kiyara !

Life on the run has proved to be as unglamorous as Starlight warned them it would be pretty damn quickly. So far, their work in the so-called resistance consisted of sitting on their asses all day and waiting for further instructions, while moving from one dingy motel to another all the fucking time. And Cate has never felt this dazed before.

Prior to becoming a wanted individual, she has spent only a brief period of time in a physically uncomfortable environment, that being while trapped in Elmira. Though, due to the guilt and later, adrenaline, that kept her up, the reality of the situation and the discomfort had yet to set in at that point. But, oh boy, has she had enough time now.

All of the shitty motels they've been staying in reeked of puke. The uncomfortable beds took a considerable toll on her back and the food fucking sucked. But regardless of how disgusting her surroundings were, the emotional torture she's been enduring has proved to be far worse and more debilitating.

From at least the moment Cate has found out who's idea it was to rescue her from Elmira or for the entirety of them knowing each other, she's been experiencing some very strange feelings towards Marie. And it's not even that Cate was a stranger to having romantic inclinations towards people. This time was just so jarringly different, so all-consuming. If being around Marie felt like a breath of fresh air, then the thought of losing her was akin to being deprived of oxygen. Terrified wouldn't even begin to describe Cate's state, as she processed these feelings. Everything she thought she knew was getting challenged. She had even taken to blocking herself from reading Marie's mind, as it had become too much of a temptation for her. Not knowing made her feel human and like a person who could actually deserve reciprocation. This was the most alive Cate has ever felt, yet just as vulnerable.

Her and Marie have gotten especially close, ever since joining the resistance. They shared a room and talked for hours on end, bonded over random things, like Cate telling Marie all of the deep internet lore, from the time when it was her only window into the outside world and playing cards until the sun came up. With more and more time passing, Cate has been feeling increasingly disingenuous, not acknowledging the elephant in the room. It felt unfair towards Marie to continue at this pace, she desperately didn't want her to feel deceived but the intent of being honest has so far been greatly outweighed by Cate's fear of losing their friendship.

This was wrong. So incredibly wrong. For all she knew, Marie and Jordan both still loved each other. She was sure they'd get back together as soon as this bullshit came to an end, if there even was an end in sight. But nothing could've stopped Cate from feeling the way she did, from wanting this more than she has ever wanted anything in her life. At this point, the fantasy of being Marie's rebound, if only temporary, seemed like a dream come true, though it would never be enough.

Pathetic pathetic pathetic… desperate

These shameful thoughts made Cate want to collapse into herself and die. She hated not having control over herself, like a puppet to her own feelings. This wasn't sustainable.

A reckless part of her thought it would be a good idea to pick someone up from a local bar to move on, but Rational Cate™ was in the driver's seat and she knew it was far too risky to even try. Cause what if someone recognized her? Those annoying pieces of shit hometeamers definitely seemed like the types to hang out in small town bars and to know what Cate looked like from all the Truthbomb clips floating around. In addition, she doubted that they'd form a nice little line to get pushed to forget it all when it inevitably would've gone to shit.

And besides, she could easily read Marie's mind and see her lack of interest. It would take no effort to move on then.

Right?

But Cate couldn't bring herself to do it. The steady rotation of excuses in her head was working so well.

This is fucked

Nothing made sense. Nothing would work. And nothing could stop the eventual crescendo of it all from happening.

“Helloooo, Earth to Cate, are you even listening?” Emma waived her hand right in front of Cate's face.

In truth, she wasn't listening. She's gotten too buzzed to retain awareness at this point, but not enough to forget her turmoil. Which is precisely why she kept going.

Her and Emma both had their reasons to get shit faced. But at least it was somewhat fun to do together, instead of wallowing in sadness by themselves.

“Huh?” Cate turned to face Emma. “Sorry, I zoned out.”

“Ahhhh, whatever…,” she sighed in annoyance and paused the TV, “What are you zoning out about then? You know my shit and this thing we have going on seems a little unequal right now.”

She did indeed know Emma's shit, not that it wasn't obvious though. She still had feelings for Sam, shocker.

“God, no.” Cate said, taking another sip from their shared bottle, “That's exactly what I didn't call you here for, besides, you know my life is fucked. What's it matter why I'm drinking? Could be because of my parents, my brother, Shetty, Luke, Andr…” Emma stopped her before she could continue.

“Okay, okay, geez, point taken. You're sad and pathetic and it's none of my business” she said, taking the bottle from Cate's hands.

“Yep”

“Well, figure me this then, why isn't Marie here? She must be plenty sad for our little pity party.”

There it was, goddammit.

Cate scrambled to think of an excuse but being caught off guard was already written all over her face which Emma saw. In truth Marie was off, getting some alone time from them all or so she said. She was supposed to return a bit later. And the telepath had strategically chosen this time to get wasted, so that Marie wouldn't have to be involved.

“Is it about her then? Did you guys fight or something, cause she hasn't told me anything.” Cate really wanted to push her way out of this problem just now, but she was better than that.

