Honest Lies

As I start a new year, I thought I’d do a reflection on the past year. The good, the bad, and the somewhere in between.

I don’t know how to divide my reflection, but since Kevin seemed to be such a big part of it, I guess I’ll start with him.

I started the year with a boyfriend. A boyfriend that surprisingly to this day, I don’t regret having despite his lies the last half of our relationship.

I cried. I cried almost every day second semester, but I was so blind to my own pain. I thought it was worth it since he loved me. However, I knew deep down he didn’t, but I never wanted to come to terms with it because I feared it meant I couldn’t be loved. The day finally came when we broke up. It’s silly to think how much I wanted to hold on when everyone could see how toxic he was to me. I fell to pieces, and I felt like every fiber of my being was stripped to the point where I was nothing. I didn’t remember anything for a while except pain. Excruciating pain that ripped through my chest causing me to heave in the bathroom for signs of anything left inside of me.

But that’s over now.

I learned a lot from being with Kevin and after we broke up. I realized I needed to be ripped apart because that was how I could improve. I threw away parts of myself I didn’t like, and embraced the parts I did. I learned that there were parts of me I didn’t particularly enjoy but had to learn to keep because without them, I wouldn’t be me. I learned who my friends really were and who I could rely on if this ever happened again. I owe them a lot and I really don’t know where I would be without them. I learned that unconditional love exists in the world, and it is one of the most painful loves one could ever experience. I learned that loving people is my greatest flaw, but also my greatest strength. I learned, or am still learning how to love myself better. How to not put my self-esteem, worth, and happiness in the hands of another because they’ll drop it. They will even though they swear they won’t.

After Kevin, I closed myself off to people, for fear that disappointment and pain would come, but the thing with trust I realized is that sometimes soft landing is never guaranteed. People were telling me it was my fault of loving him too much, for making myself too vulnerable, for being too attached. Looking back, I don’t think any of it was a bad thing at all. To blame someone for loving someone too much is like scolding a child for playing too much. I believe humans are meant to love. They are meant to feel with every single cell in their body, but so many of us see emotions as a weakness; they suppress it to the point where apathy became the norm which should never be the case. Emotions and feelings are such a beautiful part of the human experience. Anyone that chooses apathy will be robbing their life of so much color.

I read the quote that changed my life. “The world will try to harden you. Don’t let it.”

Then, I joined APO.

APO changed my life and it was a good way to try to live by my newly favorite quote. I opened myself up to people in ways I didn’t think I would and was able to flourish old relationships to the point where there is a bond that I can’t see myself ever breaking with them. I learned that everyone is fighting a battle and you might not see it but you can hear it, quietly, if you really, truly listen, so love. Love and be compassionate to your peers for you never know who truly needs it.

I lost friendships this semester. Friends that I thought would last until the end of college became complete strangers, and at some point, I realized I had to be okay with it. Some people appear in your life for only briefly and instead of grieving your lost connection, you should revel in the memories that did transpire for the other person may not be grieving but they will certainly have those memories. It will always be something shared.

I stressed out a lot less joining APO as well because I realized everything will fall into place as long as you have good thoughts. Good things will come and even if not, have good thoughts anyways since it will shine out of your face.

Fear.

I’m scared. I’m scared that I’ll ruin things with Perry because I’m terrified to get myself involved romantically again only to broken into a million pieces. I’m scared I’m not making the right choice regarding my major. I’m scared I’m going to lose those I deem close to me. I’m scared. And I’m trying to come to terms with the fact that it’s okay to feel this way. But it’s hard. But I’m trying.

What I’m still trying to do now is learning how to love myself. It’s a difficult process since there are some things I’m trying to accept and some things I can’t accept as strengths yet because they seem so much like flaws. But I’m getting there. Hopefully, there will be more progress this coming year.

I can’t wait to see what this year has in store for me. It’s exiting but also a bit terrifying. Here’s to the tears, laughter, pain, and smiles that have been left in 2014. And here’s to the tears, laughter, pain, and smiles that will happen in 2015.