my baby is gone

my heart is broken

if only loving you was enough

Aiko

i dont know if its seasonal depression or if my life just kinda sucks ass rn

i feel like i cant talk to no one about this stuff except my boyfriend cause he has to live through this with me. And maybe i just find it more comforting to type this out where no one can really be concerned or judge me too much in a way I would know. Who knows??

anyway. thanksgiving is coming up. its my favorite holiday because I get to feed my little angel girl, Aiko turkey and she would be sooooo happy. But shes dead now and its gonna suck ass.

and I knew it was gonna suck ass. So i already planned for this because I was gonna make all her favorites and cry as I did. I asked my parents weeks ago if itll be okay if we dont invite my aunts or uncles and they said it was alright.

come this week, my mother decides that we have to invite the aunt that my father hates and no one likes because her own kids dont like her so much that they would rather go to Korea than spend Thanksgiving with her. And I tell her not to do that and my mother tell me “ Who am I to decide who gets to come to Thanksgiving?? Not everything is about your dead cat”

And I cant. I dont know why but that just broke me. My mother will never choose us her kids, her family that she made herself over my extended family. There is no point in trying to have her choose us. Shell never change her mind on anything. She voted for Trump despite all the bad things we told her he said he would do. And not for even lack of believing us!! It was just because she had to have her own thoughts and conclusions that she had to come to by herself. No one can ever sway her.

Side story that still sticks with me and still hurts me: once when I was real little, I pleaded with my mother to stop smoking and that I didnt want her to die. And she told me point blank if I wanna die Ill die.

Anyway I had to go. So I went and I feel bad for my dad. He didnt want any of this. Now he has to spend Thanksgiving alone with my mother and my shitty aunt.

And to add insult to injury, my boyfriends car broke. So now we have to struggle to get the groceries to make the Thanksgiving meal. And im sick.

And it finally got cold and rainy.

I know I still come from a point of privilege but I really dont want to exist right now.

I just want to be with my cat but I cant.

Aiko keeps vomiting up her food

I accepted yesterday night I am most likely going to have to put her down

Aiko has stage 3 kidney disease which is not a death sentence

But she also has a blocked bile duct and according to one vet it looks cancerous

I can barely afford the surgery to unblock the duct but I dont think I can afford that and cancer treatment and then daily kidney disease stuff

And to be frank her quality of life would just be in the pits

having stage 3 kidney disease which would mean shell have to eat food she would hate and have to be administered IV fluids often

Shell just keep gettinf weaker and frailer and it would hurt

Shes already gotten so much weaker

She still got a fight in her tho

Shes still eating and loving and beautiful

Im so scared to put her down

I feel like she still has so much life in her but I know she is suffering

She keeps vomiting after eating

She sleeps extra lightly because I know shes nauseous after eating

Shes drinking so much water

Shes been having diarrhea

But she still has so much life in her