Kiikii

For the longest time i really have wondered what my problem is

i’m mentally ill, i know that much. I’m barely clean from using, i havent gone more than two days without doing any type of substance, but im getting there. I’ve spent time in psych wards, hospital settings, with health workers etc. all because of my own doing. Or atleast thats how i feel. I mean, i hurt myself on purpose, hurt people around me. But its not like i mean it

I’ll put myself in risky, embarrassing, or dangerous situations just because it feels like i dont know what else im meant to do!! I feel like doing it? I do it. Im a very impulsive person, and that often makes people not want to be around me, even my friends. They think im too much. Or im a liability at times

i think i just need to be understood sometimes. But i understand why that would be hard, i cant even understand myself half the time. Especially when it comes to what i want. I mean, i know what i want half the time, and i go out of my way to get it. Even if it means hurting people i love. In turn? That makes me feel way more shitty.

and especially when it comes to partners and whatnot, thats the worst. I can barely stay with someone for more than a few weeks or a month. They end up leaving me, or i ruin things for myself and isolate from them. Maybe im just not fit for being loved in that way? As far as i remember, most of my relationships, if you can even call them that, are sexual. Most of which are with my friends. Which seems odd for a girl like me, sure. But its just easy for me. i mean, yeah, im capable of loving someone, its just everytime i do, i love them too much. To the point its overbearing. I cant tell what i want from them. Is it validation? Sex? The feeling of being loved? The fear of being alone?? Im a mess!! I think it’d just easier if everyone was like me. Maybe then id fit in and feel normal.

I think when i finally get the freedom i deserve i’ll feel a permanent sense of euphoria, instead of these awful switches between intense highs and lows. Even my psychologist said this is definitely something deeper, and it isn’t normal. I feel even the slightest bit sad or whatever, i spiral. I do awful things, to myself and to people around me. Im violent, im upset, i isolate myself, i relapse, i think nothing’s worth it and im never getting better. But with those highs? It feels like im on top of the world and nobody can stop me, im great and better than everyone else. I just want that high to last

doesnt even have to be my lover, just someone to spend time with and to hold me and tell me im pretty and things will be okay