" not your baby. "

“No one would believe you if you did.” Ryan responded quickly. He rubbed at his own face as if he wanted to wipe the blush away. He let out an uneasy huff of embarrassment.  “I’d snipe you and whoever you told if they believed you.”  Was it a real threat or a joking one? Either way, a smile crept up onto his lips. A genuine but rare one indeed.

     gavin felt the last bits of tension slip from his shoulders. ryan was here, no matter what it seemed. the future was uncertain but ryan cared in his own fucked up way.

     that was enough for now.

     “imagine jack’s face though!”

“Yeah. Just us.  I’ll take you out for dinner too. It’s the least I can do since my words are the absolute worst.” Ryan admitted. He had cleaned up his face from the paint and grime, so his blush was easily seen from the city lights below.  “I know rom-coms are something you enjoy. I thought about a horror movie, but I wouldn’t want you to piss yourself on the first date. I mean… I was thinking about this for a while now.”

    “ryan.. you’re serious ryan?” despite everything he couldn’t help a small grin. he just had to roll with the punches - ryan was offering up a level of vulnerability and fuck if he wasn’t going to jump on that. his gaze moved from below them to ryan now, that blush made him all the more human. gavin would never get enough of this side of ryan.

    “you’re a bloody sap,” gavin breathed out a laugh, shaking his head. “imagine if i told anyone that the damn vagabond took me to see a rom-com.”

“I mean, if you point ‘em out to me I can just-” Ryan made a few gun motions with his hands, tossing in a few sound effects for fun. It was one way to semi lighten the mood.  “I sometimes do it to feel loved. It doesn’t ever work though since I feel like shit afterwards.”  The mercenary fished through his pocket, searching for something. He let out a small sound of joy as he pulled out two movie tickets.  “How about we go distract ourselves? A movie date?”

     “maybe.. i’ll take you up on that.” it was spoken softly, he had to admit the offer sounded nice. not only would men who left him with too many sleepless nights be gone but ryan offered to do it himself. who knew a threat on someone’s life could give him butterflies.

     gavin found his shoulders relaxing a little bit and his whole demeanor softened. he watched as ryan fumbled around for a second and had a moment of confusion as ryan pulled out the tickets.

“Gavin, you’re going to pass out if you don’t stop the blood flow.” The mercenary dropped his weaponry, in hopes it would at least relax the hacker. He had quite the kicked puppy expression as he handed the bandage roll to him.  “I’m sorry- I didn’t mean to. It was out of blind rage.”

     gavin took the bandages hesitantly and haphazardly dressed the wound while keeping ryan in his field of view. for a moment he said nothing, gaze weary as he kept a reasonable amount of space between them.

     “you..you’ve always hated me.” his throat burned as he thought about it. his fruitless endeavors for ryan’s approval. “we all know.”

“I didn’t mean to physically lash out on you,” Ryan responded, searching in his pocket for a bandage to stop the bleeding. It had been a while since he physically attacked a fellow crewmember. Guilt was plastered in his eyes. 

     gavin flinched a bit, their closeness was too much and he took a step backwards. he shook his head briefly, one hand gripping his side tightly as to slow the blood. he was too close and the smell of his own blood was beginning to make him nauseous.

Ryan’s gaze lifted, examining the other’s facial features. He knew that look. It killed him, every time he saw it. He placed a hand on his shoulder, rubbing it a bit.  “You don’t have to sleep around for information, Gavin. It’s unhealthy. You could get really sick or catch something.  And, it’s not great for mental health. I know I have absolutely no room to talk since I have my own route to it.”

     “before i did we were doin’ worse. now we have more leads than we can follow through.” he knew it was bad, of course he did. the touch that was meant to be comforting made him flinch and he curled in on himself in shame. it was all he could do for the crew anymore.

     “ryan.. sometimes i see ‘em on the street, ryan. i can’t say anything because it’s all so secret and to out them is to lose our sources but they just look at me and.. i don’t want their eyes on me. or their hands.”

Ouch.  “Gavin, you’re not my punching b-…”  He let out a small, irritated sigh. What’s the point anymore? Gavin refused to listen. “I came to check on you and I’ve made it worse. As per usual. I’d leave you be but the last time I did that, they ended up dead.” So, he had fallen silent. Ryan scooted away to give the Englishman some space, but he refused to get up and leave. The mercenary did care for the hacker. He loved him. It was in there, but how would he show it without it looking odd?  He was no therapist. He was a brute force, containing hatred, anger, and bloodthirst. He was capable of other emotions, but positive ones were difficult. He refused to let his persona side take over and hammer the other with a barrage of cold, hard, blunt truth. He wanted to be human for once.  “What do you want? What will make you happy?”

     gavin looked at him for a moment before returning his eyes to the streets below. he couldn’t decide if the concern was misplaced or not. that wasn’t something he wanted to unpack and the thought of trying to dissect that was overwhelming.

