wants to- because God, is it refreshing to see someone else admit so simply that they hate Los Santos. That place is a hell hole and Ray had to get out, he knew he was burning up there as surely as he’ll burn in hell later in life. He just wants to enjoy what he has left, before he burns, that’s all. He can’t do that in Los Santos. The problem is, neither can Gavin.

    And if Ray agrees with him on that, Gavin might leave too.

    That would be good for him, but horrible for the crew. It would be another hit, a shattering; Geoff said as much when Ray left, that if he went he might start trouble for the crew that never ended. Ray had said he didn’t care, which was a lie. He also said that was their problem, not his. That was the truth.

  [SMS: Gold Sunglasses] Get out, then.   [SMS: Gold Sunglasses] Pack it all up, hell, just jump in a car and go.   [SMS: Gold Sunglasses] You’ve got the money, Gavin, and you’ve risked enough. What else do you owe them?

Gavin rolls himself over, resting his elbows on the mattress and holding his phone only a few inches from his nose. He can’t help how his interest piques. Few people ever want to talk about what happens to a werewolf’s brain when they turn, and of course he has an idea, theories and suggestions, about himself – but he knows it’s not normal.

[SMS] It doesn’t happen to me all the time. [SMS] Sometimes I remember everything. Usually when it’s something small, like I got mad for a bit. [SMS] I tend to tune out when it’s a long one though. [SMS] What about you? X

It’s stupid to be doing this only bedrooms away from each other, but laziness wins out over Ray’s brief thought to go and knock on Gavin’s door. It’s hard not to think like that when he’s finally in relatively close quarters to other people after traveling alone for so long. He’s not exactly gonna slide up to Doctor Haywood; he thinks Gavin is the safer bet. In theory.

          Well fuck – he apparently misread how they parted ways. Michael had ASSUMED his visit would be welcomed with their usual banter, followed closely by a HUG, maybe, but it seemed Ray was pissed for some fuckin’ reason. Michael was taken aback at his outburst. Especially when Ray began to take steps backwards. What the FUCK was even happening.

          “Come on, Ray…” He began, drawing out his name in a TIRED plea as he kicked himself off of his car. Unfolding his arms to look less threatening – because APPARENTLY thats what he needs to do now with, who he thought, was his best fuckin’ friend. “Please just get in the car – this has nothing to do with Geoff.” Irritation in his natural lack of patience riddled his tone as he went as far as to open the passenger door for the other.

    "You came here without any warning, after I asked all of you-” Even Michael, despite how badly he didn’t want to. “-to leave me out of anything you were planning. You came here and immediately started asking me if I still know how to shoot!” Ray whispers the last few words as people pass by, staring at the open car door and Michael like he’s waiting for the trap. If this isn’t about Geoff and it isn’t about the crew then what the fuck could it possibly be about, because Ray really wasn’t expecting a social visit today.

     As fucking amazing as it is to see Michael, whole and in one piece, Ray is worried about what kind of shit he’s about to get dragged out of retirement for.

[SMS] Yeah, I mostly run along the countryside. [SMS] If you go parallel to the roads it’s all right. [SMS] I can’t imagine going wild in a park. Someone would get hurt for sure.

In all honesty, Gavin thinks it would probably be him – but it could always go the other way. Every wolf has a story about how the turning is difficult, about feeling out of control, but most in Gavin’s family learn to control it, boasting about their willpower, their mastery over their wolf side.

Gavin gives his advice sometimes, he supposes.

[SMS] It’s a bit like being drunk I guess. [SMS] Blacking out and waking up somewhere else, I mean.

That’s an uncomfortable thought. Someone would get hurt for sure-- Ray’s never wanted to think too hard on that. There was more than one morning in his early days he woke up covered in blood and spent the day trying to convince himself it was squirrel or rabbit or house cat. He thinks he was right, back then; but he can’t know for sure. Leaving people, leaving the city, had been the right choice. 

He taps on his phone without answering Gavin’s messages about the park, forcing himself past the uglier thoughts. Taking up the subject about the change is better, even if that’s also hard to fathom.