“No, we didn't fight. This isn't about Marie, I don't know where you would've gotten that idea. She just wanted to spend some time with Annabeth is all.” Cate tried her best to seem convincing.

“Oh my fucking God,” Emma put the bottle down and threw her hands into the air, “You are so secretive even when drunk. I just thought to give you a chance to be honest for once but you fucked it. I know everything about Marie and her whereabouts. She is my best friend and the only reason we don't room together is cause Annabeth feels safer with someone, who didn't mind-fuck us for months!” There was a brief moment of silence before Cate responded. Emma had arguably gone a step too far. This was supposed to make them forget about shit, not have to be reminded of it again. For a millionth time. As if it didn't haunt Cate enough already.

“Jesus Christ, Emma! No one forced you to hang out with me!” Cate's last nerves might have snapped right then. “How many fucking times do I have to prove myself for you to see me as human? Get the fuck out!” She swiftly stood up from the bed and pointed to the exit.

“I fucking will then!” The girl shot up to the door, with their bottle in hand. “And I'm taking this!”

“Go right ahead!” Emma shut the door as loud as she could, making sure Cate would feel it in her chest.

Ughhh

There went another person she could talk to.

Even drunk, Emma was right about Annabeth not feeling safe around her but that was only a small (and arguably least important) part of a larger problem.

Despite assisting with Cate's rescue from Elmira, Jordan didn't have it in them to be friends again. Hell, they would have left her there, if not for Marie.

Emma was still hesitant about letting Cate too close, but it seemed like they were on the right track. Until now.

Sigh

That left Cate with only Sam and Marie, not just tolerating her existence in this group. And even then, Sam's relationship with her was mostly transactional, as Cate helped him with symptoms, and he didn't hate her in return.

And now she was inevitably going to ruin her relationship with Marie. Falling for her seemed like a cruel joke on God's part if there even was one.

She deserved it. She was a monster, a psycho, a tool. And monsters weren't worthy of sympathy or friends or love. The only thing Cate was deserving of was a hole she dug for herself, where she could be left to rot, until somebody found a use for her. Maybe her parents had the right idea after all…

Cate flopped back down on her bed, softly sobbing into her hands. Alcohol seemed to only intensify her emotions, as opposed to numbing them. It felt like a bubble had finally burst open, and the image of composure Cate had tried to keep up was torn to shreds.

The thought of keeping track of the time soon became so distant that she didn't even notice as the time for Marie to come back had rolled around. She came in precisely on time, wearing a torn old zip-up, confused from the way she found Cate.

“Hey, are you okay? What happened?” Marie asked, sounding worried.

Cate was a pitiful mess to look at: eyes red from crying, mascara smudged, hair all over the place. She tried her best to get her shit together quickly and failed at it miserably.

“Hey, yeah, I-I am okay. J-J-Just had a fight with Emma. It's not that serious, bullshit really-,” Cate stuttered and quickly got cut off as Marie pulled her into a tight hug.

“You're okay. You don't have to tell me.” Marie said, softly caressing Cate's head.

They sat like this for a couple of minutes, though it seemed like forever had passed in the meantime.

“I need to tell you something. Thank you for forgiving me, truly. None of the others have. None of them trust me. I'm just so tired…” Cate said, rising to meet Marie's gaze, her voice still shaking. “Thank you for being here for me. This means more to me than you'll ever know.”

“It wasn't difficult to forgive you, once I realized how hypocritical I was: leaving you for dead, using my powers against friends…, “ Marie took Cate's gloved hands into hers, staring at them while she talked, "it just didn't seem right to be angry with you anymore…”

“But you're not like me, “Cate shook her head, “Innocent people died because of me, I did Homelander's bidding. You're good, you're the best person I know, you'r-,” Cate didn't get a chance to finish talking, as Marie had suddenly pulled her into a kiss. Months of frustration were packed down into it. Feelings all over the place, fireworks were going off in Cate's head. The sheer desperation with which she clung to Marie's lips was ridiculous. Diabolical even. Rapidly losing oxygen, she couldn't care about anything but the two of them at this moment…

“Cate, I…” Marie tried to say something as they had finally pulled away from each other.

“Shhh, enough talking for today,” Cate said, putting her finger to Marie's mouth. Though putting on a confident tone didn't make the telepath any less of a wreck on the inside. Fearing that Marie might say, the kiss they shared was a mistake. Avoiding talking all together seemed like a reasonable solution.

A coward's way out.

Marie didn't fight Cate on the issue, even letting out a slight sigh of relief at the suggestion.

They were making out for what felt like hours. Pulling each other in deeper and deeper with every kiss, like the world was going to end tomorrow, and this was their last chance to feel something, to be happy. Caught up in her feelings, Cate finally let herself have a peek into Marie's mind and quickly sought to tighten the grip she had on the back of Marie's neck, letting out a subtle moan as all she heard was:

“Cate Cate Cate…”