     “what will make me happy?” a bitter laugh barely passed his lips and he shook his head slightly. it wasn’t like he was always unhappy, he was around people he loved and they could have fun. there was always someone to wreck havoc with. but generally he was filled with a heavy feeling, he didn’t want to get up and do his job most days. the morning was filled with dread if he knew he would have to meet someone that night.

Stubborn as always. Sometimes he wanted to whack the Brit upside the head for it. The mention of how ‘no one cares’ made the taller of the two growl softly.  “We are a family. Dysfunctional group of misfits from a bad place brought together. Everyone does care about you.”  Then, the mention of how he dressed and used himself poorly made him quirk a brow.  “Do you honestly think anyone gives two shits about what you wear? You can pull it off. Jack and Lindsay get catcalled for the way they dress. Who cares if you like men, so do I. I really don’t give a shit about gender. If you wanna wear a floral sundress, do for it. Make yourself happy.”  The reason why Ryan wore such larger jackets was for his body issues and scarring from episodes. He didn’t want anyone to worry about him, but he knew they would anyways. He wasn’t the best at explaining how he felt. It was rather difficult, due to the Vagabond clawing at his head telling him he was weak for it.  “I don’t think you realize that some people are mean to you because they have issues trying to do it right. Like Michael, for an example.  It’d take a toll on us if something were to happen to you.” Like Ray. It tore Ryan up like there was no tomorrow. He still blamed himself for being unable to save him. Finding the boy in the bathtub was enough to make him think he couldn’t save anyone. If Gavin were to leave…

     “funny way of showing you all care, innit?” gavin couldn’t deny that he was good at his job. he looked good, he knew he looked good and he used it. but at the end of the day he just felt used. by the crew for what he was doing and by the people he tricked into talking.

     “everyone lettin’ me know how i’m doing such a good job. ‘we could use more intel and this will be quick for you’, ‘you’ve found your place’, ‘you have the skill, use it’.” his facade cracked ever so slightly, his even expression wavering. “all that matters is that i’m useful. without me you’d barely know shit. torture can only get so much, you know that. a night in bed, multiple nights in bed, and knowing they won’t get killed helps people talk. it’ll never leak who sold anyone out because i get behind closed doors where it’s safe to talk.”

     the last bit threw him off, “are you fucking kidding me. that’s your bloody excuse? you think i don’t have issues? it’s my damn job to get called slurs by people while they touch a body that barely feels like mine.” he wasn’t sure if he should cry or burst into some sort of pained laugh.

     “then i come home and i’m your punching bag. if i didn’t come back you’d replace me. matt’s already becoming a punching bag for me and he’s already a better hacker.”

“Lose the attitude or else you’ll lose your tongue.” He shot back, a scowl clear across his lips. He rested his arms across his chest as if he wasn’t going to budge until he spoke.  “I’m not the best at advice but you know I listen to everyone. We don’t keep secrets, Free.”  Though, he released a sigh. Sure, as a co-worker, he’d force him to spill the beans, but as a friend, he wouldn’t pressure the other into expressing his emotions. Then, Ryan turned his head away.  “Look, I understand if you don’t trust me. I wouldn’t either. I wanted to make sure you didn’t jump or something stupid like that. If I bothered you earlier when I caught a glimpse of your blush, I’m sorry about it.” Apologizing? Sounds unlikely for him out of all people. He could be humane if needed. His softer but lighter side was rarely seen, but it was somewhat comforting when he was like this. Even with the voices in his head, screaming at him for showing weakness, he pressed on.  “You don’t have to tell me anything. Even if it’s not straight from the source itself, I find out eventually.”

     “as if your whole shtick isn’t just a bad attitude,” it was grumbled under his breath before ryan started up again.

     “we don’t keep secrets, free,” it was mocking of course it was. every few words he had some annoyed retort back. he couldn’t help it - honestly. of course this was the man he was infatuated with but ryan also had a tendency to piss him off. the apology threw him for a loop, of course it did and his resolve faltered at it. but he’d be damned if he would let that stop his annoyance.

     gavin free was a stubborn bitch.

     “find out all you damn want, ryan. why do you care what happens to me, why now do you choose to act all caring. you think the crew will take care of you, be a family, be a home but we’re all assholes. no ones cares.”