WINTER  WASNT  EASY  .     this is one thing ellie doesnât want to talk about .  doesnât want to re - live .  sheâs seen countless of people die , she knows what holding all that hurt inside can do to someone .  she knows talking helps .  she knows .  but this is different , this is her .  this is pain and trauma and an aftermath shes never had to deal with before , never felt before .  its not like her best friend dying , its not like getting bitten .  this was different .
healing is a process .  ellieâs immune system is strong , but even she canât handle the biting cold , red hot sickness that lunges and doesnât let go .  hypothermia .  she supposes she should have grabbed those gloves .  maybe they would have helped . . .  or maybe not .   EVERYTHING  HAPPENS  FOR  A  REASON  ,  RIGHT  ??
she has three broken ribs .  two on her left side , one on her right .  joel tells her sheâs lucky they didnât puncture her lungs .  she wants to ask if sheâs really lucky to have had to survive that .  she doesnât .  her voice is gone , anyway .
her nose is broken .  it heals decently , but it looks just slightly off from then on .  the cut on the bridge of her nose is something she canât leave alone , canât forget about .  she picks at it when it scabs over .  the faint scar now sitting in itâs place serves as a constant reminder .  the lighter , slightly indented sliver of skin , another memento from another  â  WORST  DAY  OF  MY  LIFE  .  â  maybe she should write a journal .
the concussion makes everything that much worse .  ellie canât move for weeks .  it looks grim for a few days , days she canât breathe or open her eyes on top of the confusion , the migraines .  joel only leaves her side to get food .  those moments alone are when she feels most afraid .  she was alone when david found her .  but she had heart .  she was a fighter .
she was back up and at it again sooner than joel had thought .
ITâS  OKAY  TO  GIVE  UP  .  THEREâS  NO  SHAME  IN  IT  .   davidâs voice echoes in ellies head no matter what .  everything he said , it all brings memories flooding back that ellie would much rather forget .    I  KNEW  YOU  HAD  HEART  .   context doesnât matter , individual doesnât matter .  it takes years for her to be okay hearing certain phrases again .
they arenât just nightmares .  sometimes escaping is what feels like the dream , like something she came up with laying on the ground of the burning restaurant .  years later , she still wakes up some nights crying , feeling the same pain , the same emotions .
it haunts her , like ghosts sheâs read about , like the guilt of living when she was supposed to die   (  IâM  SO  SORRY  ,  RILEY  )   .  she wonders if girls before the outbreak ever felt like this .
ellie starts that journal shortly after she can write properly again .  maybe she doesnât want to talk about it  -  out loud or otherwise , but she can start somewhere else .  she can build up to it .  she can get through this .  she didnât have much of a choice , did she ??
turnnoffyourmind
areudirty
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