with wings cut off.

So far today I’ve eaten:

Brown rice and sunflower seeds for breakfast.

2 donuts and a bubble latte (cafe latte with tapioca pearls) for lunch as my friend wanted donuts and a sandwich as her brunch.

So, I'm going to start following the Pil Sook-diet inspired by Pil Sook in korean drama Dream High. 

The "rules" to follow is:

Eat breakfast like a king

lunch like a commoner

and dinner like a pauper (no later than 7 pm)

and also:

do 30 minutes of jump rope. ( I fail at that, so I will do 1 - 1 1/2 hour of walking)

This diet is 200 days and every evening I will mark my calendar with a piece from a proteinshake/yoghurt-pack.

Wish me luck and I appreciate every encouraging comment I can get from you guys~~

Start date: February 9th, 2014

Start weight: ?

Length: 183 cm

Sometimes I look up to the sky when I walk to school and I see formations of fighter airplanes flying over me. I some aspect that sight is terrifying, but it calms me too. I feel like those airplanes are my protection and also they can become my death. At any time they can get attacked by another plane or they can accidentally shot a missile and hit the ricefield.  In some way those planes decide my fate, and I feel like that's a really good thing. I won't have to choose between living or melting into nothingness. If I get hit by something I do and if I don't... then I don't and I can live another day.  But now you think: the chance of something actually happening is extremely small.. And yes, I know that. But I still think and feel like this, both about the airplanes and also about my life.

If something good will happen, I'm all for that and if something bad happens, let it happen. It's better to live life just accepting things that get thrown at you than fighting it. 

Going to bed at 4 am, waking my friend at 6.30 and then sleeping on and off until 12... That's my mornings.

Off to school and suffer through lessons being among the only 2-3 students that seems to actually care about the lesson. Trying to actually talk and answer the questions but getting overrun by chinese people who answer my questions instead of me. And they use the same sentences as in the book to answer when you're supposed to make your own answers.

Going through conversations with arabs who don't even know what we're supposed to talk about even though it clearly says what in the textbook. That's my afternoons.

The evenings? That's my only time where I feel like I live, mostly. I eat with my friends, tries to study or gets stuck on youtube/tumblr. I talk with my boyfriend and my friends and it actually feels good to live...

Until it's time to sleep, then my thoughts come rushing out. My "I'm fat, ugly, unsociable, unwanted"-thoughts... They kill me a little bit every night and I can't stop them.  They swirl around in my head until I pass out from exhaustion. I wish I could talk to someone, but I'm too scared...